To be absolutely fuming that he let his ex rummage through my stuff??

[OffMilk]

Im due to move in with my partner over the easter hols. In preparation I've started moving a few non-essentials over there, such as my "art stuff" and a collection of art work I have done over the years, mainly when I was a teenager. We put it all in a cupboard in his kitchen.
I was over there yesterday and DPs son was there and he started off by saying he loved some of the comic stuff I drew when I was younger. I thanked him and said he was free to use any of my art stuff as I rarely get the time anymore. He then said "oh, you should have heard my mother on wednesday, she came over and she was critising everything you'd done, she's like that sometimes, it annoys me". So I was like "how did she see my stuff? it's all away in the cupboard" so he said "oh dad had mentioned that you'd brought some stuff and she asked to look at it and then just spent ages going through your drawings and saying how unprofessional they were". So I was already angry at this point, not because of what she'd said (of course they were unprofessional, I was 16!) but at the fact that DP had let her rummage through my personal things.

So I got DP alone and asked what had happened and he put on an un-genuine disproved face and said "oh yeah she was going through all your art stuff and criticising it". I said "well why the hell did you allow her to do that?? and didn't you defend me in anyway or were you ok with her slagging me off to you like that" and he looked uncomfortable and said "well I didn't think it was worth an argument".

I now have visions of the two of them sat there criticising my stuff together with poor DSS looking on disapprovingly.

Am I over-reacting?? can't believe he let her go through my private stuff!

So you would have an arguement with your Ex in front of your DC?

Clever lad that son. Butters you up, then slaps you down.

I would be having more than a talk about boundaries. I'd be having a talk as to just how ex this ex is.

I'd alsobe wondering why I wanted to be with such a drip as a bloke who doesn't stand up for his partner when she is being attacked in his prsence by presumably someone he no longer gives a fuck about.

You also need to not lay too much of the blame here on the woman. It's him you need to focus your (justifiable) rage on.

YANBU, The DSS acted with a lot more integrity than the adults.

letseat i don't think it's odd, i also have a lot of art stuff and move it around with me. My portfolio includes A'level stuff to degree to present day. However, i would not want my early stuff compared to later more developed work.

A bit of an aside - i always feel sorry for artists when someone digs up 'early' work and everyone says how shit it is! Of course it is ffs!! Cut them some slack. personal issue over, move along, nothing more to see here.

I think I'd be moving my stuff back to my place and telling him to have a think, and when he's ready, to come and have a chat about how he thinks his response to his ex needs to change if he's going to have a successful relationship with you. Or anyone.

As you move your stuff back out, you should smile and say, 'this is why it was worth the argument' :)

Seriously, if nothing else, how much of an absolute worm is he? He sits there like a nervous Labrador and lets his ex slag off the woman he's now chosen as his partner? What does he think his son will make of that? My mums. Bitch and my dad is a weak little worm? His son must have been embarassedby the display from both of them tbh.

And that's before we get to you. I would be utterly livid about this and see its the red flag it is. There is no WAY I would be prepared to move in with a man who would collude in such disrespect for me and to himself. There is no WAY I'd be the partner of a man who isn't prepared to stand up and defend his friends or partners. And there is no WAY I would want to get involved with a bloke who has such a nasty dysfunctional relationship with his ex and child.

'My mum's a bitch and my dad...' that was meant to say!

Phone posting in anger...!

It would be interesting to know how old the son is in this, because it sounds mightily like a bit of shit stirring to me..

DPs son was there and he started off by saying he loved some of the comic stuff I drew when I was younger. I thanked him and said he was free to use any of my art stuff as I rarely get the time anymore. He then said "oh, you should have heard my mother on wednesday, she came over and she was critising everything you'd done, she's like that sometimes, it annoys me"

You're overreacting - I thought you were going to say it was your personal bits in the bathroom, or clothes in a drawer - its not, it's stuff in the kitchen - not a personal area at all.

Did your think your DP realised you felt it was personal - a lot of people like it when others look at their art. Sounds like she was very rude, but that's not really the issue is it - it's that he let her look at it in the first place .

Not entirely sure why the ex is around the house in the first place, tbh, that seems strange

When you move in you will doubtless meet this ex in your new home. That will be the time to embarrass her by letting her know that you're fully aware of what she's done.

That's if you're willing to take the chance of living with a man who will meekly stand back and let a visitor go through his DPs belongings of course.

