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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

daughters ex has followed her

22 replies

pancakeswife · 04/03/2012 20:49

Could anyone advise - my daughter move back to her home town when ex had 3 affairs so she had family help - he followed her and rented a house about 2 miles away from her and thier 2 boys 2yrs and 4yrs at the time - 12 mths down the line they are now divorced but now he says he is going to buy a house as close as he can near them as in one he as mentioned is only 5 doors away - this is realy getting to her now - he has regualar access thats not a problem as she doesn't want to keep them away from there daddy but feels it will be too comfusing being so close - and apart from talking about the boys care and welfare she wants nothing to do with him. s anyone else had this problem thanks in advance.

OP posts:

LilacWaltz · 04/03/2012 20:51

Maybe he wants 50/50 residency? But it's not something your dd can stop.

SardineQueen · 04/03/2012 20:58

That is quite odd, I'm not surprised your daughter is unhappy.

I don't know if there's anything she can do about it though. Unless he starts following her about or something.

Original poster

pancakeswife · 04/03/2012 21:02

He has them every other weekend and a 2 day 1 sleep aweek.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 04/03/2012 21:09

tough to judge without further information.
On the bare facts I'd say he wants to be near his kids and there's nothing wrong with that.The fact that it puts your daughter out or she's not best pleased would be irrelevant to me.
Obviously if there's more to it or if he's been threatening/abusive or is harrassing her then my opinion would change.

sleepsforwimps2010 · 04/03/2012 21:09

if shes renting somewhere, id let him buy 5doors away then move.......

MyLittleMiracle · 04/03/2012 21:11

Even if he wanted 50/50 residency it wouldnt mean he would have to live a few doors away surely? Maybe a few streets etc, but not doors. He seems all but stalking her. He could easily stay in the same area as he is, as he seems to be having access anyway.

Sapphirefling · 04/03/2012 21:16

Is he controlling ? Is she afraid of him ? Does she feel threatened by him ?

Because if her only concern is that it will confuse the children, then I think that's something she'll just have to deal with.

SardineQueen · 04/03/2012 21:28

No-one would want their ex who they are not on friendly terms with moving in a couple of doors down. Bumping into him when going on teh school run, out for some milk, out for a date. It would make most people feel quite uncomfortable I think.

Even a few streets away would be OK, but on the same road? It's not on and is a bit odd IMO.

boredandrestless · 04/03/2012 21:31

Yes is she renting currently?

He may well be wanting to up the amount of time he has the children, he may just want to be 'in' her life.

If I was in her situation I would wait until he bought somewhere and then move. I wouldn't tell him I planned to move either.

Original poster

pancakeswife · 04/03/2012 21:40

He's always pestering her when he has the boy's he has to ask her everything as in what to feed what they like ect, in the last 12mts she has had to change access as he has changed his shifts he thinks its his right to have at his convenience she feel like a child minder for him she doesn't come into it - everything with him is me! me! me - and as for moving else were he just says he'll move too - he's even looked at her house on rightmove.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 04/03/2012 21:50

He sounds like a nightmare. My sympathies for your daughter.

I wonder if you posted in relationships maybe or lone parents you might get some advice as to what, if anything, she can do.

Original poster

pancakeswife · 04/03/2012 21:57

Thanks l might try that.

OP posts:

BasilRathbone · 04/03/2012 22:05

Is he planning to rent or buy?

Because I would echo other posters, let him buy and then if she's renting, she can move elsewhere.

Is he a bit stalky or controlling in other ways?

Original poster

pancakeswife · 04/03/2012 22:10

She has just bought 2 weeks ago and now he says he's going to buy near to her.

OP posts:

BasilRathbone · 04/03/2012 22:17

Oh god.

What a PITA.

So is he stalky in other ways?

Original poster

pancakeswife · 04/03/2012 22:23

He just wants to be in control and have the last word about everything.

OP posts:

NarkedPuffin · 04/03/2012 22:31

Shit. That sounds awful.

It's great that he's moved to be close to his children, but moving to the same street is a step beyond that. It's stalky and odd.

Maybe she could try cutting her contact with him? Stop talking to him on the phone and handle communication by email and text. Have someone else take the children round to his house and pick them up so she doesn't have to see him. Not let him into her home etc. Stuff that won't have any impact on his time with the children but will cut her out of his life.

Original poster

pancakeswife · 04/03/2012 22:43

We're just trying that - he always trys to get in on some excuse but she hasn't moved into her new house yet as it needed some work but as me and her dad have had to help her to buy her home for her and the boys as he as lied blackmail and cheated her out of money that was hers we feel he shouldn't come in so as we part own the house we shall tell him he is not welcome - we do not let the boy now any of this to us they are our priority.

OP posts:

NarkedPuffin · 04/03/2012 23:02

Unfortunately that's all you can do

Keep him out of the house. Keep any contact written and if it requires an urgent response eg he asks something about the children that needs an a verbal answer let her tell you and you call him back.

And get the current contact arrangements officially signed off and stick to them - don't allow him to rearrange them as he sees fit and expect her to change her plans.

NarkedPuffin · 04/03/2012 23:05

It's such a shame. It's ideal for the children to have him close but not when he's using it as an excuse to basically stalk her.

NarkedPuffin · 04/03/2012 23:16

I can't think of anyone, friends or family, that I'd want to move into my street.

MyLittleMiracle · 04/03/2012 23:36

Me neither, my new street. And this almost sounds like emotional abuse to me. He is making her feel insecure and nervous in her new home? How is that fair on the children. If he had been the other side of the country and moved to the same town or city i could understand it, but there is only one ex i would want to live even that near to! And he was more like a brother in the end, which is probably why it would never have worked. Speak to a solicitor about what you can do? Do you have any grounds for an injunction or non-molestation order? I dont know how they work?

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