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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just not understand this attitude?

290 replies

Livinginaparalleluniverse · 04/03/2012 20:28

Unfortunately my sister is in a wheelchair, the NHS provided wheelchair is functional, but too heavy for her to manovere by herself, and therefore she requires someone to go with her if she wants to go out anywhere.

The wheelchair she can use by herself is £1,000. NHS say they won't provide as they've done their bit and provided a wheelchair. My wealthy mother who for her £1k is a drop in the ocean, has spent 18mths battling the NHS to get this chair. My sister has asked my mum if any chance she could provide the chair, being very dependent is affecting my sister psychologically. My mum's attitude is the NHS should be providing the chair and therefore she refuses to purchase chair on principle not monetary.

Yes in an ideal world the NHS would have the funds to provide the best piece of equipment available, but we don't and that's the way it is.

My friend's son has a severe speech impediment and is waiting for speech and language therapy, but in their area due to staff shortage there is significant delay beyond the recommended 8 weeks. Again very wealthy, funds not the issue.

When I recommended going private, they were horrifed at having to, as why should they spend their money on something that the state should (and incidentally do provide just not in timely fashion)?

I just don't understand this attitude at all.

If you agree with them, please explain.

If you agree with me, thank you.

OP posts:
BagofHolly · 04/03/2012 20:30

YANBU.

YellowDinosaur · 04/03/2012 20:32

YANBU.

Fine to stand up for a principle but when the principle is actually hurting you its time to look at the bigger picture.

However you will probably getting lots of people saying 'none of your business' and 'what makes you think you know the ins and outs of their finances' spectacularly missing the point!

weekendworrier · 04/03/2012 20:32

You are right- I don't understand it either. Sounds like your sister is paying a high price for your mum's principles.

workshy · 04/03/2012 20:32

I understand their attitude in principle
I pay for the NHS as I work full time and pay appropriate taxes & NI contributions

however if it was my family member then I would grudingly stick my hand in my pocket if I was in a financial position to do so

faeriemoo · 04/03/2012 20:33

YANBU to be pissed off at the attitude that people have not to supply something that they can without relying on the state.

Does your sister not get DLA that could go at least part way towards funding her chair?

Cherriesarelovely · 04/03/2012 20:34

I agree with you OP. I just cannot imagine being a mother and being able to afford a wheelchair that my DD needed and refusing to buy it. That is really shocking. Yes, as you say, in an ideal world she would not have to but this is not an ideal world.

For some reason I feel slighlty differently about your friends DS with the speech impedement. I suppose it depends how long the delay will be. If it is for example 10 weeks then I can understand them waiting. If it is months and months and this child is in dire need then I agree, if I had the money I would probably go private.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/03/2012 20:34

They are right, in principle - but I would still buy the wheelchair etc.

troisgarcons · 04/03/2012 20:36

Some people are brought up with the mantra of the state provides. There is a logic to 'I pay my taxes for this' .... I understand that principle.

Mishy1234 · 04/03/2012 20:36

Yanbu.

If it were my child (or any other family member) I would without question.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2012 20:36

I agree with you to a point, OP, but if it were my sister, I'd find a way to get the chair with or without parental help. If they won't help then they won't - over to someobody else who cares...

legoballoon · 04/03/2012 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiaWickham · 04/03/2012 20:37

YANBU - time for some tough talk to your mother, tell her the NHS will not provide the chair, so she can either spend the money to help her daughter or she can watch her daughter struggle, but she should accept it's not the NHS leaving your sister to struggle, it's her.

My parents are like this, they would rather struggle than to spend some money on something they can 'get for free' even if it's inferior. My brother's broken front tooth was a good case in point, as NHS wouldn't cap it, they left it - when he got to 18 and asked his dentist about it, he was told it would cost £150. My parents could have afforded that easily, they just wouldn't consider paying to be an option.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 04/03/2012 20:39

I don't understand that attitude either, it's pointless to go without something essential (or to allow a loved to) out of principle.

