About Dh - think I prob am.

[QuestionTime]

Just a bit of context. I'm 26 and last month my mum, who I wa incredibly close to, died after a 6 month fight against brain cancer.
My dh has been immensely supportive on the practical side, but not so great on the emotional one. He's not great with me crying- tends to go cold and a bit stand off ish, resenting the amount of time I'm spending with my dad (he's 80 and blind)
Anyway - I know he's being a bit of a knob about that! But the thing I keep thinking about for some reason is really small, but for some odd reason I keep dwelling on it. So was wondering if im bu?
Basically on the day she died after about 3 hours we came home. Obviously I was in pieces. I could see him tapping on his phone and asked him what he was doing. He said nothing. Anyway about 30 mins later he started to show me all these messages that were coming though by text "so sorry to hear that" etc etc
He had basically sent a group text out to most of his phone book saying she had died. Some of these people were barely acquaintances who we haven't seen for about 3 years.
I hadn't even had time to tell my best friends or some of the family yet. It had only been about 2 hours.
So not really sure why this is getting to me so much. I think grief is quite a private thing though if that makes sense
So aibu? Thanks

Yes he is being an incredible knob being off about the amount of time you spend with your blind elderly dad!

Sometimes when i am generally pissed off at someone i find myself focusing on one thing they have done even if its not the worst thing, if you see what i mean.

You are/have been deeply upset by a huge life loss. Sounds as if your dh wanted to help, but didn't know what to do.

When he does nothing, you feel upset and let down. When he does something (send the email/text), you feel upset too. IMO, he was trying to be helpful and find a way to comfort you (messages from friends), but went about it the wrong way. It was an honest attempt to help.

Perhaps you could let him know what he could do to be more supportive and helpful? IME, some people need something practical to do if they feel ill equipped to help on the emotional side of things.

agree he is wrong to be upset when you spend time with your dad.

He was an insensitve knob It wasnt his place to tell his phone book especially as you wanted to tell some closer people to you , and your dad is elderly he needs you your husband must know that or you need to tell him , Im sorry for your loss ((hugs))

He is a man. He was looking for something to do at a difficult time when he probably felt inadequate about being unable to console you properly.

YANBU but don't let this get out of proportion.

Poor you.

i think he sounds weird

sorry you lost your mum

My DP just cannot cope when i cry and i did an awful lot of that when my dad died, althouh never really about that, which of course it was.

As for the texting, whilst i think it was a bit insensitive, i can sort of see why he did it, especially to the acquaintances. One of the things i found so difficult when my dad died was having to tell people, then bumping into acquaintances weeks later and them asking after my dad

He is however, being a knobend over you spending time with your dad and you need to tell him so!

YANBU. I would've had strong words with DP had he done this when my dad died last year. I completely understand your feeling about grief being private. I didn't publicise it at all, refused to put it on Facebook and came up against resistance with that.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

he dealt with it in a way you find inappropriate and, while i can see why, i don't think it's u of him. equally it's not u of you to be upset.

i would focus on the main issue about your dad. your dh should be supportive and maybe he needs a child like break down of why. he may just not get it.

so sorry for your loss. i was devastated when i lost my mum, i was 21. very few people responded in a way that i found helpful. grief means different things to everyone [hugs]

I think he was looking for some attention, tbh. Those messages should have come to you, not to him. He couldn't be bothered showing he cared for you or your poor mum, he is incredibly selfish about your poor dad, but sits there revelling in all of the sympathy coming his way.

He sounds vile.

So sorry you lost your mum, QT. I lost my own mum a year ago. It's still acutely painful, although not quite so overwhelming as it was.

Re your DH's texting everyone, I can completely understand why you were and are distressed by that, it does seem extremely insensitive. But, as others have said, I would guess that it was a clumsy attempt to help, to do something.

Grief causes such a maelstrom of different emotions to whirl around IME, that sometimes they get focused on something that they're not really about. Does that make any sense?

If you can bring yourself to, tell your DH how he can better support you and make you feel that he's there for you. I should follow my own advice there!

Wishing you courage.
x

So sorry for your loss x

I completely understand your frustration with your DH, but I agree with PPs in that some people (I think it can be true of women as well as men) don't cope well with emotionally difficult times and have to Do Something to 'help'.

Doesn't make it any easier, I know - I too am married to one of these but I've stopped asking him to support me emotionally as awkward and ineffectual patting on the back just seems to make it worse somehow.

Do you have any friends who might be able to offer you the emotional support that you need right now?

I'm very sorry about your mum. I hope you and your Dad are coping OK.

Just to put another perspective across: it is very possible that your DH is also affected by your mum's death, and I don't think it's unreasonable of him to have texted people in his phone book to let them know what had happened. I understand that you feel that it's "your" news to share as and when you feel ready but, to be honest, he is entitled to tell his own acquaintances about what's happened. I think you feel that there was something a bit sensationalist about his behaviour though - is that it? I can understand you feeling this way - only you can truly know whether this was his intention or not.

I have been in a similar situation to you, sadly - my dad died very suddenly when I was 32 (my first DC was 7 months old at the time) and then my mum died after a 4-month cancer whirlwind 3 years later when my 2nd DC was 1yo .... my DH was badly affected by both deaths but he obviously didn't want to cry and howl and "upstage" my grief. Just wondering if something similar could be going on here.

I do think that your DH is being unreasonable about you spending time with your dad, and this is something that does need to be spelled out to him very clearly.

Make sure you get some time for yourself too. I know you want to support your dad, but you have lost your mum and you need time to come to terms with this without your own feelings being suppressed in order to support someone else (been there, suffered, had counselling as a result).

So sorry again OP. You may want to post in the Bereavement section on MN in due course - there is lots of help and support in there.

Oh my sympathies-it´s still so raw for you.

My husbands not that brilliant with the emotions-but even he knew that when I broke down I just needed a cuddle.

It was pre FB/texting so he phoned a couple of people for me & they passed it on.

Big hugs to you.

YANBU I'm sorry for your loss. The fact he is a man does not excuse his behaviour grovel.

Nope sorry don't buy the 'he is a man' line. No way would my DH do the phone book thing.

YANBU QuestionTime. You have suffered a big loss, and tbh stuff thinking 'ah poor DP, he's only trying to help and doesn't know how'. You have enough to deal with emotionally. If you can, I would TELL him what you need. Whether practical things or a hug every night, whatever.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments