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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off at having to move again?

27 replies

Convert · 02/03/2012 16:32

Will try to keep this short!

My DH is a manager. We have moved so many bloody times, we moved 6 months ago with a 4 and 2 yr old and a week old baby. My eldest started school, my middle one nursery and both love it. My baby had a life saving op and things have been very stressful.
Now my DHs job is going very badly and it looks like we are going to have to move again. My DH is incredibly stressed and down about it and I'm trying to be supportive but I just feel sick thinking about the upheaval, moving schools etc.
I really need to be a supportive wife. I am a SAHM so I suppose it doesn't really matter where we are. I just feel like sobbing. I'm so happy here and so are the kids. I feel like I'm being a bit selfish worrying about packing and changing fucking doctors when my DH is falling to bits.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/03/2012 18:23

yes yabu, if he's the wage earner you follow the money
if you worked you'd have more say so and clout
but if you have him as sole earner,then that's the deal

ChickensHaveNoLips · 02/03/2012 18:33

YANBU to feel like that, imo. Moving is stressful and shit. Have your moment of 'Oh, FFS!'. Then try and look on the bright side, and start getting organised. You know that you have to follow the money.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/03/2012 18:34

Your happiness is important too. I feel for you.

scottishmummy · 02/03/2012 18:36

yes but op subjective happiness doesn't fill fridge,pay accommodation
and it's her op who's got the stress of a new job
it is upheaval,try get planning and think how reduce or minimize it's impact

scottishmummy · 02/03/2012 18:39

is your baby ok?important to get good liaison and follow up care in your new location.if you know new address google where the GP surgeries are,
look into schools and catchment
ofsted for good nurseries

highlandcoo · 02/03/2012 18:42

YANBU to feel a bit fed up. Moving house with three small children is a lot of work. However, it looks as if you have no choice really. So YWBU to take it out on your DH.

And it's much easier to make friends when you have little ones. It's an upheaval but they will soon settle and you'll all be fine :)

Original poster
Convert · 02/03/2012 19:23

Thank you all, think I just needed telling to get on with it! I have had my self indulgent wallow and am ready to get a grip!
Yes baby is fine now thanks, she had a cyst on her lung but since it has been removed she's fine and fully recovered.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/03/2012 19:33

ofsted find school or nursery report

find a GP or dentist

ask hv about baby groups and where mums meet

net mums is good for local meet ups

Original poster
Convert · 02/03/2012 19:43

Thanks scottish.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 02/03/2012 20:50

What's gone wrong with his job? Is it likely to keep happening?

Original poster
Convert · 03/03/2012 13:23

Well, it's lots of things really. Sorry, hate to be so vague but with the very slight chance that someone on here knows me in rl I've already given myself very much away! No, I don't think it will happen again.
The constant moving before isn't because things have gone wrong but just in the nature of the job. We have been together 7 years and in that time have had 7 moves!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 03/03/2012 13:29

Do you think he would consider changing jobs? Now that you have children it will be be very unsettling for them in the future.

Scottishmummy i don't agree that the op doesn't get to have as much say because she doesn't earn the money. The move should still be a family decision. Just because the job she has doesn't pay money doesn't mean her opinion should be dismissed.

callmemrs · 03/03/2012 13:38

I don't think it's about dismissing the ops opinion- its about practicalities. In the ops own words, her dh's life is 'falling to bits'- because of the stress of this particular job. What should he be expected to do? Stay put and have a breakdown or risk losing his job anyway because it's all gone wrong?! How would that help the family? They'd lose their home anyway without his wages!

Presumably if he could get an equivalent job earning what they need without moving, he'd do so. And I assume the whole family will look carefully at schools, houses etc. so it's not like the op is being excluded from the whole process.

But scottishmummy is absolutely right- if a family rely on one wage earner then they need to be where the work is. If you want more of a say in where to live, then you need to be working too. I don't see it as being some sort of power struggle- its simply practicalities .

LilacWaltz · 03/03/2012 13:45

Do you think he would consider changing jobs? Now that you have children it will be be very unsettling for them in the future.

I hate this attitude of children meaning everything has to change because if them!!! This job climate is so unsteady, as SM says, the fridge needs filling!!

