My Mother......shall I have it out?

[spazza1]

My folks live an hour away, and my mum's only a young grandma (57), quite able to scoot around....which leads me on to my thread.....

DD3 is now 21wks, (DD1=5 and DD2=4), when DD3 was born my mother 'promised' and gushed that she'd visit on her own every week and stay over once a week, getting stuck in with all the girls and be more hands-on. OK so I've got a younger sister who's 17 (ahem!!) and a bit 'needy', and my brother and SIL are only a mile from the folks so their daughter is @ their house every friday, but I find it difficult get to my mother's house more than once a fortnight what with school etc. My point is, I am the epitemy of chilled, but it's slowly been nibbling away and now I'm hacked off..........it's all one way - no give and take, there's been no weekly 1-2-1 me-and-my-mum visits to give me a break. Instead my a couple of times my mother, father and sister decend on us en-masse, they say they'll come for the wkend to stay, then it changes to just the day, then just the afternoon and then when they do come it devastates our little cottage, they sit there expecting to be waited on hand and foot (granted my dad's fab with the girls) but MOST importantly my mother just doesn't seem interested in doesn't getting stuck in with DD1+DD2, which is my biggest bug bear. So I end up having to chivvy the folks as well as the kids to do stuff......(including helping hand with the dishes, we've no dishwasher and they invariably ALWAYS eat eat eat when they come)

My question is, shall I have it out? Ask why she prefers to go to zumba than get in her car and visit us in the sticks ? Or shall I shut up and accept that's just the way she is? Tks sazza

Leave it, you can't force her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to.

I feel for you but I'm inclined to say YABU. It's your choice to have children and your parents have no responsibility to help out with them, regardless of whether they help with other grandchildren or not. Although if they do its not fair.

I don't think YABU to want to see your family or to think it might be nice for your children to have a relationship with their grandparents, but YABU to expect anything from them, they don't owe you anything.

I can sympathise with you on the visits, they sound a nightmare TBH and if it were me I'd be making them as short as possible myself! It sounds like your parents have their own lives and your children aren't their first priority, a shame but not unusual or unreasonable and I'd bet you'd be moaning about them being interfering if they went the other way!

I think you're well within your rights to tell your parents they're welcome in your home but they need to respect it and you and you won't be waiting on them when they visit, but try not to feel hard done by in terms of how much 'visitation' you're getting; I (and I'm sure many others) wish DS's GP had their own stuff going on, then I wouldn't feel like a grandbaby-making-machine who is now invisible. The grass is always greener isn't it?!

Their your kids, therefore your problem. Maybe your Mum feels that you have an expectation that she is an unpaid helper who is expected to "give" you a break. I'd be avoiding you too TBH.

YANBU i think I'd feel the same if my mum was like that, I dont ever expect her to do anything for my DD however I love that fact that's she comes every week and sits and plays with my DD, reads her books, etc and I think it's great for children as it helps them in learning to build relationship with other members of the family.. Perhaps you should try having a little chat with her and let her know how it's making you feel. Xx

I can see how all the gushing 'I'm going to be such a big part of your lives, help so much, have them one night a week, etc' which has now translated into sweet FA would be irritating. The promise of someone else coming in once a week to entertain the two older children, and give you some much needed time with your youngest must have sounded great, and now nothing has transpired

HOWEVER, your mum doesn't have to help with your kids. You and your partner had three kids, you and your partner are the ones who have to look after them. Just because she is your mum doesn't mean she has to look after her grandchildren. Its interesting that you say your father is 'fab' with the children, and yet you don't seem to expect any 1-2-1s or individual time from him.

TBH, I would hate spending the weekend in a house with three small children in it, and would make any excuse to avoid it. The idea of having parents plus sister for a whole weekend sounds ghastly.

Maybe because you're so chilled out your mum just doesn't realise you're feeling so left out. She probably thinks of you as wonderfully independent compared to your ds and has just forgotten everyone needs a little attention sometimes. Plus time flies and she may not have noticed how much has gone by.
No need to 'have it out' just give her a call and say you're feeling like you'd really appreciate a visit from just her to spend some time alone to chat.

Quote: "It's all one way - no give and take, there's been no weekly 1-2-1 me-and-my-mum visits to give me a break."

