Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mortified

47 replies

banana87 · 03/03/2012 22:26

My great aunt passed away this week. The viewing was yesterday, the funeral today in the US.

Today my cousin posted a picture of my aunt in her open casket on Facebook. I feel this was highly inappropriate. AIBU?

OP posts:
MissVerinder · 03/03/2012 22:27

Eeep.YANBU.

Maybe it is the done thing in the States? For people who couldn't get there?

AwkwardMary · 03/03/2012 22:29

Oh! Are you serious?? Did you tell her to remove it???? It's wrong! Your Aunt has no privacy even in death!

Who'se going to comment on a picture like that?? it's so deeply private!

Sirzy · 03/03/2012 22:32

Most strange, without even going into the lack of respect for your aunt (unless she had stated in life she wanted it which I doubt) what about those people who don't want to see photos of dead bodies when having a quick browse on facebook.

stleger · 03/03/2012 22:34

I have an elderly neighbour who was a press photographer; he had a sideline in deceased in coffin photos, years ago. He thought it was odd at the start, but undertakers told him that emigrants who couldn't get home found it comforting. We are in Ireland, though, where occupied coffins are maybe less of a big deal.

Proudnscary · 03/03/2012 22:37

Words fail me

Facebook is the root of all evil and a vessel for over sharing, self indulgent and insensitive lunatics

messymammy · 03/03/2012 22:39

I'm a nurse, and lots of my long stay patients have had pictures of deceased relatives in coffins next to their bed. Am also in Ireland...hmm
Facebook is a whole other story though

TheSinglePringle · 03/03/2012 22:40

Oh god! I would have told them to tale it straight down.

PurpleRomanesco · 03/03/2012 22:40

I completely agree Proud. Nothing is sacred anymore. :(

YANBU

AwkwardMary · 03/03/2012 22:40

stleger it was very common in those days...not so now though. And it's not for sharing on FB!

Sirzy · 03/03/2012 22:41

If someone wants a photo for personal reasons then fine, but no need to put it in Facebook

tigermoll · 03/03/2012 22:47

Well,you may feel it was inappropriate (and FWIW, I think its a bit weird) but maybe we shouldn't be so squeamish. I'm assuming that your aunt's body looked peaceful and dignified, and viewing the deceased can be an important part of grieving. A dead body isn't a shameful or revolting thing.

messymammy · 03/03/2012 22:52

TigerMoll I'm happy enough to put lots of pictures of my life on Facebook,but definitely would not like a picture of me dead on there.
Who knows what the ops aunt would think? I think if a picture like that is wanted in electronic form it can be emailed to distant relatives, it hardly offer to be on Facebook so people have a narrative on what she's up to for the weekend.

messymammy · 03/03/2012 22:53

Needs not offer. Stupid phone

Sirzy · 03/03/2012 22:53

But tiger it is also something that somebody shouldn't be forced to see without wanting to which is what happens when on a site like Facebook.

NewShooz · 03/03/2012 22:53

Some of my family took photos of my Nans flowers at her funeral, which I thought was a bit odd at the time (not something I would personally want to look back on) but each to their own I suppose...
What do the rest of the family think about this photo being posted on Facebook?

tigermoll · 03/03/2012 22:57

But tiger it is also something that somebody shouldn't be forced to see without wanting to which is what happens when on a site like Facebook.

Well, yes, I agree with you, but that's also how I feel about people posting pics of sticky newborns on FB, which I'm not that keen on seeing. Although I'm personally not that bothered about the idea of people seeing my corpse, that is what happens with an open casket. What's the difference between seeing it on FB, and seeing it at the service?

I guess that's a pitfall of FB, - seeing things you might not choose to.

Original poster
banana87 · 03/03/2012 23:00

Not sure what the rest of the family think. I told my mom and she agrees with me but then said perhaps its because my cousin has been in iraq fighting for the past several years he wasn't really thinking about it? I'm a little apprehensive to tell him to take it off because I don't want to cause a drama. I do feel like reporting it to FB though.

OP posts:
Original poster
banana87 · 03/03/2012 23:02

I also wouldnt have looked had I been there in person. She looks weird and I'd rather remember her how she looked when she was alive Sad

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 03/03/2012 23:06

I do think it's a bit bizarre tbh.

NewShooz · 03/03/2012 23:07

I think that's the difference Banana, if you had been there in person you would have the choice whether to look or not. If somebody posts a photo on Facebook it's there on your live feed, like it or not.

I hope you can erase the photo from your mind and remember her how you want to.

tigermoll · 03/03/2012 23:07

I think it would be fair enough to contact your your relative and say how you feel. Would there be an option for him/her to make the photo more private? Maybe put it in a separate album, and mention that people can view it if they wish.

Ifoundagreypube · 03/03/2012 23:10

I think the open casket thing is normal in the US isn't it? I think this may be a cultural thing. One of my (Indian) friends on FB did the same thing.

GrahamTribe · 03/03/2012 23:13

IME the open casket is more usual in the US (and Canada too) but surely not on FB. It seems deeply dissrespectful to me.

Banana, I'm very sorry for your loss.

MurrayHewitt · 04/03/2012 04:37

photos of the casket/deceased are totally normal, at least in my Puerto Rican family. but Facebook can be offensive in so many different ways, so I think that sharing photos here is a little inappropriate.

kickassangel · 04/03/2012 04:50

In the US viewing the body is part of the final rites and a show of respect. To say 'ew' and look away, or to prevent people from visiting is highly disrespectful. Only people wishing to cause offense, or genuinely unable to attend, would not do it. So putting it on fb is helping distant family to be included. Not to do so would be like refusing to let you see pics of a wedding or a new born.

It is a different culture with different norms and should not be judged just because we have different views.