Original poster
Convert · 03/03/2012 13:53

It's not that he's dictating to me that we have to move, callme is right, it is about practicalities.
Poopoo, it's not that my opinion is being dismissed and I don't feel like that, it's more than I know it has to happen and I'm just a bit pissed off about having to carry it through if you get what I mean.
Oh fuck it, he runs a pub so we also live in, hence the moving! It's not like we can stay here even if he does change jobs. It's also difficult because changing companies means we are given a few options to consider and we kind of have to pick one.
No, I don't want my kids to be uprooted so often and this was meant to be much more permanent now my son has started school but hasn't turned out well. So hopefully the next one will!
I just need to grit my teeth and get on with it!

OP posts:
callmemrs · 03/03/2012 14:05

That's the spirit.
I can completely understand how disappointed you must be. But running a pub is SUCH a massive workload, and if it's all gone wrong with this job, I can see how it would affect every area of your dh's life. It's not even as if he can grit his teeth and stick it for a year and at least leave the job behind him each night when he's living on the job.

Try to support each other and focus on the next job working out a lot better

PooPooInMyToes · 03/03/2012 14:11

Oh i see.

Lilac yes the job market is unsteady but that does not mean he wouldn't be able to get a new job. By tin sounds of it though their situation wouldn't be any better if he did. Im not going to bother arguing with you on your opinion of itwhether a persons life should change when they have children!

LilacWaltz · 03/03/2012 14:18

Children will survive the moving! How do you think forces families copeHmm

Dozer · 03/03/2012 14:21

Sorry your tiny newborn has had to have an operation OP, hope all's OK.

It is v hard that you have to move with such a tiny baby who hasn't been well. Could your DH not stick it out for a few weeks / months and look for something local (even if short-term). You might be able to get help with housing etc.

If you do move, what's to say that the next job isn't just as bad? It all sounds a bit precarious and like the industry is stressful.

If moves of this frequency are on the cards in the future and you're not happy (or don't want the DC to have to move frequently) maybe there're other options, eg for your DH to get a job in something related to what he currently does but more stable ( he will have transferrable skills), for you both to work.

Some people are never happy at work and would, given no opposition, move and move and move the whole family and still never be happy. Or find reasons to move again. And resign (and thus not be eligible for benefits) before having a job to go to. This can be selfish behaviour IMO.

Dozer · 03/03/2012 14:29

Lilac, some people don't want their DC to move frequently, that's their right to decide and reasonable, just as it's their business if people move around a lot for work.

Even in this climate there are different ways of earning money, there may be other / better options for the OP's family now or in the future.

(I was a forces child whose father left because the moves got too much for everyone. My DH was a forces child whose father stayed in. So I realise it can be a sore topic and that people can be insensitive).

Original poster
Convert · 03/03/2012 16:46

Thanks for all the help, it's really helpful just to have somewhere to come and vent and get different views to make me question how I'm looking at it.

My DH is great at his job and works so hard, him doing 70 hours is a good week. I feel we have sacrificed so much for his career it would be a waste to start on a different path now, when he is looking to progress fairly soon.Things are not right at the moment for countless reasons, lots of the managers from this company are moving to different ones for the same sorts of reasons. My DH feels like he is failing and is very down about it all, although it's not actually his doing. I am sending him to the doctors as I think the stress is really getting to him.

The frequency of the moving is slowing down, we were at the last place for over 2 years, I think the trick is finding somewhere we are happy to settle. This was supposed to be it and thats why I'm disappointed. However I will get over it and so will the kids, they are very content happy little things and as long as we are all together and DH is happier it doesn't really matter where we are.

Lilac I get your point but I think for forces kids it helps that they are surrounded by other kids that it's the norm for too, but my son's friends aren't in the same situation.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 03/03/2012 17:22

Poor you. Do you have a choice of where you go next? I've never really been in the dcsituation but would imagine its hard to make friends for you and the dc when you move so frequently.

Hopefully things will settle down soon.

Ps he does really long hours!

PooPooInMyToes · 03/03/2012 17:23

Excuse typos

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 03/03/2012 18:16

Wow, YANBU to be pissed off about moving for the second time in 6 months! I'm currently pissed off about moving for the third time in five years, which hardly compares Blush

Presumably if it's live in, at least you don't have to worry about selling your house and finding somewhere new? A pocket-sized plus point?

mockingjay · 03/03/2012 18:24

Oh I feel for you all Convert. I move about every 2 years and am sooooo sick of it. I am sure you know how to minimise impact by sorting out the logistics etc. But I know the sinking feeling you get when you're moving again, and you shouldn't feel bad about getting it.