to attempt to covertly sabotage DD's relationship with her boyfriend?

[exaspomum]

She's 15 and he's 17. I know this sounds dreadful, but I don't like him. IMO he's very spoilt and quite immature for his age. He's inconsiderate and says unkind things about people.He doesn't go out drinking or things like that but I can't help feeling that he isn't actually NICE. If you know what I mean. He's far too relaxed about his studies, in contrast to most of DD's friends. DD is taking on this attitude. I think she thinks it's more grown up to be chilled like him. Part of the attraction must be the kudos of going out with a slightly older boy.
Obviously I'd have to be very careful with my attempts to change her mind about him or my efforts could backfire. Please can you wise mums either talk me out of this or give me really good practical tips?

You'll drive her more to him if you start slagging him off
She'll realise in her own time if she's sensible

Invite him round for tea and be really nice to him. become bestest friends with him and go on and on to DD about what a nice boy he is, and how you should invite his parents over as well sometime.
She'll go right off him.

Yabu.

God this is the second thread I've answered on this topic in 5 minutes. Interfering will make things WORSE. Keep lines of sommunication open and build her self esteem etc.

Leave well alone - it can only lead to trouble.

If he's not very nice then surely she will discover this for herself. She'll soon move on to someone else and you probably wont like them either

The more you show you like him the more she will want to get rid of him. I had a boyfriend who my parents didn't like. I thought it was ace. When they started inviting him round and acting like he was great I got rid! Be nice and she will decide maybe he isn't for her

I would leave it. I remember being this age and worshipping older boys who were laid back and cool. Even if you don't like him, she clearly does and if you try to split them up it will become romantic & exciting as they will be 'star crossed lovers' kept apart by big bad Mum. She is only 15, it is not going to last is it?

She has to learn by kissing the frogs if she wants to meet the handsome prince....

DP was very tempted to do something like that about the rude baggage his son was knocking off bringing home. Vile creature.

Thankyou for your replies. DD did have a boyfriend who I thought was lovely. I couldn't stop myself enthusing about him and as you say, she soon dumped him. I'm nice to this one too but I remind her that she doesn't have to sit through his choice of crappy DVDs and films at the cinema. I tell her she looks nice regularly.
I know I shouldn't interfere, but it's very hard. I've got her tickets for a thing on friday night that she's keen to go to, with me and one of her friends (hobby related). He won't want to go. And I know that she wants to go to a film at the cinema that he doesn't want to see on saturday night so I'm going to offer to take her to that. On Sunday they're both involved in a large group activity so no scope for a date with him this weekend if my plan comes to fruition.

I agree with Nowthen and Pringle.....sing his praises, and get pally with his Mum. She'll dump him pretty sharpish!

Anyone who tries to sabotage a relationship is being U. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate if someone tried to sabotage yours because they "didn't like" who you were dating. Just leave it. She can make her own mistakes. It's called growing up. Something which often never happens to people with helicopter parents.

"his choice of crappy DVDs and films at the cinema"

Dear Lord. Let's face it, this particular relationship won't last, but this smacks of future MIL from hell.

It's NONE of your business. If he isn't abusing her, violent, or forcing her into something she doesn't want than it's none of your business who she goes out with. If she's neglecting her studies you can certainly do something about that, but please don't mess around with her relationships.

Some of my worst memories of my mother are of her interfering like this. Are you assuming your daughter is so stupid she won't notice what you are doing?

Encourge her to keep up her friendships. I think thats very important for feeling as though you can leave a relationship if you're unhappy rather then feeling trapped. (for a teenager that is)

Aribura, thank you for your warning. I do mean that genuinely. I sometimes wish my own mother had been MORE interfering, but who knows if I would have listened.
On the other hand has anyone out there ever successfully interfered without their DC noticing what they were doing? It's the worry of her spoiling her life choices for the sake of this lad. I went out with a (not all that nice boy) from the age of 15 till I was 19. Shudder at the thought.

I know what you mean. I wish my parents had been more interfering as well, but that doesn't mean that it would have actually ended well if they had. Perhaps I would have rebelled.

I think really what I needed was some guidance in what ways it's not appropriate for a boy to treat you. I got no guidence whatsoever. In fact my mum used to say that if a boy asked me out then I should go out with him (whether I liked him or not) to spare his feelings!

Why do people think that saying DD looks nice or is beautiful will up their self esteem? It's learning to trust your instincts and have confidence in your abilities to handle life and experience that builds that, not being pretty!

IME being told your pretty actually makes you think that is all you are.

Speaking from experience. I had a load of shocking relationships when i was a teenager - all with under acheiving boys, whilst i was clever and yes, pretty. But being told you look good and then undermined by your mum trying to break up your relationship will only make her think you think she's too stupid / naive / insert word here to make her own choices.

Build her confidence and esteem and help her see that she is genuinely worth more than this boy and she'll leave him for dead in a matter of weeks!

And a 2 year age gap at school is par for the course isn't it? No particualar kudos attached to a 17 year old...

I agree.
A girl needs to know she is smart, wise, funny,self-reliant, good at something and has lots of good friends, as well as being pretty.
Girls who are told they are pretty by everyone all the time don't end up with loads of self esteem.
They end up desperate for male approval, based on their looks.

My parents actively tried to get me to end my relationship with my then BF. I was 18, he was 21.
When I failed to get the exact combination of grades to get into my chosen uni (and pretty unique course), they pushed me at any and every course going despite my having been given an unconditional place for the following year. They genuinely thought that if I'd never go to uni if I didn't go at once and spent too long hanging around with my BF.

As it was I went to uni the following year as planned and got my degree. That was 25 years ago and I'm now married to my BF and have 2 DCs. Unfortunately my parents attitude and actions 25 years ago continue to colour his feelings towards them - there is an element of trust which cannot be regained.

Tread lightly OP.