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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

....to crack up right about .... NOW

106 replies

HorribleDay · 04/03/2012 18:48

I am a woman on the edge right about now. DS is 14 months.

  • FIL has cancer. My MIL died of the same cancer in July 2011. We nursed her at home because local hospice had no beds (for 5 days) until it was too late to move her. Very traumatic and horrific to watch (tho proud of doing it). FIL end stage now (were told at Christmas he had a few days so really glad we've had the extra time). He's in said local hospice, for symptom control. He's apparently got anywhere between a few days and who knows how long left, but is confused (brain secondaries), chest rattling (lung primary), breathless, banging headaches not controlled with codiene, extreme dizziness and can't walk without falling. It appears he may be discharged from the hospice this week as he's 'not got only a few days yet', with the plan to readmit when he deteriorates further (to what, unconsciousness???).
  • AIBU no. 1 - to want FIL to stay in the hospice until the end, no matter how long it takes, so we don't have the trauma a mere 7 months on of caring for him until death at home?
  • My nan has a recent diagnosis of dementia. MH services won't take responsilibty for her care because they say it's social care needs (food, prompting with meds, reminding not to go and walk in the local secluded woods alone, not to let strangers in who pitch up on front door for 'a drink' etc etc). Social Services won't take responsibility for her care becasue a. she can wash herself (this seems to be their only criteria...) and b. it's the MH team's problem.
  • AIBU no. 2 - to want SOMEONE to HELP me and my mum, who has major physical disabilities, to support my Nan at home so she doesn't need a care home (at vastly greater cost) and what can I do with the service buck passing??
  • My mum is about 6 stone overweight, smoker, and has a hernia op booked in 4 days (urgent referral).
  • AIBU no. 3 - to be petrified she's going to die on the operating table?

And finally, thanks for sticking with me, AIBU no. 4 - to crack up right now? I work FT, as does DH, and we have a 14 month old DS who is amazing - we share childcare so one of us always has DS. Which makes all of this harder to cope with. No healthy family nearby (all around 200 miles away). DH is struggling to cope with the loss of his beloved mother (as am I) and the imminent loss of his beloved father. I feel like I'm trying to hold everyone together, and was hideously ill last week with antibiotics for an abscess that I am sure is stress related.

Apologies for the mammoth post and several spurious AIBU - I don't know what to do bar sit in a heap and cry at the moment. And then I will pick myself up and carry on....

OP posts:
carols9995 · 22/03/2012 22:04

I really feel for you and hope it gets better. You're right to try to concentrate on one thing at a time. Sending you healing thoughts.

HorribleDay · 24/03/2012 09:49

Thank you. Much appreciated!

Can't believe we're still here. Such a long fight for FiL, who vehemently says over an over that he just wants to die. wish he could will himself there - he desperately needs the peace.

I'm having a day off going to the hospice as my own Dfather is flying in (he lives abroad) for 24 hours, so off to the farm with DS then going to restock my house at Tesco as bot been shopping in weeks bar picking up fresh bits. Feel guitly as hell for not going today but DH has just headed over there, and my BIL is there today too. He's got love around him and I can recharge.

OP posts:
carols9995 · 24/03/2012 20:39

You are the last person to feel guilty. You do more than enough as it is. Hope having them around helps you out and you got yourself some treats with your shopping! I was taught that as long as you have food in the cupboard and clean clothes the rest can wait.

Sending you healing thoughts.

HorribleDay · 24/03/2012 21:24

Well we had a lovely day out - 2 day old piglets at the farm went down v well with DS, horses less so! Have well stocked cupboards now thank god, loads of fresh fruit in for on the go snacks (skin suffering from crisps and choc snacking) and feel recharged - no change in FiL today :(

That's a good new mantra too - washing done, easy meals in, I'm going to relax in front of Saturday night trash :)

Thank you again for the healing thoughts xx

OP posts:
HorribleDay · 30/03/2012 20:31

A week on and we're still here, amazingly. FiL now on the Liverpool Care Pathway, unconscious, no food or fluids for 48 hours bar about 10 ml tea. Think we won't be in this situation much beyond mon or Tues.

And now his death is imminent I'm distraught.

At hospice now and staying tonight, while DH takes DS home - have my best mate staying all weekend and then taking DS to my Aunt on Monday for a few days. Don't want to be away from him but absolutely do not want him to be around his beloved Granddad if he's unconscious or worse, and don't want him to see our distress. He's only a baby.

Thanks all of you thus far for supporting us - it's been much appreciated xx

OP posts:
carols9995 · 31/03/2012 00:39

Glad you had a good day out and a chance to relax. I've been thinking of you and wondering if there's any news, sorry to hear situation's no better.

You're doing right thing with your son. Glad your friend is there to offer support.

Hope you have a restful night. You couldn't do more for him and he's in right place.

Sending you and your family healing. xxxx.

Bewilderedmum · 31/03/2012 01:05

Horrible day - sending you love and strength - it is incredibly difficult, and such a long journey - you want them to let go for their own sake, and yet when they do, it is terribly hard. You want to be there all the time - but yet need a break - it completely wears you out physically and emotionally.

I went through it with my dad and with my MIL - there were bright spots - we got to say what we needed to, to each other, they knew I was there, and I felt useful - but the last 24-48 hours were very tough. It is like running a marathon, and being beaten up all at the same time.

If you feel able - keep talking to him - make sure you take regular breaks - even a walk outside in the fresh air to help clear your head.

Am thinking of you xxx

HorribleDay · 01/04/2012 00:32

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Second night here - I went home in the wee small hours on advice of nurse who suggested she felt it wasn't imminent and, wisely, that I needed rest.

I think probably tonight or early morning now. Breathing very shallow and pulse very very high. BiL with me and DH resting at home.

