To feel fed up and awkward at being carelessly excluded?

[ViviPru]

We're very close friends with 2 other couples. We see each other socially all the time, go on holidays together and share all of our important occasions. Were all equally as close, they are brilliant friends and I love being in their company.

One of them called today - call him A. He was quite annoyed as he feels he and his DW have been put in a rather awkward position by the other couple. It transpires B&DW have booked a holiday villa for their annual overseas holiday. They have invited A&DW to join them. It is a 2 bed villa. A said it came out of the blue a bit, it wasn't in their plans to holiday in that location at that time of year and they just feel weird about the 4 of them all going away without us. They're undecided as to what to do.

DP and I don't feel especially aggrieved at not being invited over couple A. What does rankle though is the insensitivity of couple B for putting A in an awkward position, and creating a situation that could potentially cause a divide within the group. Im not suggesting they are obliged to invite us, we all go on trips away with people outside of this group of 6. We sometimes go away with couple A when B cant make it and vice versa. Couple A & B have been away together when we can't make it. All fine.

What I would never do though is wittingly create a situation that deliberately excluded either couple. It would just be massively awkward in the run-up and also afterwards when we're all so used to planning and getting excited about trips as a group. It's sometimes tricky on occasion when two of the six cant make it due to other plans, but I can't really imagine how extra weird it will be in these circs.

I know B won't have intended any malice, they are impulsive and just don't think things through. It will have occurred to them that the holiday villa they've booked has a spare room so why not invite another couple?

I know you'll all probably say this is playground and petty, but I really prize these rare, close friendships and it makes me feel unhappy to think they could ever be jeapodised. We're all getting together tomorrow and DP and I are just going to be cool about it and not make any fuss, there's no point, but it's made me feel rather fed up and a bit awkward. AIBU to feel that way?

They probably would, actually. They just don't have much of a grasp of how their actions affect group dynamics and peoples' feelings.

When the Overseas Wedding Gate? furore was reaching fever pitch, on one teensy weensy occasion I unbit my lip and made a snippy comment. While it didn't create a scene/cause tension, doing so made me furious with myself for losing control of my emotions. And it didn't make them realise they were being out of order, so what was the point? So I shall take your advice Coco and try and ignore.

You're obviously a popular couple and clearly have other friends to go away with - could be a little jealousy creeping in there, if they don't have many friends apart from your group of six?

But - on to important things. Hope work stuffs works out as well as possible.

To be honest I would be more annoyed at A in all this. I can understand him feeling awkward about being asked, but why tell you about it?

He should either accept the offer or say 'no, it wouldn't feel right if vivi is not invited as well.'

But to tell you about it seems pretty thoughtless. Surely he knows it would upset you so why would he want to do that?

Sorry to ask, but could we please have a link to OWG?

You might have to rethink your initial statement "we're all as close as each other". That may or may not have been true at some point, but there's been a major sea change for some reason, sorry

Overseas Wedding Gate

You know what? We've had the best day. These are all brilliant, brilliant friends. I count myself lucky to have such great friendships as an adult.

Vivi - I think the rub is in having friends that don't make the same effort that you do; you can start to wonder whether there is an equal investment in the friendship (or at least I do).

We have friends that are more and more...casual...about how often we catch up/do things. I used to get upset about always being the one to make the effort, but carried on doing it because I wanted to preserve the relationship. Then we bumped into this couple in the supermarket on NYE and they mentioned they had invited another couple round that evening. I did say to DH on the way home 'there was a time that we would have been invited', and then forgot about it.

A couple of days later, friend then complained that the couple didn't turn up!

I have resolved to myself that we just don't feature in their friendship circle as much as we did/thought we did.

It feels a bit sad not to invest energy in something because you don't feel it's reciprocated - but then I have plenty of other stuff to be getting on with.

Anyway - do you want to come on holiday with us? Not really looking forward to a week in Dorset with DH and 2 boys Would love a like minded MNer & family to join us

Oh & hope work is OK - I dropped a medium sized bollock last week, I HATE it when it happens on a Friday and it is in the back of your mind all weekend...