What are you doing for your Mum then? As far as I can tell, you're just miffed with her for enjoying a life of her own instead of dropping everything to take a two-hour round trip so you can have a break?

I agree you're mum doesn't 'have' to help you with your girls but it's a shame she doesn't want to. My mother (although there were other issues) was exactly the same.

I felt the same way but I'm now so over it. I was spending too much time waiting for her to help/offer/show an interest, when really she was never going to. Be happy that your dad is good and ask them to bring things when they visit and give them jobs to do such as make tea etc

thanks all, seriously, good spectrum of replies [smiles] agreed I can't and don't expect anything more than she gets stuck in with them, it's important for all the GKs and her that they have some time, but then again my kids are my responsibility, and if that's how she is, then that's that, we'll just get on with it
and ignore any more misleading gushes besides it's her fault I moved away in the 1st place, prior to this mumsy existence, I used to have said mother and sister up to the age of 10 on my doorstep every wkend asking "where shall we go today"?!?!!! peace and love dudes!

Sorry I may sound harsh here but I feel YABU. I can see how frustrated you are that your Mother is not pulling her weight as she initially promised and I do not know why her attitude would have changed however life and people's feelings/circumstances do change. I feel you should gently talk about it with her as you are right not to let it fester and gnaw away at you. It would also frustrate me as I would eat my right arm to get a chance to have a break/enjoy my children with my mother's presence.

Sadly this is why I come to the YABU bit. My Mother was 54 and diagnosed with cancer. I have spent the last few years looking after her, Dad, a non interested sister, a toddler and a baby. I made the decision to have children with a wonderful husband however it is hard to do it all between the 2 of us and no other family nearby/or those that are are not interested/not well enough.

I'm afraid to say you have chosen to be a parent. It would be lovely to have your Mother's practical support but for whatever reason that is not working out to be the case.

My mother sadly died last year, I am now doing a lot of things for my Dad. I feel my role as a daughter to my parents has reversed and now I am taking on a lot of responsibility for my father as well as my children.

Life does not always pan out as expected or as we want but I say speak to your Mother so you have a closer relationship and understand each other's expectations and needs. She may well realise it would be best for her to get more involved or you may realise why she feels it's important for her to spend time doing other things.

But you have my empathy regards to feeling like you have the lack of support. Perhaps I shouldn't be saying YABU and just say YANBU and demand some help for myself? Ooops I've gone full circle, I don't know.

Sorry for waffling - first time poster and really don't want to offend. Just wanted to point out some mums to wee children sadly have other responsibilities and cannot feel entitled to Grandparents help. xx

Actually thinking about it, it is sad that your mother is actually here and able to see you children yet choses not too. YANBU oh dear, must get hang of this better....sorry!

Good luck chatting to your mother anyway xx

YABU for wanting to have it out with her for not doing what she said she would, despite her being annoying.

YANBU to tell your family you do not want them descending en masse and doing nothing though.

OP your nickname is offensive!!

Yes, what's with the nickname?

cordially changed, it was a mix of 1st and 2nd names not sure why it was offensive

I just came on to say please rethink your nickname - but I see others have done it already.

As far as your AIBU is concerned, I can see why you are frustrated that your mum has changed her mind. But an hour away is not all that convenient for her to keep popping round to look after you children. As someone reaching granny age myself, I tend to feel that having brought my own children up, I'm now entitled to a bit of zumba time if I fancy it, rather than doing unpaid childcare.

But if they are all descending on you at the weekend, and it is too much (which I can see it would be) then ask if they could do it less often, or give you more notice because you find it hard. Don't have an argument about it because the lines about what is and isn't acceptable visiting will get blurred and someone will end up getting hurt. Just discuss in a friendly manner - you love to see them, your older girls love spending time with them, but you find unnanounced visits too chaotic at the moment.

I'm so slow at typing I see you have changed, - thanks OP

Sazz, you're not the lady who's fiancé was having an affair with her brother are you? Or is it just a similar name ?

Sorry, just noticed that lady has no children so probably not! Plus I doubt you would be worrying about your Mum's visits right now

"Instead my a couple of times my mother, father and sister decend on us en-masse, they say they'll come for the wkend to stay, then it changes to just the day, then just the afternoon and then when they do come it devastates our little cottage, they sit there expecting to be waited on hand and foot "
do you want them to come or not?? Doesn't sound like you make them very welcome.