8 year old stealing and telling lies

[MamanSuzy]

I was called into school as my 8 year old had stolen money from a table (that was being used as part of the lesson). This isn't the first time and, despite punishments (no Horried Henry, Tracy Beaker or other 'naughty children' shows - no puddings - no sweets - threats of taking to the police station) she is repentant for a few days and then it is back to Klepto Land!

The fact that she is able to lie convincingly is another very worrying aspect.

Punishment this time is no TV, puddings or sweets for a week, and a cancelled birthday party. I'm pretty much at my wits end about this and would welcome some advice. I have distanced myself from her after school today (no bath together or our normal bedtime routine) in case it's an attention-seeking thing and she keeps asking if I still love her, which I tell her I do, but my disappointment in her is hard to hide, and this time I'm not sure that I should try to hide it, because nothing else seems to work.

Help!!

I'm not sure but please don't distance yourself, it will make her feel awful and also doesn't help break habits like this.

Have you asked her why she did/does it?

I hope this is just a phase! :( Puzzling isn't it? You seem to be carrying out your threats of punishment. Has your DD faced the person she has sto;en from, admitted, offered explanation and apologised?

Maybe a policeman could talk to her?

did you ask her why she does this? i agree with rhondajean - i would not distance myself - best thing is keep talking

Is there a reason that she might genuinely feel that she wants more attention? (new baby, family problems, issue with sibling ...)?

Agree that distancing yourself will more likely make her try something more outrageous.

Could be a reaction to having things taken from her. Just an idea. I would definately have a long conversation - in a loving caring way.

Ban HH and TB for a start. These shows are based on portraying dysfunctional children having a good time and getting away with all kinds of stuff. ds1 used to react badly after watching TB so it's banned in our house now.

Some children are naturally devious and will steal just for the sake of it - ds1 is like this - a punish and try to appeal to any sense of decency that's in there and watch him like a hawk. Stuff is locked away and I search his room whilst he's at school. He's recently started to behave a bit better now.

Try to remain loving and consistent and perhaps spend some one to one time with her - go swimming or for a long walk or something. Just something simple that you can both share. Be firm though, she won't be doing herself any favours if she continues like this.

Thank you for all your comments. I honestly don't know why she takes things - I sat down with her after school and asked why, but she said she didn't know. It could be she's forgotten, of course, because it happened yesterday. Her head teacher had trusted her to tell me, but she didn't. When I asked why, she said she didn't want us not to be friends. She is a bright, loving, confident little girl and we are very close. I know that she loves it when I praise her, which is why I find it hard to understand when she takes things that she knows will have the opposite effect. Her teachers are more concerned that she lied convincingly to them than the fact that she stole the money (she told them she had told me what happened and when they asked what I had said, she told them "oh dear, Sophie"!!).

I can't think of anything out of the ordinary happening that would make her take things. She has been doing this for a while now - certainly not all the time, but once every couple of months or so. I don't know if it is just that an opportunity presents itself that she can't resist, but I need to stop it before it gets any worse. I had thought of trying to arrange a police visit, but didn't know whether that would be a good idea or not. I'll definitely think some more about it. I have to go back into the school tomorrow, so I'll talk it over with them.

Thanks for your suggestions.

Blimey, you've just described me as a child OP.

Do you know why I did it...because the other children had so many nice things in their lunchboxes and the thrill of taking something that wasn't mine and not being discovered was just delightful. < < My 8 yo thought process.

The bigger picture. Massive upheaval in home life, big changes, involving moving from one end of the country to the other. Not fitting in at school, feeling like a disappointment, feeling not quite good enough, being the 'ugly' kid in class, not having the latest fashions.

For reasons I don't want to go into, most of the bigger picture was for the greater good (moving town for a parent to follow a career path) or an unavoidable necessity (no money = basic food and run-of-the-mill clothes).

Speak to your daughter, do not alienate her.

I would also think hard about taking so much stuff from her - mainly because, can you keep that up? You'll have to stick to it now as you've told her and don't want to appear weak, but in future if this continues, try and think of a 1 off punishment (for want of a better word), quality over quantity.

My school made me responsible for the savings club (sounds ridiculous doesn't it!) But in reality, it kept me busy during break times, gave me responsibility and taught me that I could be trusted.

Maybe the route to go with your DD is of a similar vein?

Thanks, Hiddenhome.

I agree about the programmes. I have banned them before for set periods, but the last time said any more bad behaviour would result in a permanent ban, so will see that one through now.

We do like doing things together and I'm just hopeful that this is a phase she will grow out of - quickly I hope!!

My first thought was that kids take things simply because they want them...does she get pocket money? Has she got the things others have such as Moshi Monsters cards etc?

Thanks BrianCox....

You're right that she does respond well to responsibility.

Reason for the many sanctions is that I have tried all of them before, with limited success, and just rattled them off until I hit the party idea - which did seem to do the trick! I hate having to see them through cos it makes me feel so sad as well, but I know I have to once I've said it.

Maman...does she have pocket money and have their been any upsets or changes in her life lately?

if she is seeking your attention, don't withdraw your attention. give her more of it.

she's only seeking what she needs, so if you take that away you're only going to end up with a child who thinks her needs aren't important to her mother... which is recipe for more acting out, and destroyed self esteem.

Don't distance yourself; love is always more helpful. Unconditional and total love with the assurance that you will always love her whatever happens but you want to be able to LIKE her as well. Is there something upsetting her that you don't know about? Does she have fears you are unaware of?

