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AIBU?

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Original poster

To BE PISSED OFF THAT MY STBXH'S GF PUT HER NAME AS REF IN CHILD MAINTENANCE

20 replies

steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:26

I'm probably over reacting but my STBXH pays money in to my bank account for child maintenance every month. This month instead of his name appearing in the paid in by colum it was his GF name / child maintenance. It was a standing order.I was raging bad enough knowing that he and she (he left me for her) are playing happy families with their new baby in their new big house down the road from me (all very quick he only left last feb and their baby is 2 months). When I asked him about it he said they have a joint account and he didn't know why her name appeared and not his. (for the last 6 months or so they have had a joint account, so why the change this month). Also pissed off as he wants to reduce the amount he pays for the kids by £100 P/M Officially but he will make it up to me and give me the same amount anyway ?? I feel she may be having a go at him because they have a baby now, It was my EX who came up with the original figure (this must have been when he new she was pregnant)
Am I justified in thinking she is stirring things or am I over reacting ??

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/02/2012 23:29

You're over reacting to her name being on it...that's just admin stuff.

The reduction in maintenance needs to be looked into though

I wouldn't necessarily trust him to make the rest of the payment up.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/02/2012 23:33

YABU to have a problem with whose name shows up on the payment. what makes you think that a) she did it and b) it was done on purpose?

YANBU to be pissed off that he wants your money to go down.i would object to that andhe shouldn't have had more children if it mean he couldn't afford his first. Unfortunately the CSA is bollocks, and they also seemto think that first children cost less when new ones come along.

TotemPole · 29/02/2012 23:34

he wants to reduce the amount he pays for the kids by £100 P/M Officially but he will make it up to me and give me the same amount anyway

Why? That doesn't make sense. Something dodgy maybe?

Original poster
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:35

Thanks, I don't trust him to make the money up and it's all going through lawyers at the moment. He has lied so much in the past year and everytime I believe him I'm let down. I just feel that she pulls his strings and he is so loved up that he can't see it. He thinks that butter wouldn't melt in her mouth but a few other things have happened (not major) and I think she has tried to stir things :(

OP posts:
TheUnsinkableTitanic · 29/02/2012 23:38

if it has suddenly changed, she has changed what it says

when i t/f money over to my brother i change what it says for a laugh

she is stirring

stay strong

Original poster
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:40

Totem, I think it's because he has been giving me more than the CSA says he has to legally. He is a very high earner and I work PT. I put my career on the back burner to allow him to get to the top of his game and I looked after our DC'S. The min he got to the top he moved on to her (also a high earner). I think she must be questioning why he gives more than he has to and he is such a coward and hates confrontation that he will go along with this and give me the balance "on the side" No way !! he thought it was a fair amount last year

OP posts:
TotemPole · 29/02/2012 23:43

Thinking about it, it's rather strange.

He wants to reduce the official amount. Changed the name so it could look like it's being paid by the GF rather than the ex

Why would someone try to hide official outgoings? If you're going to commit some sort of fraud or cook the books then maximising/inventing outgoings and minimising/hiding income would make more sense.

Original poster
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:43

Thanks unsinkable, I will stay strong, If she is stirring it she must feel insucre in their relationship. Maybe she is staring to realise that he is a compulsive lier :)

OP posts:
Original poster
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:45

Totem, youv'e got me thinking now, maybe there is more to it than meets the eye x

OP posts:
TotemPole · 29/02/2012 23:45

xposted with you steelchic.

I see.

Will the lawyers set an amount for maintenance?

workshy · 29/02/2012 23:48

my ex did this when he was applying for a mortgage so they couldn't see maintainance going from his account as a regular expense as it would reduce the amount he could borrow

is that a possibility?

Original poster
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:49

I've told my lawyer I don't want to accept any less than what he was paying. Its a long story but he cashed in saving etc to set up home with her so I know he is paying more than CSA would recomend but I feel he owes me and the DC'S. Also he is a Co Director so he gets big bonuses and pension contributions and I think he could get these hidden from me (not illegal or anything tax paid etc) x

OP posts:
Original poster
steelchic · 29/02/2012 23:51

Workshy, they already have a mortgage set up so I don't think it could be this. She is on Mat leave at the moment so I don't know if she is up to something re benifits ??

