to not want FIL to move in with us

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

I'm 14 weeks pg with DC2 and work full-time. DH has three sisters, one younger and two older. The younger sister lives with her DH and FIL. FIL is in his 80's and somewhat infirm and doesn't look after himself. The idea was that FIL would move in with her due to these issues and contribute towards the rent so that he could be near family and she could get a bigger house. The original idea was that younger SIL would buy a house (FIL gave her a significant deposit and would be contributing to the mortgage) but she decided to rent instead.

They used to live very close to the other two sisters and us which was great in terms of being able to drop in to check on FIL, taking him to the doctor, to get his hair cut etc. They've recently moved 15 miles away to a bigger house; DH counselled against moving so far away as it would be difficult for the rest of the family to help look after FIL but she ignored him. DH went to visit his dad last week and found the heating turned right down, no fridge (they hadn't bought one yet) and barely any food in the house. He turned up the heating and resolved to speak with his sister about the situation. Youngest SIL called him that evening berating him for turning up the heating in her house (it really was freezing in there!) and told him to mind his own business. She still has the significant sum of money that FIL gave to her and has started spending it on things such as a huge television (they already have a huge television...).

Older SIL dropped in on FIL yesterday and found that he was smelly (he finds it difficult to get in and out of the bath so the new place has a shower cubicle for him to use), the milk was frozen in the fridge, there was still no food in the house and that two of FIL's medical appointments had been cancelled because younger SIL didn't have the opportunity to take him. She called DH to discuss and DH quite naturally, started to get worried about his dad's welfare.

DH is now talking about his dad living with us instead and getting our garage converted into a room for FIL. I told him that there was no way that I would be the main carer for his dad as I would have a 4 year old and a new baby to look after during mat leave. He insisted that wouldn't be the case but when pushed, acknowledged that as I would be on mat leave, I would be the main carer. I'm just fuming that his sister doesn't seem to give much of a crap about his dad and expects the rest of the family to do 60 mile round trips to do such things as take FIL to the doctors, get his hair cut etc. Not one of the family confronts her about her behaviour ("I don't want to get involved" is the family motto it seems) and it seems that I will be the one taking on all of the burden.

I'm pretty sure that IANBU but would welcome perspectives and advice.

Hi LizzieMo, thanks for your input. I agree on the money and will just seethe inwardly on that one. Genuinely, their current TV is HUGE but hey ho. I would agree with you about giving SIL a break if she was actually providing 24h care but the key issue is, that she isn't doing much at all. He makes his own tea, cooks his own meals (well, microwaves them), does his own laundry (again pretty rarely unfortunately), changes his own bed (again, I think this happens very rarely) etc.

I just spoke with DH about this and he was interested to hear the opinions of others. I asked him about SIL preparing meals for FIL at the same time as preparing food for herself and her DH. Apparently, she doesn't because, it only makes him lazy

After the great suggestions about a carer, I completed a form on the local council website this morning and hope that this bears fruit. DH is going to speak with older SIL tonight about telling FIL that we are looking into a carer to help him (the council won't help unless the person who needs the care knows about the assessment).

I agree that you shouldnt take on the main caring role with your FIL, appart from anything else, unless he is very sick, he's goign to need care for longer than your Mat leave, would that then stop you being able to return to work?

I would suggest you do look at sheltered housing, or daily carer. Talk to SIL in a calm way, ifyour DH has steamed in with "why haven't you done XYZ for dad?" she's going to be defensive, what he needs to do is calm down and then sit down with both of your SILs and "what can we do to help you look after dad or is it too much for you and should we look at other options?" (if she admits she can't do it then you'll have to talk about care homes regardless of what he wants, it's not fair of him to basically expect his DIL to give up her life to care for him rather than face the fact he needs help)

This sounds a confusing set up. I'd presumed SIL and BIL were eating with FIL on an evening. Does he have his own area of the house or just a room? Does he have his own fridge, I'd presumed the kitchen and fridge were joint. Is he lazy re not bothering to cook meals/ get frozen milk out of fridge/ hygeine etc or do you think he is dementing?
I agree that if he is mentally capable he should be doing some looking after himself but I wonder if he is deteriorating mentally and SIL hasn't noticed it as she sees him every day.
How long ago did he first move in with SIL?

What about meal on wheels, or its equivalent, for his lunch? Then, he would be getting a hot meal. I'm thinking of something along the lines of here - I think that my mother used to have them, they aren't terribly expensive ~£3 and my uncle said that they looked very good.

Might be an idea - especially in winter, a hot meal will be better for him than a cheese sandwich.

On the sheltered housing subject, my mil used to live in a sheltered flat, and had a home help several times a week. The home help didn't do any housework, or not much, but used to go and get her shopping for her.

I think that FIL is actually quite lonely while they are at work, and possibly depressed as well. It can be quite a wrench for an elderly person to move to a new home and area and it can accelerate any forgetfulness and dementia which might until now have been less easy to spot.

Re: the bathing, I think he probably needs help with it but won't say and it can be difficult for family members to help with this. SIL is right in a way that letting others do everything for him can make it hard for him to care for himself, but again I think he finds it hard work to get himself something to eat and maybe what little there is he doesn't fancy. Old people feel the cold and it is unfair not to let him have the heating on during the time they are out at work.

I am glad you are investigating care options at home for him, and would urge to make sure FIL is registered with a GP as a matter of urgency and get him seen, he may need a higher level of care than any of you thought, and need medical management. Also he can be referred for any treatment and once in the social services loop can access all sorts of appliances to make his life easier, respite day centre care etc. and social groups.

My elderly FIL used to have those meals, tb, and liked them. The problem comes when they can't even be bothered to heat them up, and subsist on tea and biscuits instead.

Well I don't think it's reasonable of you to be annoyed that she has moved to where she wants to live - no-one else is volunteering to take on his care!

You are right to refuse to have him move in with you, it would be a terrible strain on you. Your DH needs speak to your sister and suggest getting a carer to call in once a day at least. But it'll cost quite a bit - hope he has some money left!