to use a childminder on a trip?

[brdgrl]

AIBU to consider leaving my precious bumpkins with a total stranger in a far away city?

I have an opportunity to present at a conference later this year. It is a major event in my field; as well as being a big (needed) ego boost and a good networking opportunity, it would be a good thing to put on my CV (although it would be completely over-stating things to say it is a career necessity!). I've been hoping for this chance for several years.

The problem is that my DH has been asked to participate in an event; it was tentatively scheduled for one date, and then was moved; now there is a conflict. It is not a work event, but a personal/family event which he absolutely cannot and should not miss. I totally understand this, and yet feel sad for myself. It does not help that DH's event is something that I would not feel particularly welcome or comfortable attending myself.

The factors: It would require air travel. The conference itself is three days and obviously the ideal would be to attend for the full time; it might be possible, though, to attend only on the day I am presenting, but even so it would mean one overnight because of the travel. I have a 20-month DD. I could not leave her with DH, as he will be tied up with the event. I have never left her overnight, anyway, and she still nurses at bedtime. I don't have family here with whom I could leave her, either.

Before the date change, the plan was that DH would go with me, and would look after DD while I was attending the conference. Now it appears that the plan is for me not to go. Like I said, I am sad. And I am doing my best not to feel any resentment about the situation. I have been trying to think of ways to manage to go anyway...this is the best I can come up with. I go with DD, and I find a childminder (ahead of time, of course - not talking about turning up with nothing arranged!) to look after her in the city where the conference is. I go to only the highlights, and only stay over one night, and obviously I skip the dinner/drinks/socialising portion of things.

So - would it BU? Do people do this all the time and I am just worrying pointlessly? I mean, part of me thinks 'what's the difference between doing it here and doing it somewhere else?'

Is the conference in the UK or abroad? Does DD attend nursery or childcare at the moment or is she used to being with you all the time at the moment?

No I don't think that it would necessarily be a bad thing to do but would need quite a bit of planning. Do you have any family or friends who could go with you?

Do you have a relative that could come with you to look after her? Pay for flights for your mum or someone?

Yes, could you afford to the flights and hotel room for DD and a family member/friend come with you? Or a nanny/CM at the destination?

If you don't have friends or family you could use, why don't you organise a childminder/babysitter in your current area, use them a couple of times before the conference, and bring them with you.
You will then have confidence that your DC will be happy with them, and have a reliable babysitter for other occasions at home.
Your career boost will eventually benefit your family so good luck!

The conference is in the UK but requires air travel (ie, can't reach by train or car).
My family all live abroad. I only have one friend who would be able to do it, reasonably, and she is away that weekend herself, by coincidence. Anyone else we might ask will be tied up with the competing event.

DD is used to being with me or DH all the time. She has only stayed with a childminder a few times, and was fine with it, but most of the time she is with me.

Is it not possible for your husband to take DD with him if it is closer to home, and for him to put her in childcare while he attends his family event that you are not welcome at?

I do think you should definitely go to your conference by the way, even if that does mean the option of taking your child and using childcare locally. It's a shame you are so unsupported that you have to though!

what bored said. If it's a family event then it should be easier for him to find babysitters.
If this is not possible then sure go and find a babysitter. If you are staying in a decent hotel, they can usually help to find someone locally.

Your husband should sort out the childcare and take your child with him.

YABU to think that you have to do it all.

Work trumps family stuff in our house OP, so in your shoes my DH would be taking the LO with him - especially as his is a one day event and yours is not.

Yes to DH taking her. At least if his is a family event, there must be other trusted relatives there who could hold her for a bit while he does his thing, whatever that is. Or do you not trust the inlaws, especially as there is a suggestion of them being unwelcoming?

I'd say DH taking DD is the answer. If it were the other way round, a man on a work trip while wife is doing family stuff, no one would suggest the man should be responsible for taking a child on a business trip.

I'd say work has to take priority. What will your employer think if you don't go to the conference?

OP has said dc still nurses at bed time, so maybe thats why she feels she has to bring her.
YANBU to consider using a child minder, or even in considering weaning before the event so your dh can take your dd.

First, you absolutely should go to your conference.

Second, I agree with everyone saying why is it up to you to sort out the childcare issue. The nursing thing aside, would it be feasible for him to take your dd?

What do you do for childcare at the moment?

Finally, of course you can take someone with you. Speak to a nanny agency, get someone from there, make sure the nanny spend a bit of time with you before you go.