Can you work with the school to support her and possible seek a referral to CAMHs for her where she can work through it with professional paediatric counsellors. CAMHs is the child and adolescent mental health service.

I would second the withdrawal from the naughty children programmes too. Tracy B and HH are fine in small doses for grounded children, probably not so for children who may, for one reason or another, be feeling a bit vulnerable.

I remember at 8 or 9 faking a ferocious temper, just like George in the Famous Five - it didn't get me very far - and it wasn't until I was grown up that I could look back on it and reflect on what an unfortunate phase it had been. If it's any consolation, by the time I was 11 and at a new school it was well behind me and very long forgotten. At the time though I was being bullied and felt very small and inadequate although was always regarded as confident and clever.

I can't see that you are doing anything wrong. Keep talking to you little girl and being very close to her. I think,as others have said, keep a close watch on TV programs.

Am wondering if this lying is a phase at this age so watching his post with interest. My DD also 8 has recently started lying about various things (although no stealing)! When i ask if shes telling the truth she gets in a huge strop making me doubt myself and feel bad for accusing her when I know she's lying. I've also banned TB etc. as I don't thinks she needs the example of stroppy kids who are much older than her giving lessons on how to trick grown ups and friends.

Sounds like you are doing all you can so lets hope it's another phase and just need to love her through it.

Thanks Awkward Mary. She does get money each week from her grandad and doesn't really need for any toys, etc, so I don't think she is doing it because she wants what others have. We had some family bereavements a year ago, which has resulted in me having to spend more time looking after my dad on Sunday visits and nightly telephone calls (he doesn't live near us). I know that has had an impact on her, but we always spend Saturdays doing things together and have our nightly bath and bedtime routine, which we both enjoy. Perhaps this has affected her more than I thought and CAMHs is worth considering.

Talking it through this evening has helped. Many thanks all.

Thanks shebird. At least our children have good imaginations. I can't remember having a lying stage when I was a child - though I'm sure that's just selective memory!

Hi,

I can remember doing someting similar at that age too - can't pinpoint a particular reason, but I definitely felt akward at school at the time which had an impact. If pushed, I would say it was a call for attention, so I would definitely agree with increasing the positive attention and time together, rather than decreasing it - especially as she's asking if you're still friends.
Maybe asking yourself if these incidents mean you spend more or less time with her overall might help?
Really tough one, and not in any way condoning her behaviour (and I turned out fine!) but lots of love and hugs go a very long way when you're only 8 :0)

I took a few bits too at that age.
I did it a bit out of boredom - kicking around at school once I found some books (blank exercise ones) and never could resist nice new stationary. Figured I'd use them to write in which was a bit like school, so I helped myself.
Folks found out and were disappointed, but that bit didn't occur to me at the time. Really, I couldn't explain why then, and I can't now. But I do know that it didn't seem a huge deal to me - can't explain why as I certainly knew it was wrong. I was almost thrilled by being a 'bad girl' in a very Enid Blyton way - I could be quite priggish about bad behaviour when I was reading about it, and thought that every naughty school girl deserved what she got (Malory Towers anyone?!) but never made the jump into real life somehow - for some reason that stuff seemed worse in books than if I actually did it. Odd. I did it a handful of times, if that. I don't remember being punished especially, and I have no idea what stopped it but I kind of think it was almost something I read about that I had a go at, found it wasn't that great and stopped. So I'm no help, other than to say that I'm not a kleptomaniac now so it doesn't indicate long-term moral decline!

My dd was fairly complex at that age,she is now 10 and much better,hers stemmed from my h leaving when she was very little and being crap with contact and me getting re married some yrs later after she'd had me to herself. She told ridiculous lies like i was pregnant or she had a sister which she didnt at the time,she also bought home "tokens" from school and did take a few thing from other childrens drawers eg hair clips,lip balms. I made her take them back every time and give them to the owners,i didnt cover for her lies but made sure she heard me tell the truth. It has taken years of lots of love,reassurance and clear boundaries but it has stopped now.Children sometimes stael cos they feel thy are owed something more than they are getting,this can be about attention or praise or affection. My advice would be lots of positive interaction and reassurance of your love for her regardless of her behaviour whilst also carrying on with the consequences for poor behaviour.Also allow her to earn some pocket money to save for things she wants. I also found having a pet helped dd enormously,she got a little hamster and he was her special friend to talk to after school.

I have been watching my almost 8 year old DD and she appears to be going through some of the things I went through at 11! Lisening to the posts on here makes me think we are not alone.

I think they are growing up a lot faster...despite my efforts not to let that happen!

The only good thing about that is that they may leve out faster....I only chilled out at about 16...my DD may do that at 12 if I am lucky!

I wouldn't think about CAHMS. I would lavish her wwith attention. I got in bother aat 14 an my parents response was to see that I was unhappy and lonely. I wanted more love.

I'm in the exact same position my 7yr old ds is stealing sweets left right and center!! He has been called into the school few times before they broke up not listening in class disrespecting the teacher AND headteacher, lying making things up. Then at home hes stealing my money only 20ps or whatever he can see lying round he takes and been stealing all the sweets from the drawers even though he's been given sweets/biscuits it's like irs not enough he wants more. Recently found out he went into my handbag and stole some chewing gum and packet of tic tacs right from bottom of my handbag god knows what else he's taken! Don't know what to do anymore I've taken away electronics and grounded him and told him he's missing out on a paid event this weekend but past that don't know how to tackle the issue as its been going on a long time now just getting worse. No big life changes at home he doesn't get pocket money given it goes to his bank and if he ever wants stuff he usually gets treats and trips and days out regularly not sure where to go from here