Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take neighbour's children to school everyday.

29 replies

3duracellbunnies · 29/02/2012 11:34

She is doing training course, he works away a lot. Aged grandparent helps with childcare but not up to doing school run twice a day. They are fairly spirited boys and don't always listen. With parents they run on 3-5 mins ahead, I don't let them. I have dd1 in yr2, dd2 yrR and ds(2) who has just started to want to walk some of the way. We do walking bus 2x week, so can only take them those days if they sign up too and parent walks on bus once a week. Am I selfish to say that they should go on walking bus everyday even if we still only do twice a week? No money or reciprocal childcare offered. My girls prefer not to share me and is nice time to catch up with them.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 29/02/2012 11:37

YANBU.
Just say no, that taking all five of them is to difficult for you and that she should find alternative arrangements

Scholes34 · 29/02/2012 12:21

Local childminders will offer a school run service.

IloveJudgeJudy · 29/02/2012 18:16

YANBU. It is easy for these kind of arrangements to move on from being a favour that you are doing for someone to becoming their right. What if your DC are ill? I have done this for a very good friend, twice a week, but that was with reciprocal childcare (actually in our circle - there are about 6 of us who do favours for each other and it has always worked very well). I would not be happy with your arrangement. There are many ways it could go wrong!

gettingeasier · 29/02/2012 18:28

Seen a few threads like this and cant get over the cheek of some people , say no and mean it !!!

OlympicEater · 29/02/2012 18:33

Just say no. You have enough on your hands as it is.

I have a reciprocal arrangement, but it is exactly that reciprocal

AThingInYourLife · 29/02/2012 18:33

They really expect you to be responsible for getting their children to school and back every day?

Even though you are already bringing your own pair and a walking toddler?

They have a cheek asking for this.

malovitt · 29/02/2012 18:36

How long is her training course?

TotemPole · 29/02/2012 18:37

YANBU, to say you can't do it. It's a lot to deal with on top of your own 3.

The walking bus would be better for them. Presumably if one parent or child is ill people would swap days and everyone else's children still get to school.

upahill · 29/02/2012 18:38

YANBU If you don't want to do it that is fine.
What I have got a problem with on these type of threads is with people saying they have a cheek asking and the like.

I always think where is the love. Not in a wishy washy way but if you are in a position to help someone out, well why not.
In this case you have stated your reasons and to be honest I wouldn't be keen but the stock answer always seems to be cheeky buggers without suggesting some sort of compromise.

I take the view help out where you can because one day you may be the person who needs help.

AThingInYourLife · 29/02/2012 20:03

"where is the love"

Indeed, where is the love in asking a woman with three young children to bring your children to and from school every day and offer NOTHING in return?

upahill · 29/02/2012 20:20

There's always neogation.
But on these threads there is always outrage that someone dared ask for help.

I've had help from my neighbours over the years and I will do what I can to help them. It doesn't have to be a like for like favour but if everyone does something to help someone else life is often easier all year round.

BESIDE which I said I would probably say no in this case. What I don't like is all the almost immediate shouts of Don't help in any circumstances type of posts.
If you had read my post that is what I said.

PiedWagtail · 29/02/2012 20:29

YANbu - 5 kids is too many - don't need to say any mroe! Their kids - their childcare to sort out. Be tough!

AThingInYourLife · 29/02/2012 20:33

Negotiations are things that happen when you are making a deal that both parties have an interest in. Not when one person is asking a favour of the other.

Nobody said don't help in any circumstances, they said these people had a cheek asking for helping under THESE circumstances.

Which they do.

Kindness works both ways and asking a Mum of 3 young children, including a toddler, to take your children to school and back EVERY DAY is a BIG ASK.

TBH I don't think I would ever ask that of someone with so much on their plate.

But even if I was really stuck (temporarily) and she was a friend, I would DEFINITELY offer to do night's babysitting per week/fortnight of school pickups.

OlympicEater · 29/02/2012 20:37

I think the personality of the children in question can also be an issue.

The OP has said they run ahead / don't listen. Now if a parent chooses to allow their own DC to do that then that is fine, but if someone else is responsible for them then it can be stressful for that parent.

