STBXH - I know IABU ...

[mamasnet]

STBXH and I separated just over a year ago, but for complex reasons, are stuck living together in the interim. So far, so meh. It's not the best situation but we're trying hard to keep the peace for DS's sake (plus, I'm not home very much due to line of work I'm in, which has its drawbacks but means that the opportunities to clash are few and far between).

Today is 29 February. It comes once every four years. It also happens to be my birthday. Not a sign of acknowledgement from STBXH - no birthday wishes, no offers of a lie-in, nada. I don't want a gift, but at least some recognition would have been nice. After all, seeing as I never celebrate my birthday during non-Leap Years (no second-rate land-of-nowhere 28 February or 1 March for me!), it's saved him a wodge of cash and effort as he only ever splashed out on a birthday wish/present twice whilst we were together.

So, folk of Mumsnet, tell me IABU. I know I am and I shouldn't care, but I can't help feeling pissed off! Doesn't help that I'm rather poorly, DS was tantrumming all morning all the way to the CM's, and I'm (perhaps unjustifiably) feeling very sorry for myself :(

Yes, the details of this will make me instantly recognisable to those that know me [waves at fellow AIBU-MNetting pals]. 'Tis what namechanges are for

I totally understnad you being fed up about this. But YABU - sorry. You are separated after all - although still living together. And exDP may be happy to keep the peace, but not actually want to be nice to you for your sake.

Oh and Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday mamasnet. I hope today gets better for you.

Whether yabu or not, rather depends upon the circumstances of your split. If you have been a complete cow to him (you sound nice, so not saying you were), then birthday wishes would be too much to expect. Otoh, if he left you, then the very least he could do is to wish you well, today. However, guilt might be an element, or he might be a complete git, which is why he is a soon to be ex husband (am guessing that's what STB stands for).

YANBU he's a tosser. Probably why he is STBXH.

You should go out and treat yourself today. Happy Birthday

At least it confirms you made the right decision... As you are still both members of the human race and it's your birthday (of any type let alone a special one), Yanbu.

Well i think YANBU.

Whatever went on, you still happen to be living together.

Wouldn´t have hurt him to say HB imo.

Yanbu. He surely knows that a leap birthday is a big deal for anyone and knowing that you only celebrate on the actual day, some form of recognition would be the right and civil thing to do, especially as you live under the same roof so are, I assume, on friendly enough terms.

All that aside, is there a chance that he has organised something with your DS for later?

Happy Birthday

Not an amicable split, but it couldn't ever have been. I suspected he was cheating on me, said so and suggested a trial separation only to be told that it was all in my head and that I obviously didn't love him or DS enough to even contemplate suggesting such a thing etc etc. Turns out the wanker the lovely man had been cheating on me for months and I only found out on NYE by a random text to his phone which DS the toddler was clutching in his sleep at the time (didn't want to be accused of committing the cardinal MN sin of snooping!). Anyway, it's by-the-by. I admit that I still hold a grudge, but who wouldn't? Especially having been told a number of times since it happened that I can't blame him for our split as I'm the one choosing to split us up ... Did I mention that he was a wanker?

However, thanks to all for the birthday wishes. It's helping make up for what has so far been a crap morning

Happy Birthday

It depends on the reasons for the split. STBXH & I exchanged cards at Xmas and birthdays s (latterly he even included DP on the Xmas cards) for the first 5 years after we split (really must get round to those divorce papers) now we are down to Xmas cards only - probably due to birthdays coming far too often at our age!

DP did the same for his STBX until this year (X is 50 this year and he couldn't strike the right note between pretending it wasn't her 50th and being accused of sarcasm if he sent a 50 card). She didn't reciprocate for ages until she got a new partner. (No he didn't leave her for me).

It would be mannerly for him to get you a card (I think a present is a step too far) but there is nothing in the Divorcees Handbook that says he should. Maybe he thinks "Happy Birthday person who is divorcing me, or person I am divorcing" is hypocritical?

You see, just when I think I am getting over my default setting of all men are wankers although there are a few exceptions I read about things like his behaviour leading to your split and I realise my default setting was right!

So, YABU, but only to have expected anything different in the first place. Your feelings are totally reasonable!

Many many happy returns of the day

Ah cross posted (damn my slow typing) see my last comment then.

Happy Birthday mamasnet!

I am sorry but did you expect such a wanker person to give you birthday wishes! BUT YANBU! A muttered happy birthday would have been nice! Make sure you "forget" his birthday too! I am sure he wont like that either.

HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER DAY!

And why is there no mumsnet emoticion for chocolates? We will have to complain. lol.

Have a good day!

I've been asking for an emoticon for chocolate for ages - no-one wants at this time of the morning, and if they do it's a whole other thread... so for now and for later and when MNHQ pull their finger out and organise it.

Ah well, he sounds like a knob of the highest order!

Have you got anything planned for today? Spoil yourself rotten and enjoy your special day and I hope you can get out of your current living arrangements soon. It would be better for everyone I'm sure!

Happy birthday.

But sorry YABU - he is your ex.

Happy Birthday.

There was a thread on here a few days ago in which the overwhelming consensus was that mothers should make the effort to remember and mark the non-resident father's birthday so that the children didn't feel guilty/uneasy about it. I think that says it all really.

or even: Happy Birthday.

Can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear huh OP

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

laughing here was thinking flowers so wrote it in the brackets as subconciously didn't want to write "thanks" to get them to pop up. But here goes again

surely he should have done something on behalf of DS? DH still does this for his exW on behalf of DSD and they've been separated for donkeys years. You are the mother of his child so on that basis alone YANBU.

YABU on a few counts but the first is, you daft martyr, you can celebrate something each year... you choice not to, so you can't blame the STBXH for that!!

Happy birthday by the way. Your STBXH shouldn't have done anything, but if he's not even helped your DS make a fuss of you he's an arse and you should divorce him - which you are doing.

How old are you going by birthdays rather than years? :) [winewineandmorewine]

Happy Birthday

I think YANBU. Me and my ex don't get on especially well but we manage to each help our daughter to celebrate the other parent's birthday (making cards, helping her with a gift, rearranging contact if needed). Never mind the relationship between you and him - he's not being the most responsible parent he could be. The fact that you still live together - he could (should?) have helped your DS to do something for you in the morning as a parent, rather than as a partner/ex.