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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to have a little self control?

23 replies

featherbag · 06/03/2012 23:16

Background: I joined WW a week last Friday - I was overweight before becoming pregnant, and DS is now 5 months old and I have 5st 5lbs to lose to get to a weight where I'd be happy to TTC again (which I would like to do next year). Due to struggling somewhat with PND and using food as a crutch, I actually weighed more when I joined WW than I did the day I gave birth.

DH is also the heaviest he's ever been, and is suffering with some pre-existing health problems solely because of this. Although he won't attend meetings, we agreed to diet together, to plan and prepare all meals in advance and eat more or less the same.

In week one, I lost 7lbs (and another 5 this week so far!). DH lost 1lb. He's now in a strop and declaring the diet doesn't work and there's no point. I've been watching what he's eaten since our weigh day and have made the following observations - if you eat the chicken skin insted of removing it, you're increasing the fat content of your meal and it's no longer the stated 'points' value. If you make a WW recipe low fat pasta dish, and then cover it in grated cheese, it is no longer the stated 'points' value. If you shove a huge knob of butter into your jacket spud... blah blah, you get the idea! I've (nicely!) explained all of this to DH, but he just witters on about enjoying food, not depriving himself, etc. AIBU to tot up all the extra 'points' I see him adding to his meals (so only one meal a day) and tell him the total on Friday, when he has another rant about diets not working?!

OP posts:

ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/03/2012 23:20

You did say he's your husband not your child?

ComposHat · 06/03/2012 23:29

If you want to lose weight - brilliant, if he can't be arsed, his body, his choice. He can do without your pious carping.

Imagine - and I know this is in no way original - if we reversed the gender.

'my husband is on a health kick and insists I do the same. He moans on that I haven't lost enough weight and I need to lose it faster He had a go at me today for putting butter on my potatoes ffs! He is now calculating all the calories he feels I don't need and is presenting them to me on a weekly basis.

The criy of. 'he is controlling you' 'he is a bully' 'this is why women get anorexia' would be deafening.

alarkaspree · 06/03/2012 23:31

He's got to come to it on his own really. It sounds as if he's just not as committed to losing weight as you are. Maybe your continued success will inspire him after a while, but I think I'd concentrate on yourself and try not to worry about him.

You are doing brilliantly, well done.

NCforthis · 06/03/2012 23:31

Just shrug and ignore it. If he asks, point out the calorie content/points of 30g cheese, or 1 lump of butter. Then shrug and carry on losing weight.
(7lb though, well done!!)

Original poster

featherbag · 06/03/2012 23:36

There is no pious carping, I promise you! I have never commented on his weight, or changed how I behave towards him because of it, I fancy him just as much as I always have and only care that he is happy, whatever weight he is. I didn't suggest he diet with me, just told him I was going to and why I wasn't happy with my weight. He decided, of entirely his own free will, to join me. I've never 'had a go' at him for what he eats, and tried to help him see his small weight loss in a positive light. If he said to me tomorrow that he's decided he's happy with his weight and won't be dieting any more, I wouldn't say a word, it's entirely his decision and he knows I love him whatever his weight.

What I want to avoid is having to listen to him rant about how the diet doesn't work when he isn't actually following the diet properly! Is that so unreasonable?

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 06/03/2012 23:42

yanbu I can imagine how irritating that can be. But when you come on AIBU you'll get differing opinions. You did ask

Dp often moans about his weight, he is fairly healthy, cycles, gardens, walks etc... but when he gets the munchies! It's like he has pmt?? He's around 2 stone overweight but I doubt he'll ever get to his ideal weight because of his snacking greed. I'm around 2 stone overweight too but if I snacked like he does I'd need a wheelbarrow. He is more active though.

Not sure what you can do tbh? Just rant to us eh?

mojitomania · 06/03/2012 23:45

YANBU. He's just not mentally in the same place as you. Just keep on doing what you're doing and leave him to his own devices. Don't let him stop you.

