To not be happy about changing my plans as MIL has asked me to?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

This is not a MIL bashing thread. I am genuinely not sure sure who is BU here and seek the opinions of MN jury...

DH's uncle is 90 on 9th May. His family are trying to organise a birthday do for him which will either be at a location around 1.5 hours away from us at a convenient central point for most people in uncle's immediate and extended family, or if uncle is not up to the journey, in uncle and aunt's home area about 3.5 hours away from us so would require overnight stay.

The problem is, the date being proposed is not one I was expecting (i.e. a weekend either side of the birthday date) and in the meantime I have arranged for my own elderly aunt and uncle (who live 4.5 hours away) to come and visit and have already booked train tickets for them.

MIL got into a terrible flap when she heard we already had plans and we have had various conversations about it. The first weekend (one before the birthday) is out because DH is away on an overseas trip, booked months ago. The second weekend is out because SIL's DP is on an overseas visit to an important family event of his own. The last weekend of May out for various reasons involving uncles own DC/GDC. I did query why SIL's DP had to be there but MIL insists that aunt/uncle want everyone to be there. I also suggested that DH go with our DC for the day if the do is held at the more local location and I stay home with my own aunt/uncle but no "everyone has be there". So then I tentatively suggested that I could see if my aunt/uncle were happy to change their plans and rearrange their train tickets for another weekend.

Plans still unconfirmed so have not spoken to my own aunt and uncle but now I'm feeling awful about having to mess them around. They are lovely people, no DC of their own. This trip to visit us is a very big deal for them and they will be very flustered if they have to change their plans and hurt I think that I haven't put them first and said they are the prior arrangement.

DH doesn't think it is fair to ask me to mess my family around and thinks either SIL's DP should miss event or he should go on own with DC.

So if you have got though all of this who is being BU?

Neither of you BU as genuine good reason on both sides. Could your Aunt and Uncle come to the party with you?

Did she ask SIL's DP to change as well?
I don't think you can ask your elderly relatives to change. You are not UR for that.

And I don't think she was UR to ask - after all, it might have been easy for you to do so. But if you can't make it, you can't, you've offered alternatives.

I think it's a bit rude to cancel a visit you arranged had already arranged so you can attend a party tbh.

I'd be surprised if everyone can make the party anyway. Especially if it's quite a drive for several people invited.

I think your MIL has to chose between you missing it, or SIL's DP missing it.

Of course it would be lovely for no one to miss the party, but is that actually the uncle's wish or just MIL fussing a bit?

Sorry toddler on lap whilst typing! Apologises for repeating myself in the first line!

If it was important that everyone goes then the organiser should have confirmed the date months ago.

I think MiL is not unreasonable to ask if you can change your plans. Whilst I understand how upset your aunt/uncle will be I think they might also be understanding of the reason and try to accomodate you.

but as a falback I think that DH has to go on his own and you stay with your relatives.

I agree with Sparkletastic if it's a central location.

Why isn't the weekend after possible anyway? Is it desperately important that SIL's DP go? Your family might be different, but I don't think my Uncle would be bothered if my DP or my sis's DH didn't go to his party.

Sparkletastic - I don't think my aunt/uncle coming to the party is an option. It would involve lots of extra travelling for them after what will already be a tiring trip. among various other reasons.
Youchange - no question of SIL's DP changing his plans as he is going to his DN's confirmation in Italy and is her godfather and has plane tickets booked. He has already said not to worry about him missing the birthday party if that is the best date for everyone else.
lumpymash - it would be a rearrangement to the weekend before or after not a cancellation for my aunt/uncle but yes I still feel its rude and yes I doubt DH's uncle is bothered about the party details, it is MIL and her sister (uncle's DW) fussing.

Junkcollector - my aunt and uncle would hate having to go to a party with loads of people they mostly don't know when they have come to visit me and my DC, also they haven't been invited.

I agree, it isn't necessary for me to go and certainly not for SIL's DP as they don't have DC so it is easier for SIL to go on her own. I think it is a bit of a pride thing for MIL, having all her "clan" present and correct...

Your plans are as important as your SILs DPs. Your MIL is just going to have to accept that not everyone will be able to make it, and then choose who she would rather have missing. I expect it's her that wants everyone there, not the uncle.