OP has said the event is later in the year. It's quite likely LO won't be nursing at bedtime by then, and if the conference is so important, it's perhaps time to wean LO off so DH can take charge. OP needs to think of solutions not problems if she really wants to go. Would be better to send LO with DH, rather than use a childminder local to the conference. OP would get more out of the conference going without LO.

if you wean your dd in time, agreed your dh should definitely take her with him if at all possible. It sounds like it would be great for you to attend the conference as fully as possible - not just the highlights - and it is always good at conferences to go to the social parts and make connections. Good luck!

I'd have no hesitation in taking someone along with you. Do any friends have a late-teenage daughter (or son!) who might be happy to come along for the ride and do the childcare?

Thanks for all the responses; sorry I was away from the computer for a bit there.

Yes, the secondary reason for taking DD with me is that she still bfs at night (although it is true that my plan is to have her weaned by then, which I wasn't taking into account); I also have always been there to put her to bed and so on - but I know that sooner or later I have to let go and have someone else (DH or a babysitter) doing this once in a while!

The primary reason though is that it is just not feasible to leave her with DH this time. I don't want to drip feed - I was hoping not to get into the specifics of his event (in case of outing myself), but I probably need to explain why DH can't have DD! I should say that my DH is very supportive, actually, and does do a share of the regular childcare (we both have flexible work schedules, so are able normally to arrange it that one of us is home with DD). He wants me to be able to attend the conference, and I think will support whatever solution I come up with.

But - his event is a two-day thing that has been organised (by other people) and is being presented as/dedicated to the memory of his first wife (who is deceased). There will be people (friends and colleagues of his and of his first wife) attending with whom he will want to socialise, and probably at least one guest staying at our house. I want him to be able to focus on the guests and the events, and although under 'normal' circumstances I agree that it would be reasonable for him to have an equal part in arranging childcare, I feel like (right or wrong) his event does sort of require me to take a back seat. I am obviously not thrilled about the timing of it all. I would like to be supportive, but I also don't like that the plans of other people have upset our own arrangements (and my work priorities) this way. Part of my eagerness to find a way to attend anyway stems from not wanting to feel resentful about this later.

I would love to be able to go for the whole conference, and to be able to attend wearing my professional face, not my harried mummy face! But being able to go at all would be better than nothing. If I go for the one day and overnight, the other advantage is that DD and I can be back in time to put in a polite appearance with the guests here, and they can meet DD, which I know my DH would like.

We have a childminder we use locally, but she has a second job and I can't see her being able to go with me. We also have a teenage DSD, but again - that's out, as she will certainly want to be here!

YANBU to find a childminder elsewhere in the UK. I did this for my sister's wedding which was in a different part of the country. I found her on netmums childcare board and she was great. I spoke to her on the phone in advance and checked out her references and CRB and it was absolutely fine. Especially as your DC is already used to a CM I really can't see the prob.

thanks, ghoul - that is reassuring! I'll check out the childcare board. :)

I think I would find someone local to you (through a temp. nanny/childcare agency if needs be) who you can employ to babysit and put your DD to bed a few times beforehand and then take them with you on the trip.

That way your DD knows them a bit and, of course, you know them and will feel happier about it.

If your event is only on weekend days then consider nursery staff as they often do babysitting out of their Mon-Fri work hours. Ask friends who have children at nursery for recommendations.

I used an arranged childminder for a day of an event when DH and I clashed conference & meetings - we were both in London but at completely different places. We stayed in the hotel as a family but arranged for childcare at DH's association (where his conference was) as there was no option at mine (thanks UKTI)
It was absolutely fine, he had a fun day even tho he was happy to see us at the end of the day. DS was about 1 at the time but it's worth noting that he has been at nursery full time since he was 7 mths so is used to being cared for by others.

i used to be a childminder and i had two couples use me for temp childcare while on a climbing holiday, it was all fine and the children had a great time...actually children are generally great on a first day with a childminder, it's often the 2nd or 3rd where they realise mum is going away that there are a few tears.

Hmmm. Sounds like a good idea...If I do that, though, then we're talking about an extra £150 perhaps (flight, hotel, dinner), on top of paying her for the entire time of the conference plus the evening and I guess maybe the overnight as well (assuming we just stayed one day and one night)? Which could run to quite a lot of money.

Whereas if I found someone in the conference city, I'd just be paying them for the 8 or 9 hours I was actually at the conference. Even if I got them for the evening as well, so that I could go network (and have a drink), it would still be so much less than I'd have to pay someone for an entire trip.

Is the advantage of using someone I can meet ahead of time (and DD can meet ahead of time) significant enough to warrant that kind of expense? I don't think we can afford it, honestly - we'll be pushing for me to go at all in the first place. But if the answer is "well, in that case, you shouldn't go at all", I'm prepared to hear it.

sorry - crossposting, that last was a response to croissantneuf.