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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dp to go for dinner with friends of mine.

29 replies

mrudagawa · 06/03/2012 20:21

Dp and I have been invited for dinner at parents of dd's friend. I would love to go as I rarely get to do anything sociable in the evenings. I don't know a lot of people locally and family elsewhere. DP has no desire whatsoever to socialise. We have lived here for 10 years and not once in that time has he had a friend over or gone out with a friend. He is really balking at the idea and has said no. Whilst I understand that this is not his thing I don't think in the circumstances it will hurt him and it would make me happy. He is very charming and pleasant once he's been put in these situations. What do you think?

OP posts:
Eglu · 06/03/2012 20:24

I think it wouldn't kill him to make an effort for you since you really want to go.

DoMeDon · 06/03/2012 20:25

It's not a big ask. I would want my DH to support me in making friends and occassionally put himself out for me. Ultimatley it's his choice and if he says no (which I do think is selfish) can you arrange something on your own?

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 20:33

I am a bit antisocial myself - don't fancy things etc etc, but he needs to make an effort for your sake and his

LindyHemming · 06/03/2012 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

faeriemoo · 06/03/2012 20:35

I think as your partner, and your child's father, he has a responsibility to socialise on at least a minimal level. It wouldn't hurt him to do something to make you happy, and it sounds like this is something you need to do, for you.
If he really doesn't want to go, would you go alone? Maybe just meeting for casual coffee would be an alternative?

Original poster
mrudagawa · 06/03/2012 20:37

Thanks for your replies. Yes- I am happy to meet friends/parents of dd's friends alone and I woulf go alone for dinner. it would just feel a bit odd with DP having been invited.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 06/03/2012 20:42

Tell him that you will explain his absence exactly as it is. He may give in at risk of looking odd! Grin

LindyHemming · 06/03/2012 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 06/03/2012 20:59

If he refuses to go, go without him. If you don't you'll end up resenting that he stopped you from going and it will fester or it would with me Confused I don't think you should "make" him go, even if you could, but don't let his reluctance stop you going. He can be the babysitter and save you having to find one - book a taxi to take you there and back and you can even have a nice glass or three of wine with dinner Grin

ToxicToria · 06/03/2012 21:08

Do you think he would enjoy it if he was to go? Is it just that he's shy around new people?

desperatenotstupid · 06/03/2012 21:17

Go on your own - you'll have more fun. I could have written your OP, word for word. It takes my DP AGES to feel comfortable socially with people. He really struggles, he is perfectly nice, people think he is great, but i can see him almost dying inside, he would honestly rather poke a fork in his eye. I used to insist he came along out with my UNI mates and to be fair, after a while he did actually enjoy our drunken nights out, but a dinner party? He would rather have flu - he does come on occasion but i actually prefer him to stay home, i can relax and no worry about him feeling uncomfortable.

Just say that he is babysitting, give him time to feel more comfy with your new social group and he'll come round. If not, then wahhhoo, enjoy the freedom while he babysits

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 06/03/2012 21:25

I go to loads of stuff on my own, think this may be your best option here.

nothingoldcanstay · 06/03/2012 21:38

Agree with PomBear, go without. My Dad never does restaurants but although all the people invited to whatever event it is start saying "how rude" by the end they agree that they had a lovely time and that he is still a good father/husband/friend and that he is what he is.
I go without my other half. You are you ...you are you surely, not defined by marriage. Just say your other half is swamped at work and have a good time.

Only caveat - is DP actually the reason you are invited? If he has a stellar job or is famous or something then ,no, don't go on your own...

DoMeDon · 06/03/2012 21:43

I am happy to go to things alone and relish that opportunity but I also like to do things in a social setting with my DH - I am surprised that so many people's partners won't go out.

Threeprinces · 07/03/2012 07:52

I'm surprised people are suggesting going on your own, I'd assumed it was just you two who had been invited for dinner in which case a cosy dinner for 3 wouldn't be so great.

If however it's a bigger event then yes go on your own. Otherwise tell him to make a bloody effort for once and do it for you.

Callisto · 07/03/2012 08:03

If I invited a couple to dinner and only one of them turned up because the other 'was not a social person' I would take it that the other person was rude and had a better offer or there were marraige problems. And by the same token, I couldn't be with someone that never socialised.

OP I think your husband is being really selfish.

notyummy · 07/03/2012 08:14

I have to admit I agree with Callisto. I would assume the person was rude or the relationship was very 'tense' and they weren't really together. And before everyone jumps in saying 'people don't need to live in each others pockets', I quite agree that people should go out without their partners and they don't need to be joined at the hip....but to never socialise just seems rather isolating and lonely. But I assuming you knew that when you got together? There is no way I would have last more than a few months with someone who wasn't relatively comfortable socially. We don't have a riotous social life these days but both DH and I do enjoy going out and on occasion making the effort to meet new people

Shutupanddrive · 07/03/2012 08:16

I think he should make the effort and go, he might even enjoy himself when he gets there!

Amaretti · 07/03/2012 08:19

People feel uncomfortable with odd numbers at dinner though. I think if you go on your own, you wont be invited back.

mrspepperpotty · 07/03/2012 08:28

What about when it comes to returning the invitation, will your DP be uncomfortable inviting them to dinner? I'm not saying it always has to be a rigid 'taking turns' arrangement, but personally I would find it awkward to accept an invitation that I had no intention of reciprocating (and would be hurt if I invited friends to dinner and they never invited us back).

holyShmoley · 07/03/2012 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

desperatenotstupid · 07/03/2012 10:34

People feel uncomfortable with odd numbers at dinner? Really? So single people wont ever get invited to dinner parties then? Hmm

WHY would you ask your partner to do something that makes him uncomfortable? I can't be doing with all this dinner party shite anyway, go out and get a pizza, have a few beers, why have people around your house and end up havin to skivvy in the kitchen while people drink your wine cellar dry - no ta xx

Squirrelz · 07/03/2012 11:00

Tell him they'll invite some hot single guy to make up the numbers if he doesn't drag his selfish arse out of the house go

Chocobo · 07/03/2012 11:56

YANBU and I also agree with Callisto.

Surely in a relationship you sometimes do things you don't really want to do to make your partner happy. It is not such a huge ask to go for dinner is it? It is not like you are asking your DP to go to an orgy or something!

Cherriesarelovely · 07/03/2012 12:22

YANBU OP. I know exactly how you feel. My ex P used to be like this. Saying "no that is YOUR thing, I'm busy/not interested/ can't be bothered" and it was really annoying and I mean this was all the time. People got used to the fact that she wouldn't come to anything with me and I got hardened to it but hated it and got sick of making excuses for her.

You don't have to be joined at the hip and do everything together but if you are both invited it is lazy and inconsiderate of him to refuse....IMHO anyway!

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