Thanks, that's an interesting take. Don't tempt me, I love Dorset. Lyme Regis in particular!

I'm just going to forget all about the holiday thing. I think it was just a genuine simple lack of thought than any indicator of something more deep seated. I think for the time being I'm just going to focus my energies on preserving the tattered shreds what's left of my career!

If couple B booked the house without even checking if A wanted to come, it doesn't sound as though A&B got together and planned something which suited them all. Perhaps B thought that the hol they'd chosen wouldn't really appeal to you

VivPru have just been reading the overseas wedding thread and am consumed with curiosity now about what actually happened on the day. Do tell!

As I said upthread, me and my DH have been in this position. We decided a few years back to step back a bit from the organising as it was being taken for granted. We then went through a period where we didn't see most of those friends as often - perhaps not surprising, in hindsight. Now, some of them pick up the slack more and we are again seeing them more often, while some others didn't. One we have not seen for over 3 years now after she didn't bother to get back to us about arrangements for a meet-up until the event had actually started. It varies quite a bit. Had we carried on being the Organisers to the same extent (we still do quite a bit of organising but have backed it down) who knows what'd've happened? But be prepared for a 'quiet period' if you decide to do this, and then you will, probably, see who steps up to the plate and who doesn't. You will probably have to accept that for some people, you will never see that much of them unless you do 90% of the work yourself.

I can't be arsed to srcutinise the wedding thread, although I remember it at the time you posted.

Anyway, you refer to the wedding couple as your best friends. I don't know (or care) if they are couple A or B but, on reading that, it sounds like you have the other couple ranked as first and second.

Why be so surprised that they've done the same?

That's not to say that I wouldn't be put out, were I in your shoes, but, you know, threes a crowd. Someone always gets left out...

Vivi I do wish you were my friend as you sound so fab on both threads. And I love the sound of the stuff you organise...I thought I was organised but I have never tied a bottle opener down.

And I would love to know how OWG turned out .

I can understand why this is annoying. but another time it might be you and couple B and A or excluded or some other combination. You say that you and B work hard to get the perfect equilibrium but maybe this is unobtainable. It sounds like you guys are all good friends and I don't think this should upset the overall balance in the long term.

abrake I described couple B as our best friends because both couples are equally, but in the context of the wedding thread, couple B were the main players.

Also, I didn't want to bore everyone with lengthy back story, but the DH of couple B (the holiday bookers!) has been my best friend for years and years before any partners came on the scene. I have a difficult relationship with my own brother, and DHB has no sisters so over the years we've developed a brilliant supportive, fun, brother/sister relationship. DHB and DHA are cousins, they grew up together and are also very close. I got to know DHA slightly later as he was away at uni, but we are really alike and are completely on the same wavelength all the time. Where threesomes (oo-er, not in that way!) can sometimes be problematic, we've never had those kinds of issues due to the familial nature and gender mix of the trio.

When partners came on the scene, this just served to further concrete the bonds, as it balanced out the group.

Working & Eighties, Ridiculously, OWG ended up being the Best Week of my Life?. It was the most fun, brilliant, life-affirming time and being there with my best friends was the icing on the cake. Our subtle prior-crafting of the wedding day itself turned out to be both required and well-recieved. had we not have, we would most definitely been wandering aimlessly around a baking hot city in uncomfortable shoes for hours on end.

Given the above, that's why I've been a bit sensitive about this latest holiday thing. After the Best Week of my Life, we all agreed that we'd all love to do another big overseas jaunt together. I should have got my finger out earlier and organised one!

Maybe they need to go on a trip without the benefit of your organisational skills, then, to fully appreciate the benefits... You have perhaps been too successful in the subtlety of this!

I think now is about the time to look for a fab holiday you and your DH can go on instead, which you can, of course, share your enthusiasm about with your friends. Are there any other couples or friends you know that you could go with?

That's an excellent idea, EightiesChick!