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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

But hate my DP spending the day with his ex

24 replies

3teenhell · 03/03/2012 19:54

Hi

Background is been with DP for a year. He has custody of his Ds. The mum is a mess and not allowed to see him alone.
So every other wknd they all spend the day together.
I hate it, she has wanted him back since i met him. Trust him but not her.

Please feel free to give me a kick up the backside, think i'm just feeling sorry for myself sat at home waiting for him!!

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 03/03/2012 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sensuallettuce · 03/03/2012 19:56

I would hate this too but he is with you not her, you trust him and thats all that matters.

Have a glass of wine :)

Gigondas · 03/03/2012 19:57

Think of it as something good about your dp that he will do this for his son. I can see nothing in your post to make you think dp Doubts your relationship. She is his Ex but will always have a link cos of ds.

sensuallettuce · 03/03/2012 19:59

Oh yes, and continue to be wonderfully understanding about it and just think what a fab dad he will make to any babies you may have together :)

Original poster
3teenhell · 03/03/2012 20:00

Thanks, i don't worry about him really just don't like it.
He is upfront and if she texts him something odd he shows me, so hides nothing

Wine sounds good

OP posts:
michglas · 03/03/2012 20:01

Don't spend the day waiting for him to come home, go and be with your friends or find other things to keep you busy - go and have a life on those days.

Your DP is trying to be reasonable and ensure that his ex can still see her son.

Original poster
3teenhell · 03/03/2012 20:02

He's a fab stepdad to my 3, with four though i think thats enough!!!

He is a great dad and all done for his Ds sake

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 03/03/2012 20:02

not sure what you think should happen. do you want a stranger to supervise the child's contact with his/her mum? if you trust him then there is no issue.

TBH if any new partner of mine objected to me supervising my own children they could take a running jump. my children come first and a partner either trusts me or they dont.

sensuallettuce · 03/03/2012 20:03

Have a chill day then and feel smug at what a great guy you have and she has lost :)

DharmaBumpkin · 03/03/2012 20:03

I sometimes do this with my DH's ex.

If you trust your DP, try reframing it in your mind... It's not spending the day with his ex, as much as allowing her supervised access in order to protect his DS.

I'm sure he finds it as much of a strain as you do :)

lepetitchoufleur · 03/03/2012 20:04

I can totally understand the way you feel. Sadly it is something you will have to bear with as much grace as possible for the sake of the little lad as it sounds like your DP doesn't have a choice. But it sounds like you know that :) As you say, you trust him and he is with you, that's all that matters. Well done you for being strong so far! Is there anything you can do on these days to take your mind of it? Have a regular raucous day out with your mates? If I was in your situation the only way I could cope would be to keep as busy as poss with fun things! Don't sit alone and brood.

GrahamTribe · 03/03/2012 20:07

It can't be fun but it's just one of those things that you have to grin and bear. Your adult feelings need to be put aside for the benefit of the child and his relationship with his parents and for the good of your relationship with your partner too. Look on the positive side, there are loads of absent parents out there who don't bother with their children. It's a credit to your partner that he's making an effort for that not to be the case with his son.

StrandedBear, ime (having some friends who get on well enough with exes to have 'family days') managed well many of these types of arrangement work very well for the DC and don't give out mixed messages at all.

Original poster
3teenhell · 03/03/2012 20:07

The days ok busy with my own DC its now while i'm at home that gets to me. Am gonna curl up with a book or something i think to keep my mind busy

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 03/03/2012 20:07

Is there someone else who can chaperone the EX?

Original poster
3teenhell · 03/03/2012 20:09

I agree its very good for his DS and to be honest she only bothers sometimes anyway. Last year there were 4 months when she cancelled all the time. But she is his mum so we try to make sure he sees her

OP posts:
Original poster
3teenhell · 03/03/2012 20:10

DP does it cos she is very unstable, he would worry too much with anyone else doing it i think

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 03/03/2012 20:42

He is with you now - he is open about doing this, for his son, i really dont think you have anything to worry about, it must take a lot for him to spend time with this woman.

JustHecate · 03/03/2012 20:55

If you trust him then it doesn't matter if you don't trust her. She can do nothing. Nothing at all. She can stand in front of him stark naked and you have nothing to fear.

Deep breath. It's ok. It's not an ideal situation, of course it's not. I am sure everyone concerned would wish it wasn't required - but it is. It's what's needed to help that little boy spend time with his mum and that's what matters. You've said yourself that she is zero threat to you. When you said that you trust your partner - that's what you said. She's no threat. You trust him.

squeakytoy · 03/03/2012 20:57

How old is the child? Can a grandparent not chaperone?

Original poster
3teenhell · 03/03/2012 21:04

Thanks justhecate you are right, am feeling better now you have all talked some sense into me!!

Its not ideal but its how it is.

Squeaky sadly no grandparents on DP side and her mum is wirse than her and not allowed any contact at all. So left to us.

OP posts:
samandi · 04/03/2012 14:17

YABU. Presumably you knew the arrangement when you were getting serious. If you don't like it, then leave.

samandi · 04/03/2012 14:18

Why are you "waiting for him" anyway? For god's sakes get a hobby or something.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 04/03/2012 15:27

What do you think she's going to do? knock your DP on the head with her handbag and drag him back to her boudoir by the hair? Go out and do something and enjoy a day to yourself. And don't moan and winge to your DP about it or he'll think he's taken up with a right harridan, don't forget he will always put his child first or should if he's any kind of a decent father and if he perceives you as coming between them, you'll be the one who goes.

DoMeDon · 04/03/2012 15:31

YABU - I think it shows something lacking in your own self worth if it makes you feel something negative

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