I wouldn't change the plans you already have, it just gets too complicated and your elderly relatives are already set to come that weekend. Stick to your plans.

If I were you I would not change my plans. Really, your MIL seems happy enough to accommodate everyone else's arrangements, why not yours? It would be most logical to have the birthday party on one of the weekends 'next to' the birthday, and whoever has other plans on that date misses the party.

It was OP that offered to change the plans from what I can tell, and now getting cold feet about it.

I would think either your or SIL's DP missing it makes most sense. I tend to have a firm rule of prior committments coming first and MIL shoudl have firmed the date for the party up sooner.

That was meant to say YOU or you SIL's DP missing it.

I wouldn't normally say try to rearrange but in this case I think the most reasonable thing to do would be to grovel apologise to your Aunt & Uncle and see if it's possible to rearrange. I'm sure if you explain the circumstances they'll understand.

If they do rearrange I'd send them some flowers or something to say thank you/apologise. A 90th birthday is quite a special event I think.

If it can't be rearranged then send your DH with the kids and have some lovely time with your family.

No I wouldn't change my plans.

It's unfair to your own relatives.

Thanks for all the replies. fatherchewy yes I did offer to possibly change plans, MIL didn't ask me to. But it was in the sense of saying maybe I could speak to my aunt/uncle (but no promises as they may not wish to rearrange) if there was absolutely no other option. But as soon as I said that MIL was all "oh could you, that be be soo helpful". Plans still in flux though. I think I will ask DH to speak to MIL and say its not fair to ask me to mess my family around and she will have to choose between SIL's DP not going (such the obvious option imo) or me.

You already offered to try to change your plans and your MIL is still faffing. She has missed the boat I think. If she wanted you to do that she should have been grateful and respectful enough to firm up the plans there and then. As she hasn't, I think it's only fair that your Aunt and Uncle are not messed around. I think the sensible and obvious thing to do, if she is adamant everyone must attend, is to wait for a weekend when everyone is available. It's not like the party was going to be on the exact date of his birthday anyway.

Kamer: yes I got that impression re your offer. I wasn't making that point in a digging way, but to clarify because some said MIL was cheeky to ask you to change your plans when in actual fact she hadn't asked (although she may well have got round to it as her next move). Sorry if I sounded rude.

Also I think it makes more sense for the sister's partner not to go just because if you don't go then your aunt and uncle miss out on seeing your child (assuming they would want to see your child too)

MIL can't have it all - she's already being given the option of choosing several outcomes with no-one demanding anything of her or getting stroppy - I think she's just going to have to accept that not everyone can make it.

Can dh just ask dh's uncle and explain the situ and see what he thinks.
I wouldnt mess your own aunt and uncle about tbh

fatherchewy, I didn't think you were rude at all! and yes I do think it would make more sense for SIL's DP to not go rather than than DH going off with our DC and my aunt and uncle missing spending time with them.

Faffing re arrangements down to it all getting too much for MIL's sister (birthday uncle's DW) and she is waiting for her DD to get home from holiday to sort it out.

No point DH talking to his uncle as he is very frail and not involved in party planning. He is a lovely old man who I'm sure would be happy to see whoever could make it and not worried about who couldn't.

And also MIL seems to have missed the point that I said I could ask my aunt/uncle if they would mind rearranging. They might mind and if that's is the case, the original arrangements would stand.

YANBU- if it's that important for everyone to be there then the date should have been set, after consultation, months ago.

I would tell MIL that it's too late for your aunt and uncle's travel arrangements to be changed- and after all, their visit was planned first. And it'd be bloody unfair on them to miss out on seeing your DC. You need to tell MIL now though that if it's that weekend, only your DH will be able to make it.

Thanks MN jury, with your advice have come to a decision! I just phoned MIL and said I didn't want to mess my aunt and uncle around and there was no guarantee that they would be happy to change their plans anyway. She is going to speak to her sister and say to go with either the weekend SIL's DP can't make or it will have to be a weekend quite in advance that everyone can make.

Well done Kamer. Sounds like a good result. I hope she was ok with you about it and didn't give you any grief over your decision.