Returning to work

[mumofthreekids]

I have been a SAHM ever since DC1 was born 6 years ago. DC3 is due to start school this Sept, and I am starting to think about returning to work.

DH and I in the fortunate position that we don't need me to go back to work for financial reasons. Obviously it will be nice to have the extra money, but we are managing fine on his salary. The main reason is my sense of self-esteem, ie I don't see myself as a SAHM once my kids are in full-time education (no offence intended to those who choose this path).

My aim is to get a job that means I can still do the majority of childcare outside school hours. I realise it is likely to be difficult to find such a job, and I may have to compromise if it proves impossible, but that is my starting point.

Last night I was talking to DH about one particular company I've got my eye on. It sounds ideal because my skills are a good fit, and also I know from hearsay that they are very good about flexible working hours, working from home etc. However, I would need to go into the office and do a full day there sometimes (say once a week). I told DH that my parents would be happy to pick the kids up from school and look after them until either DH or I got home. However, the morning school run would be difficult for my parents to cover because they live an hour away so it would be hard for them to get to us early enough, and they are a bit funny about sleeping away from home. The school has a breakfast club but DC3 would be too young for it initially. Of course we could pay someone to do it but I'm guessing it might be hard to find someone for such a short / random amount of time.

I suggested to DH that (if I decide to apply to this company) he could talk to his boss about whether it would be OK for him to take the kids to school and then go to work, getting in at 10am rather than his usual time of 8.30am. DH was a bit about this. He says it's not the time in itself that's an issue (he works long hours btw) but the impression it would give at work about his priorities.

AIBU to be shocked by his response? DH has worked hard to support us for the last few years and I really appreciate having had the chance to be a SAHM. But this seems like such a small ask!

My husband wouldn't have done it, as it would have sent the wrong signal to the people who worked for him. Now they've flexible working it would be ok, but at the time they didn't, so he couldn't have anyway.

I would find a flexible childminder. There's quite a few about that have more children in the afternoons, so might have spaces in the morning.

What about the impression it would give at home about his priorities? Why on earth shouldn't be ask, he's had 3 children and probably never had to take a day of family care leave due to you being at home. Is he an "older" man by any chance?

Your DH might have an evolved attitude, but it doesn't mean his employers have. Unless he is generally untrustworthy, I think you should pay attention to this comment. He knows the ethos of his organisation, and presumably wants to continue being successful there.

Of course, you don't have to put up with that. He could risk the fallout in this post, or he could join you in job seeking in order to secure a more flexible job. What do you think will best suit your family priorities?

Depends on his company. I can totally see DH's point of view and if he is uncomfortable doing it, there seems no point in asking for what would be an occasional short term issue. Will breakfast club take DC3 from age 5? Assuming it's something like that, you could always delay job hunting until he is old enough for breakfast club. Or if it is really the odd day you might well find another parent who will take DC3 in.

I think it's better to go jobhunting on the basis that DH won't help out (unless one off emergency situations) rather than assuming something that won't happen.

YABU. Maybe changing from 8.30 start to 9 is reasonable, but 10am is half way through the working morning for lots of people, and sadly, it would probably would give the wrong impression at work, despite the moral rights and wrongs of that....

I think if you are serious about getting back into work, you also need to do what most other working parents do, and think about having a child minder for the mornings - you'll probably need to have one on stand by anyway for the next time your DC is ill; or off for a teacher training day, etc....

Plenty of guys in my workplace have childcare responsibilities and work flexibly to accommodate these. And judging by the number of dads who drop their kids off at dd's school before going on to work, it isn't at all uncommon.

I'm really surprised that so many people think yabu. Women will never have equality in the workplace if men are not willing to work flexibly.

But Honey it's not just men, most women I know would not be able to work 'flexibly' in reality. The government can implement as many 'guidelines' as it wants to 'encourage' flexible working, but until they become law, employers will continue to act as if they don't exist, and employees will feel unable to raise the issue.

Her DH hasn't said he won't, though. He has said it will go down badly in his current post (and as we do not know what it is, it's hard to know how reasonable the objections are). I made the assumption that his word can be trusted - that may if course not be true. But the options I suggested would over most possibilities.

I do trust DH to be honest rather than duck out of his family responsibilities. I guess my was more surprise than anything else - I had just assumed it wouldn't be a problem! Maybe because in my working days I worked for quite a flexible company? It's interesting to see that so many of you agree with him.

Here here Honey.
If employers do indeed act as if flexible working guidelines don't exist, they can be challenged. Nothing ever changes otherwise.
I think the OP is being very careful to not cause problems for her dh (and her poor parents, doing an hour's drive everyday!) and I think she has rights too, which her dh has enjoyed now for years.

I think that's a pretty poor reaction on your husband's part. What does he think happens in families where both parents work? There has to be some flexibility on both sides.

But Honey it's not just men, most women I know would not be able to work 'flexibly' in reality. The government can implement as many 'guidelines' as it wants to 'encourage' flexible working, but until they become law, employers will continue to act as if they don't exist, and employees will feel unable to raise the issue.

But he does have a statutory right to request flexible working, and his employers must give a good business reason if they want to refuse it.

If people won't ask, then they will never get, and employers will never change. Someone has to pave the way.

My DSis is a senior manager in an organisation that didn't previously do flexible working. When she first asked about it, her employer was a bit but she convinced then that it could work and they agreed to give it a go. Now, a number of other employees in that organisation have also been allowed to work flexibly. In my experience, employees are far more committed if they feel that there is give & take on both sides.

OP, your DH should at least ask. The worst that could happen is that they will say no.