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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about locking a 6 YO in house for five minutes

29 replies

CreepyWeeBrackets · 05/03/2012 19:49

My sister lives very close to her local shop and needed some milk. It was about to close. Nephew aged three was happy to go but not older nephew. He is being investigated for SN and can be very difficult.

Sister lost her temper and ended up locking him in and just going. It takes less than a minute to get there but does involve crossing a road and can get quite busy. She mentioned that he was shouting through the letterbox when she returned and was worried someone would have heard.

I have had occasion to to concerned in the past but before I get roasted, being on MN has actually made me less judgey and more accepting of different parenting styles. I can't for the life of me understand why she lives the way she does as we had the same upbringing and opportunities, but it's her choice and DC are clothed, clean, fed etc so I wind my neck in a lot.

My first thought was fire, because DN has been known to get at lighters which have been left around. To be honest I was quite speechless when I was told and have only just had time to sit and think about it. I do what I can to support her. Help with money and officialdom as she is a LP. But there is a limit to what I can do as my own child is autistic and our mother is very ill and this is mainly falling to me too.

She has been offered various parenting courses over the last few years by other agencies but as they have been optional she hasn't gone, or thought they could benefit her or DN. Our Sure Start centre has also closed.

WWYD?

OP posts:
AwkwardMary · 05/03/2012 19:52

Seems a very dangerous thing to do to any angry child. Not just one who may have SN.

A determined 6 year old is quite capable of opening a window and getting out.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/03/2012 19:54

I would call social services so they could offer support.

I think it's crappy she's turned down parenting courses because they're 'optional' Hmm - it's hardly good parenting locking a child in a house when they are defiant and have extra needs.

She needs help.

EirikurNoromaour · 05/03/2012 19:55

Extremely dangerous and unacceptable.

PeanutButterCupCake · 05/03/2012 19:56

Most unacceptable. Anything could have happened Sad

Original poster
CreepyWeeBrackets · 05/03/2012 19:58

Oh Christ you've reminded me. He has tried that a couple of times with the younger one while sister was asleep. She sleeps until noon weekends and school holidays. I think there are locks on now though.

OP posts:
Kirst16 · 05/03/2012 19:59

I honestly wouldn't risk it at all. There are just far too many hazards in the home which a lone child could encounter. Then of course there is also the unforeseen things such as an accident on the way home which could delay the parents return.

Is there not a neighbour whom could be called upon to look after the little one for a couple of mins? Otherwise I would keep a carton of long life milk in the cupboard for emergencies.

faeriemoo · 05/03/2012 20:00

Blimey.

Generally, with my six year old? I may contemplate it in the circumstances you described - i.e. distance, time.
With that particular child as you have described? Not a hope in hell.

And I certainly wouldn't lock the door. If I thought my child was in any danger of trying to 'escape', I wouldn't leave them there.

Psammead · 05/03/2012 20:01

For five mins with the right six year old, happy, occupied, I would do it.

But under those circumstances, absolutely no way. And it wouldn't be passers-by hearing that would stop me Shock . Disgraceful that that's what she's worried about.

OriginalJamie · 05/03/2012 20:03

Not on.

I have left mine and quickly popped to the shop on the corner, but mine aren't like this, and not in these circumstances - angry/upset/ill-prepared child.

Wouldn't lock the door either

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 05/03/2012 20:04

In the circumstances in which you have described .... Your SIL is one stupid woman. Call social services.

BobblyGussets · 05/03/2012 20:08

I am alarmed to hear she sleeps in on non-school days. Does she leave the kids to it until midday?

There is more going on here I think OP? If she has been "offered" parenting courses, then HV or docs whoever has offered it obviously think she has a problem looking after her children.

imogengladheart · 05/03/2012 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EirikurNoromaour · 05/03/2012 20:11

Come on now OP that is seriously dangerous. How can you be accepting of that? Someone needs to step in.

girliefriend · 05/03/2012 20:18

Came onto this thread thinking 'yes I would' I have a 6yo dd and as I live on a ground floor flat have occasionally if she is watching telly or playing happily left her for 5 mins to go and get the washing in. However in those circumstances no not on, as if he is angry and ?sn then anything could happen.