I pray the suffering is over soon (and I don't do praying) - he's sedated but still struggling for each breath :(

OP posts:
oldnewmummy · 01/04/2012 01:22

Just found ths thread. You are amazing, but don't be afraid to cry and vent when you need to. And if you need to post in the wee small hours, there are some of in different time zones who'll be here to reply. Thinking of you.

HorribleDay · 01/04/2012 01:45

Thank you - it is so so isolating at 2am. His breathing is alternatig between very fast and very very slow now :(

OP posts:
Aerobreaking · 01/04/2012 01:59

Just read this through and wanted to add my prayers and thoughts to this thread. It's nearly a year since I watched my beloved grandma pass away, with some similarities to your FIL - she just kept holding out, day after day. It showed just what a strong lady she was in life, that her body fought until the end. She spent 5 days on the Liverpool Care Pathway, and it was difficult to watch but I'm so glad I was there right at the end. I want you to know though, that now that he is sedated and unconscious, although it might seem like he is struggling for breath, that's just his body, not his mind. He is already in no pain, he isn't suffering any more. After a long life, his body is just slowly winding down, it's painful to watch, but it isn't painful to him. I will be thinking of you tonight.

MildredH · 01/04/2012 02:25

hd can't sleep so browsing around here and just read whole thread. So very sorry you're going through this. I hope your dfil is comfortable and wanted to add my thoughts and prayers. You're not alone xx

Earthymama · 01/04/2012 02:55

Can I make a suggestion?

My dearest, lovely Mam hung on to life by the strongest but thinnest of threads for months, barely there, it was heart breaking.
I went to a Healing Session at Chalice Well in Glastonbury and was in floods and floods of tears. The wonderful practitioner held me close then sat and held my hands as I sobbed out my story.
'Have you told your mother you will be ok if she passes?"
A real lightbulb moment, I told my Mam on the next evening, Sunday, everything I wanted her to know, that she was wonderful, we all loved her, that I had love and comfort in abundance and that I would be fine if she went to heaven to see my Nanna and my Aunty.
She was barely conscious but I felt a sense of relief.
I arranged for vicar to visit with Eucharist and Mam passed on the next day.
I am not sure if this would help your DFiL or sounds too woo for you and DH.
I think you are very brave.
With regards to your Nan, I second Age Concern and Mental Health nurse visiting. Also emphasise that you are under strain and cry if you feel like it, no stiff upper lip, you are seen as a coper, they are stretched and will 'use' you.
Thinking of you all, I understand the blessings of little ones, they get one through the hardest of circumstance.
Bless you all EM

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2012 03:58

My wonderful MIL passed away last summer in hospice. I can't offer any advice but it made me feel happy that she saw DD before she died and told DH that she is special. The first year has been hard. Thinking of you.

HorribleDay · 01/04/2012 06:00

My lovely FiL died at 04.41. My MiL came and found him - there were lots of light flashes between midnight and 5am from outside the window next to his bed and the nightlight kept flickering. Thank you all for your support xxxx

OP posts:
golemmings · 01/04/2012 06:03

Thinking of you.
Xx

CalamityJones · 01/04/2012 06:28

I'm so sorry for your loss, HorribleDay. My mum died of lung cancer just a year after my dad's very sudden death. At the end I was praying for her to just let go and be at peace, and then feeling horribly guilty that I wanted her to die. I didn't, of course, I just wanted an end to her suffering. But her death was a relief as well as dreadfully sad.

It was my pregnancy that got me through my dad's death and my baby dd that's getting me through mum's. I hope you and your husband can find the same comfort in your ds. I wish you strength for the coming months. Take care of yourself.

LindyHemming · 01/04/2012 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WandaDoff · 01/04/2012 07:35

It's been 11 months since MIL died, 22 months since Dad died.

I'm glad that they both went relatively peacefully.

It still hurts though. All the time Sad

if there is anyway I can help in RL then I will do.

Please let me know though.

I'm G13 if that helps Smile

oldnewmummy · 01/04/2012 07:38

Sorry to hear that, HD, but at last he's in peace. What a lovely thought, that your MIL came for him. Will be thinking of you and your family. You should be very proud of how much you were there for both of them at the end. Xx

carols9995 · 01/04/2012 13:27

So sorry love. I send healing thoughts about his passing to the spirit world and to your family and you.

Just remember you were there for him always and hope you take comfort from that. Hope you manage to get some rest and that you ask for help when you need it. xxxx.

GingerBlondecat · 01/04/2012 14:02

((((HUGS)))) Thinking of you.

btdt with my own darling Fil.

HorribleDay · 01/04/2012 19:23

Thank you all. And thank you Wanda for the offer - we're in Nottinghamshire but the thought if very much appreciated!

Much as I don't do 'woo-ness' (for lack of a better all encompassing phrase) there was something very very spooky happening last night with the split second flashes of light outside the window behind his head, and the flickering of the nightlight above him - I am more and more convinced that my MiL came for him, as the room went freezing cold then very warm and he smiled. Lovely final memory.

We're back at home ,had a pub lunch and large glass of wine then came back and slept for the last few hours. We're both incredibly sad but there's elements of relief kicking in too.

Thanks so so much for all the support over the last few months - I will at some point start a thread about something fun and non-controversial like weaning or grapes in the supermarket

But the support has been invaluable and is very much appreciated. I love MN xxxxx

OP posts:
carols9995 · 01/04/2012 22:12

My pleasure. Glad you've had a quiet restful day. You did all you could and that will stay with you.

I live in Wales. Pity it's not nearer that I could have offered practical help.

Hope you have a good nights rest. xxxx.

Earthymama · 02/04/2012 22:24

Sending you many Blessings and big cwtches, rest now xx