Not saying this in a mean way but if someone isn't ready then they try to poo poo the other.

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 06/03/2012 23:49

If he has a health condition then he owes it to you and your child to take care if himself. YANBU.

Original poster

featherbag · 07/03/2012 00:00

Different opinions welcomed, just wanted to make it known I am not a nagging harridan! The original post was more than a little tongue in cheek, I'm more exasperated than frustrated with him if that makes sense? I've always been one for doing something properly or not at all, and also for not complaining about something unless you've had a bloody good go at changing it!

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/03/2012 00:06

I would be annoyed, but he needs to find his own motivation and method.

Don't let him hold you back though, perhaps when he sees you slimmer and healthier he will change his habits.

weevilswobble · 07/03/2012 00:10

Could you work out how much cycling or walking he needs to do in a week to use up those calories? I'm on his side when it comes to a knob of butter! But if i knew 20 mins cycling would buy me that knob of butter i would do it!

weevilswobble · 07/03/2012 00:12

.....or..... I've heard a passionate shag uses up calories!!

Bogeyface · 07/03/2012 00:15

I would be the same as you OP.

Be big, be slim, diet, dont diet, whatever, I dont care! But dont say you're going to do something, then not follow through and blame the "something" for being crap instead of admitting you didnt actually bother trying!

I wouldnt bother totting up his points though as that could come across as pious and would piss me off if you did that to me. Just say, repeating when necessary, "If you arent going to follow the diet, thats fine, but can you stop going on about it please."

Bogeyface · 07/03/2012 00:18

however......

you're title suggests that you pissed off with him for not following the diet, so does it annoy you just a little bit?

Original poster

featherbag · 07/03/2012 00:24

I had trouble coming up with an AIBU question for the title Bogey so it probably is poorly worded - nope, I honestly don't care if he follows the diet or not (figure if he's not ready to lose weight he'll do it when he is), but if he's going to do it I want him to do it properly and not be all surprised when he doesn't lose 6 stone in a week because he's been 'depriving' himself!

OP posts:

Original poster

featherbag · 07/03/2012 00:29

Oh, and agree with not totting up, don't think I would've actually gone through with doing that without realising I was being a tit after a day or 2

OP posts:

zipzap · 07/03/2012 00:30

Whenever he moans about the diet not working just simply say 'but you're NOT doing the diet, are you?!?' and see what he says.

zipzap · 07/03/2012 00:32

Doh posted too soon.

Just wanted to say well done though to you- you're doing really well (wish I could manage that!) and keep it up!

Original poster

featherbag · 07/03/2012 00:33

Thank you!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/03/2012 01:09

A good point about diets is that many people feel deprived if they are told that they are going without even if they arent. Just googled and I cant find it, but there was a really interesting article in (I think) The Guardian last year about a study where people were told that they would be fed a "diet" diet in order to lose weight. They were actually fed the same amount of calories, the same types of food, in the same amounts but almost all of them said that they felt hungry or craved treats etc. It was all purely psychological.

He is not on a diet but because he thinks he is, he feels deprived and also disappointed!

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2012 01:32

It doesn't sound as though he's properly on board with this diet

Are you sure he's not just 'going along with it' because you are dieting OP?

Obviously losing weight is of paramount importance to you if you want to TTC next year, but it doesn't sound as though it's as important to him if he loses anything.

Ruudiluca · 07/03/2012 02:18

A person will only lose weight if THEY want to.

Original poster

featherbag · 07/03/2012 04:30

I don't think so worra, he was very enthusiastic initially about us both losing weight together, and I honestly haven't put any pressure on him in any way, shape or form! I suppose my motivation is more immediate - in the next 12 months I would like to TTC knowing I've done all I can to prevent the problems I had in my last pregnancy. His motivation is that he knows he could end up needing a wheelchair, but that's 20+ years away.

Ah well, I guess I will just keep on with my own weight loss and let him make his own choices - if he complains that WW is crap again though I will just tell him it's very effective if done properly!

OP posts:

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