Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Am I really being unreasonable? DP thinks I am

20 replies

LittleGreenFr0g · 02/03/2012 11:21

DP works full time, in retail, with one day off in the week. I work Part time over 3 days. We have 3 DC's who are 8, 6 and 4. We have a childminder who looks after the 4 year old and the other 2 after school for 2 of the days, and DP is meant to be at home the other day to care for our children while I work. His salary pays for all the bills, mortgage etc and mine pays for food, other groceries, childcare, clothes, kids stuff and the nice things in life. This just always been how we have worked it out. We could have a joint account but have never got round to it, but it has never been a problem. I always have to take time off to cover sickness and unexpected days off school etc.

Since just before Christmas I have got a better job within the same company with more responsibility whilst DP's company have had redundancies and it think they are expecting more of him. In that time, he has been asked to change his day off in the week 5 times. His DM has covered this 3 times (and she lives over 100 miles away, so not easy) and twice we have asked the CM to cover.

Anyway, he came home last night and said that he has to work on his day off again next week (this is the 3rd week in a row) and I need to take the day off. I cannot do this very easily as I have arranged 2 internal meetings plus a client meeting and feel I would be letting a lot of people down. He says my job is only part time, not important and doesn't pay the bills. True I guess but I still feel it is very short notice. If he had given me more notice I could do it. Anyway he has gone off in a huff this morning as I said I will not take the day off. We cannot ask his mum again, so will have to see if the CM can do it, which is another extra £50 a day which we can't really afford.

Am I really being as unreasonable as he says I am, or is he? Or are we both as bad as each other!! I will let a lot of people down, as there are different agencies involved and one of the meetings is realy important. Is my job less important than his. He says it so much, I am beginning to think that it is.

OP posts:

MrsBeakman · 02/03/2012 11:35

Of course you can't just take days off willy nilly because it suits him. Your job is an important as his. You will need to use the childminder and pay the £50.

Sarcalogos · 02/03/2012 11:35

If you haven't got joint finances your job is every bit as important as his.

See what the CM can do. (and ensure HE pays it out of his wages).

wordfactory · 02/03/2012 11:40

I dunno, whilst I would alsways say that everyone's jobs and lives are important in a family, common sense tells me you have to prioritise the work wihtout which the house could not function.

If your DH is worrying about redundancy, he may not feel able to put his foot down at work about changing days etc. Which adds extra pressure.

meravigliosa · 02/03/2012 11:40

Paid for childcare enables both of you to work, not just you, OP, so both parents should contribute towards paying for it.

rubyslippers · 02/03/2012 11:40

Ok so if your job isn't important then stop doing it

It is not fair that he drops this on you alone

It seems to happen a lot that the woman has to drop everything to cover sickness etc

Me and DH both WOHm full time so I know it is difficult but I refuse to be the one that always has to take days off

Pay your CM - maybe get a friend to do a favour that you can return?

More importantly, sit down with your DP and ask him why he is treating your job as insignificant?

trixie123 · 02/03/2012 11:41

oh dear, difficult situation to be in for all of you. I assume he can't give you more notice because thats not how his job works, so there's no sense going down that route. If your wages pay for food, surely thats "bills" and is pretty important? Would he like his kids to eat nothing and wear rags then? Is there a specific reaosn you can't ask his mum again just to get you through this one day and then use this as a prompt to a) set up a joint account so there is no more of this 'his money my money' stuff and b) have a serious convo with him about how you are going to deal with this in the future. Given that your youngest is 4 and will be starting school soon it is a temporary issue (though what do you do in the school hols?) I work part time in the same job as my DP who is full time. When DS or DD are ill or the CM is sick, we work out who has the less busy / crucial day and go from there. A meeting would trump many things, especially if it was someone coming from outside.

stealthsquiggle · 02/03/2012 11:46

"mine pays for food, other groceries, childcare, clothes, kids stuff and the nice things in life"

Sounds ro me like you (as a family) do need your job - and if it is him changing stuff, he needs to find the £50 for the CM. He may well be under pressure, but that does not excuse him denigrating your job, which contributes significantly to family life.