What Squeaky said

Saved me typing it

Looking through an artists work without their permission is akin to reading their journal. There is some deeply personal stuff in my portfolio and I would be very angry if someone had been prying.

ditto cutting

It's not the belongings so much as the slagging off!

It's just all kinds of bad. For a start, the kind of man I'd be proud to be with would have handled that TOTALLY differently. Ex could have been put very nicely in her place (and should have been!) by the DP smiling and saying 'Mmm you do seem bothered, be careful, you could so easily sound just a bit petty and jealous there, you know?' I'd want to be with an assured, no-nonsense, quick witted bloke who would respond like that. Or at least one who would say, 'Stop being a cow, X- you're doing nothing but making yourself look spiteful.'

I'd HATE to think that a partner of mine would sit and listen to me bring slagged off and do and say NOTHING. Especially to an ex, because there's an undercurrent of 'Do I still get the loyalty here? Let's test that.' He 'sided' with his ex.

Finally, this is a massive red flag re the kind of step parenting role you will be taking on here and how their co parenting set up is going to affect OP. in a nutshell, he's scared of crossing or upsetting her. Which means that when it comes to parenting issues, he and by extension OP are going to be dancing to her (by the sound of it possibly quite difficult and bitchy) tune. That is one massive, feed-the-family Recipe For Disaster, and if I were OP I'd be slamming the brakes on right now and having some Big Talks.

The ex was criticising the work, not the person. The boyfriend shouldnt have shown it to her really either. The son had absolutely no need to stir it up by mentioning it also.

YANBU at all

He should have

1. respected your privacy instead of giving into his mother
2. stood up for you when his mother criticised your work
3. told you before you had to accidentally find out and 4) been apologetic not defensive when you found out.

"It's not the belongings so much as the slagging off!"

I disagree with this. It's very much about the belongings. As I said upthread, an artist's portfolio is a very private thing, just as is a journal ..or love letters if you like.

Having one's work slagged off by ignorant, visually uneducated people is something that all artists have to learn to deal with and the comments of a jealous ex would not concern me one iota. The real issue is that this woman was allowed to pry into an intensely private thing by the very person who should have been protecting that privacy. What the hell is this man thinking of?

In the OP's place I would be seriously reassessing my relationship.

YANBU however in my experience the dynamic you describe is not that unusual. Living in a step family can be an emotional minefield ... are you ready for it?
The issue here lies with your DP not his son ot even his ex. He needs to learn to defend you in a positive and constructive way. If you can try and help him with that at the same time as getting some boundaries agreed.

I live with my DP he has 2 daughters who are with us every other weekend one night a week and roughly 5 full weeks spread throughout the year. My DP has at times hugely disappointed me by not putting his ex in her place when she has been unkind about me in front of the children... I can't defend him for it but what I will say is that the children notice and are unsettled by both adults (they're 11 and 9).

Also I wish I'd put some boundaries in place from the start as (because of my behaviour at the start) I have little to no privacy and the girls use my stuff as if it's their own.

Good luck and only move in if you're 100% committed to sharing your life with his past!

Sorry I meant the ex, doh!

I've had a similar experience, but from the other side iyswim. Went round to my former marital home to collect some stuff and saw the OW wearing my clothes. They were for a specific sport and when tackled about it exH said she wanted to try my sport so he loaned her my gear for the day . Neither of them seemed to realise why that wouldn't be ok.

Omg @Carbos that is so overstepping the mark!

OP I think I'd feel the same way as you. It isn't just going through your stuff (she had no right to do that, surely there was no reason for her to go in to a cupboard in someone else's house?) but your DP allowing her to not only go through your things and let her indulge in a bitchfest. He should have shown more loyalty imo.

As for the DSS, I wonder if he was shit stirring, not to upset OP, but to get his dad into trouble for being a spineless fuckwit? It's the sort of thing I used to do tell tales on my dad to my stepmum tp get him into trouble when he had pissed me off. I was about 8 at the time.

sorry that should be carabos

I'd be blinking livid if I were you OP, he needs a lesson in priorities and boundaries. Grrrrr on your behalf!

op I would walk away NOW

I would be enraged.

Absolutely spitting with rage.

Wasn't worth an argument? Perhaps not but I'd like to know what he thinks is worth one, I'd not be moving in and would think seriously about whether to continue with him at all.