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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel really pissed of at DSS's mum?

20 replies

sensuallettuce · 04/03/2012 21:22

OH is going to sea soon for four months. Next weekend my kids are with their dad so we have a weekend alone and the weekend after we have our final weekend and we will have my kids and his to DD's.

We are not sure when OH will get to see his DS before he goes and if he doesn't it will be August the next time. DSS (16) lives a long way away with his mum so I texted DSS and said if you can get a lift to the airport and check its okay with your mum I will pay for you to fly down that weekend and surprise your dad and your little sisters. He replies yep its all fine my mum can take and collect me so I go ahead and book the ticket (over £200 - non refundable).

Spoke to OH best mate last night it turns out DSS has been phoning and texting everyone trying to get a lift and his mum hadn't realised it was only one day (not sure why as he is in yr 11 so we weren't going to take him out of school ) and had said she wouldn't take him - but he obviously panicked and didn't want to tell me as I had booked and paid for the ticket.

He came and stayed with me for 2 weeks in the summer while OH was at sea and I booked and paid for the flight and gave her all my contact details and she gave me none of hers, and that was all arranged through DSS and me with her permission.

I had to spill the beans to OH to see if he can think of any other options and it all went a bit tits up. Anyway we have now sorted a lift (phew) but is no longer a surprise.

Tonight I logged in to FB to find she has sent me a shitty message (we are not FB friends but I had messaged her last night asking if she is able to take him still - only way I had of contacting her) saying I should have checked it out with her before I booked it (I thought I had), what a massive hassle and expense it will be for her to get DSS from the airport, I should've booked a closer airport (there isn't one) and as he'll only get one whole day with his dad its not worth the expense and effort. I pointed out that she has never given me her phone number (even when her son was in my care for 2 weeks) and I thought I had oked it with her as I presumed DSS wouldn't lie to me, and I am very sorry I would contact her directly in future. She sent another shitty message saying I can get her number from DSS (could she have included it in the shitty msge?)

WIBU I am not sure what else I could've done :( Just feel totally shit in trying to do something fun and nice has turned into a massive palava and pissed everyone off.

OP posts:

edam · 04/03/2012 21:24

Oh dear, I'm sorry your surprise was ruined. Sounds miserable. BUT dss is still coming to see his Daddy before he goes off, so despite everything, the important stuff is still happening. Sorry it's all been so difficult - really unfair.

Hope the four months goes very quickly and dh comes back to you safe and sound.

Original poster

sensuallettuce · 04/03/2012 21:31

Thanks and yes most important thing is that he is coming - just can't believe her bloody attitude tbh.

OP posts:

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 04/03/2012 21:57

Rise above it! One day your DSS will look back and remember that you enabled him to have this day with his dad and sisters. You're "being the bigger person" to use the old cliche, and she is just coming off as spiteful and mean. What matters is DSS gets to see his dad - when your DH is going away for so long that's no small thing.

Original poster

sensuallettuce · 04/03/2012 22:01

Shes asked OH for £20 petrol money for the airport trip

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/03/2012 22:05

YANBU, she shouldnt be so shitty with you on the phone.. but, how far from the airport is it for her? does it means she has to make arrangements to be able to go to the airport and then collect him too? It sounds like he hadnt checked with her that it was ok before telling you that it was.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 04/03/2012 22:05

Give her the twenty quid with a sweet smile. It'll piss her off.

Pandygirl · 04/03/2012 22:06

Just ignore the shitty messages, DSS is (almost) old enough for you to arrange this between you - and he will remember this!

McHappyPants2012 · 04/03/2012 22:12

Are you the poster that dss came over for the summer he came with money which was meant to be given to you.

McHappyPants2012 · 04/03/2012 22:17

But spent it on himself in front if dc and found out later it was meant to be for you

WildImaginings · 05/03/2012 02:39

YANBU
As pombearatthegatesofdawn said, your DSS will know that you went out of your way to arrange for him to spend a nice day with his Dad and sisters.
DSS's Mum sounds extremely petty, especially with her asking for money towards petrol when you've paid for his flight cheeky cow!

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 03:28

Give her the twenty quid with a sweet smile. It'll piss her off.

--------

Especially if you've given her the twenty quid in 1p, 2p and 5p pieces. (All mixed up so she can't get them weighed.)

biddysmama · 05/03/2012 08:57

yanbu and sound like a great step mum :)

BigGirlInASmallWorld · 05/03/2012 09:07

YANBU, adopt me :)

iscream · 05/03/2012 09:36

Yes, just give her the money, and try and forget about it. Does your dh have her contact details? If so, add them to your address book for any future plans.

iscream · 05/03/2012 09:39

BTW, you did do something very nice, very thoughtful and caring for your dss. Don't you feel bad about it. You trusted a 16 yr old, and some are more reliable than others.

Original poster

sensuallettuce · 05/03/2012 09:59

Erm yes that was also me .

It wasn't him though it was just his mum being very slack in paying me for his flight (took her 3 months ).

Unfortuneately I had by that time mentioned my suspicions to OH but luckily not DSS. I was mortified , and I haven't been allowed to live it down either!!

OP posts:

WibblyBibble · 05/03/2012 11:40

Er, you could have asked her, if she can contact you on facebook then you must have been able to contact her the same way. Obviously you should be able to trust a 16 year old to ask her first but it sounds like he didn't and it sounds like he has a bit of a history seeing comments above, so you should have sorted it out with the adults. I know in films and whatever they are always doing this spontaneous shit but in real life it affects other people and you need to discuss things with them before making 'suprise visit' plans. It's very unfair on his mum to expect her to act as a free taxi service for you to play happy families, when it sounds like she is hard up for money already- probably she would have sorted something out if you had asked her first, but now you've made it difficult for her and undermined her authority with her son by forcing her into something. So yes, I think YABU and you need to show a bit more thought for your DSS's mum in future. The visit is a nice idea though, and wouldn't it have been much nicer if you had planned it properly by talking to everyone involved instead of playing childish games? Much less stressful for you to sort it out properly as well so hopefully that will motivate you in future.

porcamiseria · 05/03/2012 12:04

she's being a bitch, and its NOTHING to do with yopu, so just rise above it

sue52 · 05/03/2012 12:27

She's being very difficult but your DSS will soon be 18 and less under her influence. She must realise that this will make her DS lose respect for her due to her inflexible attitude.

Original poster

sensuallettuce · 05/03/2012 14:35

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to surprise someone - it it's nothing to with with films? .

I don't recall saying she was skint either or a "free taxi service" it's her son surely transporting children around is part of being a parent ESP when it involves enabling them to see their other parent.

I certainly do it for my own DC's.

OP posts:

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