Original poster
CreepyWeeBrackets · 05/03/2012 20:22

Eirikur, yes, I think a line has been crossed which is why I am asking for advice. It is so difficult because my Dad has always gone round and cleaned the place up, taken bags of laundry to do, bought milk, bread - kept an eye on things. Now that my Mum is unwell he is under much more strain and if SS were involved he would bear the brunt of it. She screams and shouts and rages at him until he does what she wants.

The parenting courses have been suggested by Paeds and pre-school. It is hard to know if DN is the way he is through SN or environmental factors / chaotic lifestyle.

I bloody well take my hat off to social workers Sad

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 05/03/2012 20:25

A toddler died recently when he drank plant food. His mum was asleep until 12 and he was thirsty :(

I can't imagine how hard your position must be but you know what danger she is putting her children to.

Original poster
CreepyWeeBrackets · 05/03/2012 20:30

She has a friend who helps her out with babysitting at night. Her children were taken into care. This happened a few years ago. Okay - people change, no judging.

Last week when I was visiting the friend arrived and was very good with DN, explaining all about behaviour and consequences. She then told me that she had just been to probation because last summer she took a knife to a public place because some people wanted to fight her.

Thank you all for not roasting me. I am going to buy my sister some long-life milk first thing tomorrow whatever I decide to do!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2012 20:40

If you cared about the children, you would contact SS.

Don't kid yourself that you do, if you don't take action.

desperatenotstupid · 05/03/2012 20:45

I really think you need to phone social services, are they already involved? I ask because you say she was offered parenting classes before and didnt go. Im not sure you can teach someone to be a good parent but ss will be able to offer some suppprt.

Do you have a homestart in your area, this is different from surestart and they may offer some practical help

Your sister is very lucky to have you, but i think you are going to have to make some harsh decisions x

Original poster
CreepyWeeBrackets · 05/03/2012 20:45

Birds well coming from you I am going to take that comment very seriously. Fuck. They do love her. Will she really get support?

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 05/03/2012 20:47

Reading further into this thread, is your sister under the doctor? Does she suffer from depression? She needs some serious help bless her :(

Original poster
CreepyWeeBrackets · 05/03/2012 20:49

No SS involvement as yet but we live in an area with extremely high social deprivation. I used to teach here so I know that there are many children at risk every day of their lives. My daughter's old primary had four SS info requests every week on average.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2012 20:51

I am sorry to be blunt, but the children are at risk. I cannot help feeling that your sister has been targeted by this woman because she is vulnerable.

She may have to break the friendship, she will be advised that she shouldn't be leaving the children in her friends care, depending on why she had her children removed.

SS will draw up a plan, your sister wil have to follow it and engage.

Tbh, school will soon pick things up and the children will eventually be on some sort of plan, anyway.

If services are put in place sooner rather than later, the children will be less damaged and your sister has a better chance of getting back on track.

Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2012 20:54

If a neighbour had of phoned the police, the children would have been removed, if you act, this won't happen and the risk of an accident happening will be removed.

SS involvement will force your sister to address her issues and the outcome will be better for all of them.

The start of inappropriate friendships should be sounding warning bells for your family.

You cannot control whoshe is having in her life or around her children, you need to realise that abusers target vulnerable families.

Help your sister to protect herself and her children.

grumblinalong · 05/03/2012 21:01

Social care will be able to advise you on what best course of action would be. Ring your local authority referral line. They will decide if a core assessment is needed, or a caf or homestart. Either way the professionals will tell you what needs to be done, disabled children teams can push through LDD assessment and support through this too so might not necessarily be coming at it from safeguarding angle.