They are right that the NHS should provide those things though, and if I was in a position to be able to spend £1000 on a wheelchair then I would probably also be paying a lot of tax. It would be especially awful to pay a lot of tax into the system and then not be able to get what you need back out of it.

swanker · 04/03/2012 20:47

...and yet... when people do use their money and go to a private doctor/consultant instead of waiting 3 months for referral it seems they're always 'bypassing the system', 'buying advantage', 'think they're better than us'
Hmm

Can't win whatever you do tbh.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 04/03/2012 20:49

I would move heaven and earth to pay for something my son needed to improve his life if he couldn't get it from the NHS or was facing a very long wait.

I have a friend who needs a motorised wheelchair. She was given an ordinary wheelchair by the NHS but it is not suitable for her, she is in content pain, cannot manoeuvre it herself and her husband has a condition which means he can't push her in it without being in extreme pain himself.

She had been waiting for more than a year for an assessment for one from the NHS, then had an appointment in which the assessor decided she wasn't qualified to make the decision in my friends case and so they are back at the bottom of the waiting list as they have had their appointment even though it lasted less than ten minutes with nothing resolved either way.

They have bought a motorised scooter on a credit card because they just couldn't wait any longer. It still doesn't help her get about at home but at least she has some freedom outside now and her husband isn't at risk of damaging himself trying to take her out and about.

I also know a couple who were forced to modify their home themselves when the husband became disabled and was also diagnosed with dementia. His wife is tiny, he is quite large. She was struggling to get him in the bath and he was soiling himself on a daily basis. They were put on a waiting list for modifications to their bathroom but they kept being moved down it rather than up because other people were being added who had greater needs than his. Luckily they had savings to pay for it but his children from his first marriage are now blaming their stepmother (over over 40 years) for spending their inheritance when she should have waited for the NHS to pay.

I'm with you OP. I can understand people feeling angry that they cannot get the help they need quickly enough, can understand that they resent paying for something that the NHS may eventually provide 'for free', but I cannot understand why someone would suffer themselves or watch someone they love suffer if they have the means to pay for something that will help improve their life.

ChickenLickn · 04/03/2012 20:53

The NHS is a national insurance scheme that you have paid into all your life.

If it then doesn't provide when you need it, it is annoying and I am not surprised that she is fighting it on principle. There might be a time when it seems wiser to just give up and do it yourself (big society style).

However while she is able to get a suitable chair because she has been financially fortunate, in other circumstances she knows she would not be so lucky. By fighting for things to be done properly, it might improve things for everyone else, rather than just herself.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 04/03/2012 20:54

That should be 'constant pain' not content pain.

And 'of over 40 years of marriage' not over over 40 years.

Chubfuddler · 04/03/2012 20:56

YANBU. I would still be childless if i had waited for the nhs to provide.

Hebiegebies · 04/03/2012 20:59

YANBU

HappyCamel · 04/03/2012 21:04

Can't she pay for her own wheelchair? Presumably she gets DLA etc etc and may also work as well.

Original poster
Livinginaparalleluniverse · 04/03/2012 21:13

Unfortunately she is unable to work. She uses her higher rate mobility to have a car, with a ramp so that the wheelchair can get in. The rest of her money is used on food etc.

Her partner works full time, so she is trapped in the house 8-6 every day.

I also work full time, so unable to help out. And if I had spare money then yes I would defy my mother (despite the grief she'd give me) and purchase the wheelchair, I'm just not in a position to do so.

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 04/03/2012 21:15

Can i recommend you get in touch with your local Red Cross, they have schemes where they can lend out things like wheel chairs etc. Im not sure if they will have anything specialised that your sister might need, but it is certainly worth a try.

Original poster
Livinginaparalleluniverse · 04/03/2012 21:16

Thanks for the recommendation she has tried them, but unfortunately they had nothing suitable.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 04/03/2012 21:18

Whether children are the province of the NHS to provide are a whole other, frankly emotive thread/debate.

GrahamTribe · 04/03/2012 21:23

YANBU and I don't understand it either.