Some of DDs friends are PITA and I am less likely to volunteer to help, whereas if it is a polite, biddable child who is no trouble, then it minimises the inconvenience to me, meaning I am delighted to help, as it is no inconvenience to me.

OlympicEater · 29/02/2012 20:38

Ooops over did it with teh inconvenience

Original poster
3duracellbunnies · 29/02/2012 20:38

It is only going to school as in the pm we do after school activities and my children are tired so we (whispers) drive. I only have normal car, so only room for 4 passengers. We generally do walk every morning, which is why it feels a bit mean, but it is nice to have some flexibility if it is stormy, one of them is ill, have an appointment etc to be able to drive. It is also annoying if I am having to justify to someone else why I can't take them one morning because I want to take the car. It is another year for her course, but then of course she will get a job....

I know what you mean upahill, and that is why I have taken them for a whole term before, as I felt people have helped me out when ds was a baby and dd1 was going to school and we didn't have a car, but when people helped me it wasn't everyday for foreseeable future.

I know they need help, the grandparent was walking them part way, then sending them through woods and up roads about half a mile further on their own (6 + 8yrs(!!!)); but the school has complained. I will say that I will help until the walking bus stuff is sorted out, and I will be able to take them to walking bus stop if we are on it, but after that I will try to be firm.

I don't mind occassionally, I feel it is nice to help others, but it just feels a bit much all the time, and mornings have been so much less stressful without them for a few months. Thanks for all your support folks!

OP posts:
fallenpetal · 29/02/2012 20:43

I think that many children is a lot to be responsible for! YANBU

Id say no to every day for sure, maybe do it once or twice a week. There are many other options, the walking bus, childminders,early morning clubs etc - the difference is you are free!!

I childmind for free, have done for years - during holidays, inset days. But in return i am never short of a free baby sitter. Help yes, if you are able, dont be taken for a mug/struggle if its too much!

Original poster
3duracellbunnies · 29/02/2012 20:49

Yes you are probably right Olympiceater, there are some of my dd friends who would probably be a positive bonus to our walk to school, skipping through the woods playing with ds etc, indeed the only way I usually get dd1 to have the energy to walk home sometimes is with a bright cheerful friend. The boys aren't nasty, they just are less disciplined (I realise that phrase may come back to haunt me when ds is a bit older so don't shoot me for it!). I can understand for them too it must be tough with both parents not around for them much, but I also need to manage my stress in the morning so I don't turn into 'shouty grumpy on only 5hrs sleep again mummy' for my LOs too.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 29/02/2012 20:57

Every schoolday for a YEAR?!

How could anyone ask that of a neighbour?

Never mind one with 3 children of their own to get to school!

DorisIsWaiting · 29/02/2012 21:17

I think I would just say no, you can not commit to the childcare she needs. She needs to be looking into wraparound childcare. Does the school not run a breakfast club?

I have 3 of similar ages and tbh I really wouldn't want any additional stress in the morning, particularly children who run off.

Guinnessisgoodforyou · 29/02/2012 21:31

Please put a stop to this before you are lumbered with this for the long term. You have three of your own to take to and from school. She is your next door neighbour and taking advantage. Nip it in the bud and stop it. She needs to sort out her own childcare. Not your problem.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 29/02/2012 21:56

Don't do it!

I looked after a friend's DC for one afternoon a week for a year (only had one at that stage, but got pregnant half way through and two toddlers and a preg I found a lot to handle). She never reciprocated, never thanked me and TBH I got royally pissed off with the arrangement and felt like a right mug. I am no longer friends with this woman, and her attitude during this YEAR that I gave her free babysitting is one of the reasons we are not friends any more. You will ruin your friendship if nothing is ever reciprocated!

skybluepearl · 29/02/2012 22:04

It is nice to help friends out but only if it fits in and doesn't take over. I think 5 kids is too many and I would say explain that it's too much for you.

LydiaWickham · 29/02/2012 22:08

You can just say no.

Asinine · 29/02/2012 22:16

I will gladly help people get their dcs to school when they have a temporary problem, but not on a regular basis over a long period of time. It's up to you to decide, but don't feel guilty either way, op.