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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a psycho bitch to be eagerly awaiting pregnant know-it-all 'friend' to experience the challenges of motherhood firsthand?

53 replies

professorsnape · 28/02/2012 22:31

Said friend, well, more like an acquantance (we met through a mutual friend at work) called over a few times shortly after I had my DC.

She was, on more than one occasion, very bossy with my DD, age 3, constantly correcting her, telling her to sit on chair when eating, not to interrupt, etc, etc (in short, doing my job!) At the time, I didn't say anything as was in post-twins haze (DTs now 2 years old) and just feeling a bit vulnerable/post-natal.
I also remember on one occasion I mentioned that X twin was (at the time just to make conversation really) smilier than twin Y. This was followed by the comment 'well, you'd want to watch that in case you favour one over the other'. How patronising! It really p*ed me off at the time as I thought I was doing brilliantly well to be even entertaining people in my home what with newborn twins and toddler!! And all the 'are you finding time to read to them/do tummy time?,' etc etc comments...

Ok, so far mountain out of molehill stuff but I firmly believe it's a sensitive time after a baby and you remember these things.

I just always got an air of superiority/judgementalness about her, like she knew better than me. These people with their full night's sleep, perspective, armchair parenting.

I know part of the problem is that I need to let these things go. Am much happier now and things have settled down and am relaly enjoying the 3 DCs!!!

She's due her baby in a few weeks, I really am happy for her of course I am. However, she is SERIOUSLY planned, has been for months, has worked out all the sleeping arrangements/timetable for the baby (snigger), what toys/ bottles the baby will use.
But part of me is waiting to see how all her plans/ideals/judgements pan out among the chaos of a newborn.

Am I just a teeny weeny bit evil? Grin Be honest

OP posts:
GavisconJunkie · 29/02/2012 07:27

Oh sod all the lovelies on here, YANBU!!!

I had a friend like this, but she was only 5 months behind me. I had an emcs because I'd clearly not worked hard enough to get the baby in position, I held her too much & should leave her to cry, she should sttn at 6 weeks, clearly I was willing her to wake up. I should've gone out to her DH's b'day (70 miles away when dd was 3 weeks old & breastfed as there was no reason I couldn't express & leave her with mil overnight, etcetcetc.

Cue her emcs, non sleeping baby and so on. I tried to be supportive, genuinely, but she was clearly conscious of how awful she'd been & kept sYing how everything was goingto her plan & how glad she was she'd planned rather than 'gone with the flow' like I did (swept down evereat by an avalanche more like!). Then one day I arrived & she was in the shower as I spoke to her DH who revealed the hideous truth.

I felt so sorry for her & discussed it with her (she's a very old friend) everything fine until her DS was 6 months old & a new batch of superior smugness started. Now at nearly 2 her DS is lovely, but can barely move without mummy's say so. My dd is chatty, happy & fun. I'm about to pop with dc2 & she is NEVER having any more kids.

So you get your Jammy Dodgers out & enjoy.

QueenSconetta · 29/02/2012 08:20

I tell other people's kids off a lot - Pavlovian style response due to my DD being so challenging at the moment. I always apologise though as I know it's not my place!

QueenSconetta · 29/02/2012 08:21

Also YANBU, everyone likes sanctamonious people to get their comeuppance!, x.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/02/2012 08:50

If this is her plan for the baby's first weeks...

What's in her birth plan? Cos we all know they go like clockwork. Grin

aldiwhore · 29/02/2012 08:55

Keep it to yourself and YANBU.

Unfortunately she may just fly through the whole thing, her planning may well work (for her), her baby may well be an absolute dream. Happened to a friend of mine, we were all secretly hoping that she would struggle a little (wouldn't wish anything bad on her) just to get her to understand reality and be a little more empathetic with others, and less of a know all. Meh, didn't happen!

bamboobutton · 29/02/2012 09:05

yanbu.

i have an FB friend who is a few week pregnant with her first and has suddenly started posting stuff ranging from incredibly judgemental posts about her neighbour shouting at her kids to fairly mundane stuff about how she's looking forward to not having to get up for work in the morning and roll on the holiday of motherhood.

i just pmsl and think just you wait.

BobblyGussets · 29/02/2012 09:06

Hang on a minute, she's going to be the perfect parent, but has even planned what bottles she's using? Surely she is going to be EBF? I hope you raised a sly eyebrow when that one was brought up.

leftwingharpie · 29/02/2012 09:10

I can't help but be reminded of that woman who had the blog about how she was going to raise her child following the Montessori tradition and he was going to sleep on a mattress on the floor from birth and his room would be divided into these learning areas and he would have his own little desk and chair - and we all thought it was a big hoot, then fast forward twelve months and there he is sitting at his little desk wearing home made natural fibre dungarees and a dear little crocheted cap mum whipped up in her spare time between keeping the organic vegetable patch and publishing a book about making baby clothes.

treadwarily · 29/02/2012 09:22

No but she will never admit to her life being anything other than perfect.

