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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have expected DC4 to 'slot' in with us rather than the other way round!!!

31 replies

BigMommaOf4 · 03/03/2012 20:04

I must have been crazy! When I found out we were having an unexpected DC4, I keep saying 'well the baby will have to slot in with us' and we will continue on as normal, another one won't make much difference'.

Well now our Lord and Master is 19 months old and I can't get anything bloody well done! The house has fallen to rack and ruin. The ironing pile is up to the ceiling and I absolutely knackered as he still does not sleep through consistently (other DCs not affected as he sleeps in our room). My day centres around taking him out as he will wait at the front door shouting 'shoos' if we are at home for more than an hour!

As much as I adore him, I feel I am just too old for this (40!) and am finding it harder work than when I had toddler twins! Anyone else find it harder with a big age gap (8 yrs +) and being older?

OP posts:

RuleBritannia · 03/03/2012 20:06

Have you ever heard the word 'No'.

Bumperlicious · 03/03/2012 20:07

I haven't had it nearly as difficult as you with just two, but dd2 certainly didn't 'slot in'! And so much for them being used to loud noises. Dd2 always was and at 18mo still is a v light sleeper!

mumatron · 03/03/2012 20:07

Not so much of an age gap (7 yrs) but dc3 has certainly turned our house upside down too.

She is 14 months and sounds very much like your ds. Except she shouts 'DOOR' and 'TA-RA' when she wants to go out.

I go to work just to get a bit of peace and quiet tbh

It's a good job she is bloody cute!

lazylula · 03/03/2012 20:12

I have been lucky as so far dd has just fitted into life with ds' 1&2. She is 10 months and is used to naps on the go or being woken from naps when she decides to sleep longer than expected and I have to pick one of the boys up from school or pre school. I would say ywnbu to have expected it but unfotunately life does not always work out how we would like, but I would say you need to start setting boundarirs and saying no!

parakeet · 03/03/2012 20:18

I do not have as many children as you but I promise you now I can give you one piece of advice that will free up several hours a week.

You won't like it, but do please just consider it.

Maybe try it out for a couple of weeks and see how it feels.

Stop ironing.

verytellytubby · 03/03/2012 20:20

What about saying no to him?

TessTosterone · 03/03/2012 20:22

Oh dear I am 26 weeks with dc4 and was hoping for it to slot in. Feel slightly nervous reading this. I too am older with bigger gaps.

Dustinthewind · 03/03/2012 20:23

Well, you are born knowing that you are the centre of the universe, and then you are slowly disillusioned over the next few decades,
Then when you are a grumpy old sod, you revert to your original opinion.
40 is a lot harder than 30, I recommend naps, outsourcing other jobs to children and partner where possible and time as the cure.

Dustinthewind · 03/03/2012 20:24

Oh, and I absolutely agree about ironing. That has to stop.

Hassled · 03/03/2012 20:25

I was in the same position with DC4. I thought it would be a piece of piss - had forgotten of course that he's his own person with his own (strong) opinions. He was a "challenging" toddler, you could say. But as he's got older, probably because of all those older siblings, he's the most empathetic and thoughtful child. He's a total delight. Those tearing my hair out days seem like a long time ago.

But yes, learn to say no. Don't be too swayed by the fact he's the final baby, the youngest etc. You need to set boundaries - if you don't want to go out, you don't go.

Debs75 · 03/03/2012 20:26

DC3 ius 9 years younger then dc2 and I thought she would just slot in and she did. She slept well, although hard to get to sleep on a night shge would nap during the day and could be moved if we needed to move her. She was very pleasant and happy, until.....
When she was almost 2 we had dc4 and she got jealous, plus dc4 is such a light sleeper she wakes up as soon as she moves, I have spent hours holding her on my lap as she sleeps, as soon as I move she is wide awake. DC3 is now 3and a half and is a proper madam, she shouts and screams she tantrums and I feel alot of it is down to the sudden arrival of dc4 and her feeling pushed out.

They have good days and play together lovely but sometimes I have to go to the loo just to get some peace from them.

It will get better though I hope and I am looking forward to them being at school and getting some peace at home.

And take parakeets advice. Stop Ironing, it can be left and dh or the other dc's will do their own if they want anything doing

GrahamTribe · 03/03/2012 20:26

I'm afraid that the yell of "Shoos!" by the front door would get a resounding "NO!" back from me too. Wouldn't you find that you had more time to do things if you stopped acceding to the demand?

ZuzuBailey · 03/03/2012 20:29

Have you tried putting him in with his older siblings at night?

You might find they won't wake up and a few nights of this might bring peace.

It worked with my DS - no-one else in the household bothered if he woke during the night so I thought why am I getting up when he doesn't really need anything? He slept through from then on and he was younger than yours is.

And during the day, as other posters have said, just say no.

G1nger · 03/03/2012 20:29

Do you have another room to put him in? He might sleep better on his own.

Also, I think maybe we get into bad habits and need to question them more... I know my son is only 5 months, so I don't have much experience, but I have been 'on the go' a lot to keep him happy from the start. I do need to remind myself occasionally to slow down- and not hit the pavements all the time. If you keep moving when he shouts 'shoos', he's going to keep shouting it, isn't he?

callmemrs · 03/03/2012 20:30

I agree with the advice about setting the rules and routines and saying no.