OP posts:
betty419419 · 01/03/2012 05:53

I might be wrong but if you went through csa you'd be entitled to a percentage of those bonuses depending on how many children you have together (15% for 1 child, 20% for 2, 25% for 3). That said they do reduce the amount they have to pay when the nrp lives with or has more children. But in my situ I can't trust my ex to commit to a private agreement so I do use csa x

fedupofnamechanging · 01/03/2012 07:46

I'd see my legal advisor quickly, just in case he is attempting to hide assets from you. I think you would have a claim for some of the savings he has cashed in to buy his house with gf and also a claim on his pension. Don't let him get away with just paying maintenance - go after his assets too. They are products of the marriage and not solely his.

carabos · 01/03/2012 08:52

My ex did this too. All cheques were written by her, signed by her. When we got to court they tried to hide a whole set of bank accounts in her name which were being fed from their joint account. But of a pathetic attempt really and my barrister did the paper trail on the train on her way to the hearing Grin.

The judge took a very dim view and told my ex that she would have no hesitation in putting him away for contempt. She kept him at court while sending the pregnant GF home to get all the bank statements. Then she threw the book at them financially.

I would be very suspicious if I were you. At the very least she's making a point and at worst it's a scam.

MissB75 · 01/03/2012 08:54

Sounds to me like he's under her thumb a bit........she wants him to reduce the payments and wants to control the money so she'll pay it. However he doesn't agree with it being reduced so will still pay you the extra without her knowing!
He pays more than the CSA think he should, no court will make him pay more and if you refer him back to them they won't take extra from him because you think you deserve it. In all likelihood they will reduce it further as they now have a child together.

StillSquiffy · 01/03/2012 09:02

Banks themselves can randomly do this. I had accounts in both married and maiden name at same branch and some numpty simply switched a button as to which account was the 'main' one, about a year after I got married. Turned all my statements and payments into my married name (but not the account names themselves, just the references)

niceguy2 · 01/03/2012 09:10

You are right to be cautious.

At the same time you need to be aware that if he's had another child then he's entitled to a reduction to what his official maintenance figure should be anyway.

So the points I'd be considering is this:

  1. If he's already paying you more than he needs to, you've nothing to gain and everything to lose by pursuing this via CSA. First thing to do is to work out if you had to go via the CSA, what is the amount they'd chase him for. There are calculator's on their website to help with this. In addition don't forget soon you will have to also pay the CSA/CMEC for their 'services'.

  2. The CSA are as effective as a chocolate teapot so there's a good chance you get £0 for months, if not years. What's the impact on your cashflow? Principles are great. Unfortunately they do not pay the electric bill nor do they put food on the table. Personally I opted for a lower payment from my ex which I knew she'd happily pay than the full whack which I'd be on tenderhooks for each month.

  3. If he's the sort like you suggested to avoid confrontation and hiding his money from his new GF then that could explain why he's suggested the cash amount. You'd be within your rights to refuse but what would you then do? He could refuse to pay the higher amount. You've no recourse. You could also make his life harder at home which may give you a bit of pleasure in the short term but longer term I suspect you'd be the ultimate loser.

  4. Can you trust him to pony up the £100 each month regularly for the next x years? How is he going to do this? Cash in envelope? If he's only got a joint account, how's he going to syphon the money out without his new partner realising?

Ultimately the decision is yours. From experience I have to say it's better to be flexible and if necessary take a lower amount which you know he can easily pay rather than going for the maximum and he tries to wriggle out of. Cashflow is king.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/03/2012 09:40

I think the maintenance is a separate issue to the disposal of marital assets.

You don't want to find yourself in a situation where he gets away with paying less maintenance and manages to keep all the pension rights/saving accrued during your marriage.

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