Ditch her.

treadwarily · 29/02/2012 09:23

Hang on a minute, she's going to be the perfect parent, but has even planned what bottles she's using? Surely she is going to be EBF? I hope you raised a sly eyebrow when that one was brought up.

Bottles can contain breastmilk you know...

BobblyGussets · 29/02/2012 10:03

Really treadwarily? Fuck me, I never knew

treadwarily · 29/02/2012 21:43

Well now you do. Thank god for MN eh

Snowboarder · 29/02/2012 21:59

A friend of mine was like this. She was pregnant when my DS came home from hospital and I recall a particularly memorable walk with her one day where she 'educated' me on how to breastfeed properly, how to overcome my son's reflux, even how to wean. She knew it all somehow, despite not having children (yet) herself - she had looked after her nephews apparently so 'knew what she was doing'. She had planned a perfect birth and I couldn't help think she was looking down on my EMCS.

Fast forward 6 months and she has toned down A LOT. Her baby wouldn't sleep (her DH was regularly seen driving around at 2am with her in the car), also had reflux and she (the friend) had the same problems with breastfeeding I did. She also had an awful 5 day labour. I thought I would feel a bit smug about it all given how 'know it all' she was, but I just couldn't be. She had a tough time, probably worse even than me and my son had been prem. It was a hollow victory.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 01/03/2012 11:09

I knew someone like this when pregnant with DS (my third, she was having her first). She planned a homebirth and no pain relief "because birth only hurts if you let it", but she ended up having a hospital birth complete with epidural. Funnily enough she never mentioned anything about not achieving the homebirth she'd gone on and on about. Her baby, who was apparently going to be fed four hourly, only sleep flat on his back and be in a rear-facing buggy, ended up not sleeping unless he was in his car seat between her and her husband in bed. He was quite a whingey baby so was always crying, and her 'my baby will be sleeping through at 4 weeks as I'm going to do things properly' totally went to pot. She was also adament that her baby would be advanced as she would do everything so well and stimulate him properly but he ended up walking very late, 6 months after my DS, which she didn't like at all.

Highlander · 01/03/2012 11:36

YANBU.

you are merely looking forward to some free entertainment. Sit back, open the Maltesers and watch the carnage unfold....... Grin

M0naLisa · 01/03/2012 13:16

My sister was like this when she was pregnant with her son.
She was going to make sure he napped at certain times, went to bed on time every night, breastfed, didnt have jars, and NEVER had a dummy

Oh 4 hours after bringing him home she sent her BF out to the chemist to buy a dummy. Hes now 2 and is a spoilt little shit delightful little boy when not around sister.

Proudnscary · 01/03/2012 13:19

Neither of you sound very nice to be honest.

fortifiedwithtea · 01/03/2012 13:32

EvenBetter you made me laugh so much. Full body shit I remember those days. Mentally scarred me for life. So much so, already told DD1 (13) if she ever makes me a granny I will not change any fecking nappy Grin.

Vix286 · 01/03/2012 14:06

YANBU but be prepared as other posters have said for her to have an angel baby.

I have a friend like this, her DD is 3 months younger than my DD, she gave me "advice" from pregnancy onwards. I did hope she might have a taste of the newborn chaos but no, slept through early on, no colic, eats well, placid.

I do limit time spent together and try not to mention any frustrations!

albertswearengen · 01/03/2012 15:03

I have a similar friend- a Mrs Judgey pants in all aspects of child rearing but her anti- dummy thing was so annoying. She would take ds's dummy off him when she saw him and tell him it was so nasty and horrid, she was never going to use a dummy blah, blah, blah . I did try to explain about ds's lack of interest in sleep ( he only used it before sleep and gave it up at 2) but she just did this disgusted face thing. How I laughed when I saw her first baby with a big dummy in his mouth and she didn't even have the excuse that she was a bad sleeper. I just said "Oh. A dummy" in my most surprised voice. She did a fair bit of blustering. It is a moment I will treasure for a while.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/03/2012 15:05

No you're not being at all evil.

Lionelblairs · 01/03/2012 15:15

Just keep an eye on her.

I think a new baby can be a terrible shock for someone used to being in control of her life. Sometimes it can be very hard to just let go of pre- baby expectations .

If she has everything planned out it may all go like clockwork or you may find she needs a sympathetic ear when baby is ill/teething/won't feed etc etc

One day you will probably have a laugh with her about her schedule and planning while she keeps toddler quiet with a packet of Cheese Strings.

DaenerysTargaryenButCallMeDany · 01/03/2012 15:57

albert! she took your baby's dummy away!?

susiedaisy · 01/03/2012 15:59

YANBU just smile and nod and eventually she will join the club of reality, we all had to at some pointGrin

OriginalJamie · 01/03/2012 16:03

I think, leave it to karma (the thing, not the poster), and maybe if the situation arises, a comment like albertswearengen ("Oh. A dummy").

But as someone said earlier, she might be a fab mum with an easy baby, so might be best to let it go