I think it was perhaps a little naive expecting him to fit in after such a big age gap because I suspect your other children have quite different routines and interests. You and your dh will have adapted to that too. Eg when our kids reached 10 years plus, dh and me were very used to staying up later, knowing we could have a long lie in next morning as the kids would lie in too or occupy themselves. I certainly couldn't have gone back to baby and toddler ways of life, I take my hat off to you, but I do think you need to learn to say no

BuckBuckMcFate · 03/03/2012 20:33

I have a 15 month old 4th dc. I don't understand why posters keep suggesting just say no. DC4 just shakes his head in agreement of no and then carries on doing exactly what he wants. I do remove/distract etc but just saying no doesn't magically work.

We have a 5 year age gap which is less of a shock than the 7 year gap we had between DC1 and DC2.

I did think that DC4 would just have to fit jn and he does to a certain extent. But he is the much loved baby brother of his older brothers and sister and they play with him all of the time and let him have his own way and boss them around because he is good fun and has them all helpless with laughter. So he is very spoilt in terms of attention and then thinksI'm going to be the same with him when they're all out at school, clubs etc.

Involve him in your chores BigMomma. They will take longer but you'll be teaching him good life skills from an early age.

I only iron when he's in bed. refuses to listen to the non-ironers on MN, I can spot the non-ironed and people are only bring polite when they say they can't believe you don't iron

insanityscratching · 03/03/2012 20:38

There's an eight year gap between number 4 and number 5 and whilst she did slot into our routines I have to confess to having indulged her far more than any of the other were (unexpected, unplanned and most definitely last) The house is definitely untidier, I'm far more tired but that's because I spend a lot of time just being her playmate when she's home we are forever creating stuff, baking stuff and doing things. I'd say try and enjoy every minute the time goes so fast and you never get it back.

BuckBuckMcFate · 03/03/2012 20:42

Also meant to say my house is still tidy, I have a routine that I follow each day so DC4 and me do bits throughout the day together and I'm an expert at speed cleaning when he has his nap.

Do your other DC pull their weight? That makes a big difference ime.

cluelessnchaos · 03/03/2012 20:43

Another with a hardwork dc4 here. And for those who are saying just say no I am the strictest parent my kids know, dc4 has made me stop ironing and I do many more trips to the park and play group than with the others. I do think though I have fewer friends with dc his age and he is pandered to by everyone else ( older children, family friends ) its a bit patronising to say to a mum of 4/multiples to just say no. I'm pretty sure op has been a mum long enough to have worked that one out

Original poster

BigMommaOf4 · 03/03/2012 22:47

Thanks for the replies. I know I should just say No and I have always been overly empathetic with my DCs so probably need to toughen up but I hate being at home all day too and there are so many toddler groups in my area. By school pick up time, the day has flown by and then it's non stop dealing with the other DCs so my usual standards have slipped considerably. Even when I was working full time, I got more done than I do now. I just feel that I need to be watching DC4 constantly. The older ones do help occasionally but need to be told over and over again so in the end I usually give up.

DC4 has an awful lot of attention from all of us so that really does'nt help. I did hope that this one would be the 1st of the 4 to be interested in actually playing with toys rather than tampering with anything that is not a toy and playing furniture athletics. I had a rosy image of him playing quietly on the floor while I did the housework.

I think I underestimated the the impact of having lots of DCs at very different stages of development!!

I really hate the fact that I am looking forward to him growing up quickly . I did not expect to feel like that but the memories of Sunday morning lie ins, uninterrupted nights sleep, shouting 'get your shoes on' then leaving the house straight away without stopping for nappy changes and fighting to get coat/shoes on, cooking dinner in leisurely peace (oh if only) are still pretty vivid and I am thoroughly looking forward to it again!

By then of course I shall feel sad that I will never again need to buy nappies (for my children anyway) and I shall hate it when DC4 starts changing from toddler to boy (I miss my older ones baby feet, they're so round and cute until they turn into bony, smelly things!). Thankfully I will be way too old to have anymore by then .

OP posts:

Sandalwood · 03/03/2012 23:03

I'm heeding this.
I'm expecting a surprise one at 40. 7 year age gap. And I've been saying how things 'll be different with this one re.slotting in etc.

breatheslowly · 03/03/2012 23:05

He sounds gorgeous. I want to wake my DD up now to see if she will say "Shoos". I can't imagine having 4 DC and I think one of the things that I would really struggle with would be my desire to give the 4th the same level of interaction, activities etc as the others had even though much more would be going on with having 3 others. We try to save "no" for when we absolutely need it and mean it. And we would want to do the same for subsequent children and keep "no" to a minimum, but it must get harder with more DC as if they are pulling in different directions then you have to say no to at least one of them. Also subsequent children can be a shock as they turn out not to be minatures of the ones that came before them. If your last ones were twins then did they have each other to play with and therefore demand less from you?

dandelionss · 03/03/2012 23:11

This sounds like me 6 years ago! DC4 was more work than the other 3 put together! Great contraceptive though!

callmemrs · 03/03/2012 23:15

I think the point raised above about your own friends and peers is pertinent. When we had our children, many, probably most of our friends were at the same stage. You get a lot of moral and practical support when you're able to do days out and drop in for tea etc with friends who are going through the same stuff. I imagine if you have a 'late baby' many of your friends are at the stage of getting their freedom back

So, I don't think it's necessarily that the later child is more difficult, it's more the case that YOU are at a different stage

FoxyRoxy · 03/03/2012 23:17

I've only got one dc of 11 and another on the way, I sympathise with being used to lie ins and not taking an hour to get out of the front door. I'm slightly scared!

Op is there a playgroup he can be left at once or twice a week so you can have a rest and catch up with chores?

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