To have one rule for one DS, one for the other DC's.

[Voidka]

After yet another dinner time of screaming and whiningfrom DS1 I need to ask. I dont think IABU, but DS1 and DH do.

In our house we have dinner at 5pm. I cook one meal for me, DH, DS1 and DD. If you dont like it (within reason) and you dont eat it you dont get anything else.

However DS2 has a different dinner. He has SN and has a very limited diet, so I make him what I know he would eat.

Now I have offered DS1 the alternative - he can eat exactly what DS2 eats but he doesnt want that.

AIBU?

Just wanted to add that its never an issue when DS1 gets something he would like for dinner, only when he gets something he doesnt 'want'.

I suppose it depends whether you really think the problem is about food, or jealousy, sibling rivalry, perceptions of unfairness and attention seeking.

What are his special needs and is the diet medical or choice?

what ages are you talkig about?

I am quite lucky, in that while dd1's diet is limited by her autism (both due to dietary needs/intolerances and by ASD restrictions) it remains reasonably good.

BUT

there are times she cannot eat what the rest of us are eating, and there are times when she does not have to fit into the same rules as dd2 wrt eating vegetables (or whatever)

dd2 knows that dd1 has extra needs. she also knows that there are different rules for both of them (dd1 knows this too).

it does cause issues at times, but I stick to the 'well, dd1 is needs help with X, you need help with Y' kind of statements, and muddle through as best I can.

He has ASD and LD. Its choice basically in that I cannot physically get him to eat anything else, plus he wont be fed and cannot feed himself so his diet is limited by that.

I honestly think its about food for DS1. Yesterday I made meat pie, one of his favourites and there was not a peep. Today I made sausages and mash with carrots and green beans (DD's favourite, but something DS says he hates because the sausages are difficult to chew ) and we have had crying and being spiteful.

YANBU I have this, ds3 is just like your ds2 such a limited diet it beggers belief. DS2 has been through the same phase, to be honest at first I thought it was about food but it was more jealousy that he had to eat what he was given and ds3 didn't. He got used to the idea in the end.

I would simply say, in this house you can choose dish a or dish b. Offer all the children the choice every single time.

Every time DS1 moans, just say you have a choice of dish a or dish b or nothing.

Otherwise you face cooking 3 a la carte meals every day which is really not fair on you!

When DS1 (8) moans about not getting all the same 'treatment' as DS2 (2) I give DS1 the choice to be treated like a 2 year old or an 8 year old. Choosing '2yo' would mean he can't go over to the sweet shop, he gives up pocket money, he has to go to bed earlier. He always chooses the 8 year old option!

no yanbu and I think most families go through this even without SN added in, although maybe not for as long

example: if my lot don't eat their dinner that's that. they don't get anything else.
however, if they are under about 2-2.5 the rule doesn't apply because they just don't "get" that they will have nothing else if they don't have their dinner.

so we do, and should, automatically have different "rules" for different people in our families when it comes to certain things.
it's normal and appropriate to treat people differently IMO

My DH's comment whenever anyone raised the possibility of not being happy with the presented meal was that at boarding school you eat what you are given or starve.

Obviously DC with SN are an exception to this, but DH was in boarding school from the age of 7, and he will eat ANYTHING. Our DC will also eat absolutely anything.

If any of mine behaved badly at the table they were asked to retire to their room immediately.

op - I understand about your DS2 (I have one the same!) but, as I was always brought up with you get what you are given I have worked this myself.

If the rest of us are having something that DS2 really will not eat then I will substitute (for example, if we are having gammon, then I will do him chicken nuggets) but he has the same side dishes. Other times, I have not substituted and whilst the first few times I have had to bear the brunt of the temper, guilt of him not eating properly etc after some time it does work - he knows that despite what he does, everyone is given what I have cooked and if you don't eat it - tough!

It does take a strong resolution (especially because of the SN) and it takes time, but after 12 long, long years, he has learnt that he doesn't always get his own way no matter what (which I believe is a lesson in life for him).

He also gets the same 'treatment' as his older brother in terms of jobs in the house (although they are 'easier') for example, he has to lay the table mats whilst his db has to clear away. We did this to ensure that both of them were treated the same despite the differing needs of them both. In fact, I asked for extra homework for him in order to help with the 'you are both the same' in order to help my SN ds to understand that he will be treated this way as an adult and not to rely on special privileges