To be angry with friend but not yet said so

[Mandy2003]

Following a decade of DV, my friend left her partner a few months ago. All her friends were really supportive and I suppose I got the brunt of the panic phone calls about being freaked by being alone etc.

She said over and over again she would never go back (following the last episode when bones were broken). But now she's fed up of being skint so she is going to go back as he has "Promised to behave, and to look after her financially."

I am livid. I want to say how can you put money above your self esteem, sanity and safety? But I have never had a disagreement with her before in maybe 5 years of friendship. I am normally really placid and sensible but I don't trust myself not to lose it with her!

She is your friend and you have to respect her choices and be there for her when it all falls apart.

If you can't do that then end the friendship.

Your anger will do nothing for her, it may help you to vent though :)

YANU to be angry, rant on here or to a rl friend all you want, but in terms of the friend going through dv all you can do is be there time and time again, until (hopefully) one day she leaves for good.

It is a horrible situation to be in and one I have been through 3 time now (as a friend, not a victim), please just be there for your friend regardless, she really needs you, I know it is as frustrating as hell.

i would repost this in relationships

i think you risk alienating her if you show your anger and i'm sure as a good friend you don't want to do that

i do understand how frustrating it is to see someone you care about do thiis

In your situation, I'd tell her - just gently. It's not confrontational to say that. It shows you care about her. As long as you don't dismiss her worries about financial security as just being about "money" you can use this as an excuse to talk to her about it. Many women end up going back because of money, because their abusive partners had full financial control and took care to make them dependent on the abuser even if the victim had her own source of income. She will need to learn how to live with her own income, possibly on substantially reduced means, and the first step to dealing with that is some understanding and some helpful advice about how to do it. Then step in with why it's worth that financial sacrifice - because of her freedom, safety, friendships, self-esteem, etc.

She may still do it anyway, but you'll have planted the seed (meaning she may leave for good next time) and you'll have done it gently enough not to damage the friendship. Good luck.

sunshine that is v good advice

Same here OP. My best friend of 40 years kicked her abusive partner out finally (was with him 17 years). After 3 years apart she recently got back with him. I was the last one to know (she didn't want to tell me) but had to bite my tounge. Apparently he's changed, yeah right! That's not what I saw the other night, he was just on his best behaviour for a few months. But I love my friend to pieces so have to let her get on with it and just be there for her. No way on this earth would I let him alienate me from her.

You could phrase it as a question "how do you know he's really changed?" Then she has the option to express any reservations, or if not, at least she knows you're open to talking about it.

I have a friend like this, people are still trying to 'help' her after years of her throwing it back in their faces.

I'm happy to chat, meet up, go out but I will never get involved in her relationships because if her current abusive boyfriend were to die (and that's the only way to permanently rid of him), she would spurn every nice man around to replace him with a much nastier evil fucker. It is what she has been doing all her life and what she will continue doing until he someday gives her a hard enough kicking as to knock that nonsense from her, by that stage she will either be left for dead or seriously disabled.

One friend even put her up rent free for two months because of his threats to kill her and had to deal with him calling up to the house threatening to burn it down. She eventually went back to him, was seeing him while living in friends home and now friend is apparently a horrible person for being pissed for her being reunited with the scumbag of the century love of her life.

Your friend won't change. She's not a victim, she is an adult making her own choices. She loves him and everything he does to her. If he stopped in the morning she would find somebody that gives her what she wants. That is the truth. She likely loves the attention and sense of importance that being the victim gives her, I know my friend does.

You can still be her friend but don't allow you to drag her into her drama, it will likely end with you being branded the enemy when your support during a rough time is seen as interference when they get back to being lovey dovey.

She will never be helped until she decides to help herself, other people giving her attention will likely make it worse because it gives her the victimhood mantle and drama she wants rather than being forced to focus on what is wrong with her choices.

A love of violent men is like a mental illness, I don't think any normal person can understand it but being nice and helpful to somebody will not change their mentality, often it seems to reinforce it.

I wouldn't lose it with her. I would be supportive. Next time he beats her up and she leaves, possibly for good, she will need to have an option to turn to. She needs your love and support not your anger. She is going back to anger in a desperation of loneliness and poverty. Please keep the lines of communication open for her so that next time she has somewhere to turn.

I supported a friend through a similar situation. I made it clear (gently) that it would not be my choice to go back to a man like that but that it was her life, her choice and I would always be there to support and not judge.
She has left him and now has a happy relationship with a lovely man - he has the 'alpha male' traits she likes, and probably chose in her exH, but is more of a man and doesn't take his frustrations out on her.

From bitter experience I would say :

• If you have a problem with her choice you are free to tell her clearly and honestly ONCE if she doesn't know already. After al,l honesty can be useful in friendships too.

• But once you have said what you think (IF thats what you want to do) leave it and never mention it again.

If you really don't like a friend's partner and consider him a jerk or worse, I think it does affect your relationship with your friend. I think you can still be friends but I think a distance often develops and perhaps this is healthy. Especially if their relationship is longstanding. Jerks or abusers usually hate their partner's friends anyway so its hard to keep a friendship up in my experience. Also the person with the jerk tends to put a lot of energy into that relationship to keep it going (all the highs and lows etc) and there's usually not much left over. Also, do you trust what your friend tells her partner - if he's a nasty piece of work? What do you think OP?

The answer may be around distancing?

p.s. getting angry and involved is pretty pointless IME.

I have a friend with a similar problem, not DV but she keeps going back to her married boyfriend. Seven years this has been going on with all the usual excuses. It gets tiring 'being there' for her at times because it's like the record is stuck.

I have a friend who had useless, violent BFs one after the other. Her father was also a horrible, abusive man so no surprise there. She is now (decades later) with a decent man, not perfect but not violent. It took years of taking her in, trying not to judge and biting my tongue but we are still friends. You need to think whether you can/want to do this for decades in the hopes that she will stop doing this to herself.