WIBU to ask my friend if she is getting divorced? (namechanged)

[FlightOfTheNavigator]

Hi, have namechanged for this as don't know if my friend is on MN.
WIBU to ask someone outright if they are getting divorced? Would appreciate advice as want to offer help but not seem nosy or rude (or put my foot in it).

My friend has been hinting at relationship problems since Christmas when she cancelled a night out with a group of us Mums whose preschool DCs are the same age. I was concerned but thought she was perhaps just busy.

Then recently she has started signing birthday cards + texts with just her + DCs' names, not DH. Another friend has noticed this too, not just me. I thought of sending her a msg along the lines "I see you didn't include DH on your card, just wanted to say I'm here if you need to chat etc".

Anyone on the other side of a breakup who can suggest ways for friends to help without seeming interfering? Thanks.

Just Ask.

Honestly, a straight question is much easier to deal with than someone beating around the bush and being obviously embarrassed about it.

"I see you didn't include DH on your card, just wanted to say I'm here if you need to chat etc".
Perfect IMO.
At least it would be to me anyway.

It's really hard to just come out and tell people so it's much easier if they ask.

You sound like a good friend, once it's out in the open she may want to talk or she may not, either way knowing you are there for her will mean an awful lot.

Thanks, think I will send her that msg tomorrow then. I would prefer to be open and honest if it was me.

I don't know her well enough to see her every week, or if she is already confiding in another closer friend. But she and her DCs are lovely and if I can help her I'd like to. Our oldest DCs are only in Pre-school so haven't wanted to raise it in front of the kids in case she gets upset. So I think a message would be a good start. Think I was being a bit selfish and holding back because if it's true it's going to be really upsetting :(

I see this the other way; if she wanted to talk or even tell you then I'm sure she would.It's quite obvious, so just leave it.

You sound like a caring friend.

Just be there to support her on her own terms.

The actual technical stage of her relationship isn't really that relevant is it?

Sorry - just re read my post and think it comes over as a bit snitty, it really wasn't meant to sound that way.

Hi lisaro, thanks for yr msg, that's my worry to be honest, that she would have talked already if she wanted to.

BUT she is fairly quiet and I know when I had PND (not the same situation obviously, just an example) I wished people would guess at my little clues and ask me to sit down and chat. I was so fragile I couldn't be the one to start the conversation about how I was feeling, but I wished others would take the hint and begin. Just wondered if that might be the case here.

I know when my marriage broke up I told who needed to know and just didn't want to discuss it with anybody else (you sound lovely to be concerned, by the way) but people questioning about it would have felt to me a bit intrusive. I think the clue is in the fact that she's made the point, but not said anything else. I would leave it. She'll either talk when she sees you or won't.

As you don't know her very well, the danger is that you might come across as a nosey parker being overly interested in her private business.

I suggest you wait until you see her on her own (maybe after you've dropped your dc at pre-school?), mention that you've noticed the glaring omission on her cards and say you hope everything is well with her - and leave it at that.

When I was getting divorced I was really embarrassed and weird about it and only confided in one friend. He was great but I wonder if any of my other friends wondered and didn't ask. It might have helped...

Just read the other posts this morning.

What it clearly shows is just how differently everyone reacts to this kind of thing.

I suppose that's the problem in a nutshell!

My husband and I separated in December and there's still loads of people I haven't told. Just can't seem to find the words. So for me a direct but sensitive question like that would make it easier.

I think the main thing this shows is that there really isn't a right or wrong way to go about it, it all depends on the person.

The main thing is, you care, that bit will never be wrong.

Don't do anything by text. Seriously bad idea. If it were me I'd prefer someone to ask me (face to face) how I was, so I could tell as much or as little as I wanted.

YWBU to "ask her if she is getting dovorced", but YWNBU to send her a text saying you hope everything is OK and you are there if she wants to talk.

Text is good IMO because if you say something face to face she has to respond right there and then. This way she can decide what to say (if anything) and have time to compose herself if necessary.

Agree with noinpiration better to ask next time you see her than send a text

This ereally does prove everyone is different! I think the text you plan to send is fine then she can be as .private or share as. Much as she wants

I think it's nice to show you care. You could even say, "I truly don't want to pry but I also want you to know I care".

Maybe leave it at that though. I get irritated with people asking me details about my relationship break up when it's clearly only for gossip purposes and nothing to do with being supportive.

Hi, thanks again for all the feedback, have been at work so no chance to MN today. It has given me lots to think about - haven't contacted my friend yet but am going to be aware of how she might be feeling when I do.