Original poster

LittleGreenFr0g · 02/03/2012 11:50

I am going to ask the CM later, and I'm sure that she will be able to do it. I just can't believe that he expects me to take the day off. If he had given me a couple of weeks notice, then I would have made sure that I didn't book stuff in, and then taken the day off to help him, as I know he is worried. We both agreed that I would work part time once we had DC's but have worked hard to get this job.

I think we both pay our fair share and even though we don't have a joint account, I do see all our money as joint. I don't mind paying the childminder out of my salary but its the extra cost that I can't afford.

OP posts:

wordfactory · 02/03/2012 11:50

Well if neither of you can run the household finances alone, then obviously both of your jobs are essential.

In those circumstances, you need to work out whose job is more flexible, more stable etc...

But to do this you need to both sit down and discuss this like grown adults. Neither of you gettinng defensive.

Relationships are team exercises, are you're not acting like a team. Separate finances are not a good thing here.

Original poster

LittleGreenFr0g · 02/03/2012 11:55

Trixie - I feel that we can't ask his mum because she lives a 2 hour drive away and also has her own part time job. I also don't want her to think that we only ever ask her to come to us to look after the kids. My parents also live over 2 hours away, and can't look after the kids as they look after my niece and nephew on that day. I know they would if they could. I agree, I think we need to sit down and discuss this as it is happening all too often now, and yes, life will become a bit easier in September :)

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleGreenFr0g · 02/03/2012 11:57

wordfactory - honestly, I think my job is the most stable and also the most flexible. My employers are pretty good but still, I can't let people down.

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 02/03/2012 11:58

I dont think its a case of B U each job is an important as the other you have to work this out . no you shouldnt be taking days of here and there , I think you may need to use your CM for the 3 days you are working and then nobody is being blamed ,

WilsonFrickett · 02/03/2012 12:01

September is a long way away, long enough for you to be seen as unreliable at work if you have to continue to take days off. I do sympathise with your DP, having been in a redundancy situation it's incredibly difficult and of course he doesn't want to be the one to say 'actually, no, I can't work that day'. And I suspect his worries about job security are leading him to be dismissive of your role.
But still - your job is important and it sounds like it contributes massively. You do need to sit down with him and discuss this properly - to me it's not that he asked, it's how he asked you.

The other thing is, if he did lose his job, the family would be depending on yours, wouldn't it? So he needs to see that it is of equal importance.

And by the way, my old p/t job - they already had their doubts about part-timers. There is no way I would have asked for a day off to cover my husband. YANBU.

Original poster

LittleGreenFr0g · 02/03/2012 12:06

WilsonFricket - I think you have hit the nail on thehead! My company don't like part timers doing the role I am doing and I want to prove them wrong. That it can be done. I have a lot to prove and don't want to be seen as the one taking days off all the time for childcare.

MrsJay - that may be the best idea.

OP posts:

SwimmingThroughSickLullabies · 02/03/2012 13:28

"Your job isn't as important because you're only part time"
Is he actually for real???
So if you didn't work then you wouldn't eat, dress the children and have the nice things in life!!
He needs to say that he can't change his days off.
And because you only work part time your childcare costs are less.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/03/2012 13:30

You need to suck it up and pay the CM!

Original poster

LittleGreenFr0g · 02/03/2012 13:35

He has just called to get the CM's number, as in his words " you are unwilling to do anything to help. In that he means take the day off. He also said that it would look really bad if he didn't go in. Err and it would look bad if i cancelled my appointments.

He just doesn't get it, and its making me more and more angry now :(

OP posts:

trixie123 · 02/03/2012 19:04

yes, really sound like a serious talk is long overdue. Speaks volumes that he doesn't already have the CM number in his phone. You need to find a time to talk when there isn't a pressing issue and its calm. Prep for the talk by having the figures that you each earn and spend on household stuff so you can "prove" that both of your incomes are necessary and therefore important. Rationality has to be the key here, keep it objective and factual. They are equally your children and you both contribute to the running of the house therefore childcare should not de facto fall to you. Best of luck

ilovesooty · 02/03/2012 19:26

you are unwilling to do anything to help

He really is a dickhead, isn't he? Of course you can't drop everything to take days off, letting people down from other agencies. The fact that your role is p/t has nothing to do with it. YANBU.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 02/03/2012 21:05

Go back full time, then see how he likes it. Knobber.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread