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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suddenly feel yuck about going back to work after bereavement

24 replies

QueenSconetta · 28/02/2012 07:45

I know wrong forum but there are so many more people here for quick advice, please thank you.

My Dad died 3 weeks ago and today is my first day back at work.

I have been ok so far but all of a sudden I feel wibbly and scared and want to run home and hide.

Please tell me this is normal and I just need to push through it?

OP posts:

WelshMoth · 28/02/2012 07:50

Queen, of course it's normal. I hesitate to tell you to push through it, because the grieving process is so unique to every individual. Perhaps go in, have a day where you can clear your thoughts by concentrating on something else, but if you are struggling, then speak to your manager.

Don't struggle. Be open with your colleagues.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You must be hurting right now.

Go easy on yourself.

bagelmonkey · 28/02/2012 07:51

That sounds completely normal to me. Sorry for your loss. You do need to go back to work. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get. But don't expect too much of yourself. You're entitled to feel wibbly for as long as you need to.

WhereMyMilk · 28/02/2012 07:51

Sorry for your loss :(

I did this when I went back to work after a miscarriage. Within 30mins I was sobbing in the toilet. Couldn't cope with sympathy. It was for me, a sign that I wasn't ready, so went home.

You must do what feels right for you and don't push it till you're ready.

Psocid · 28/02/2012 07:52

head up......deep breath....you CAN do it. It wont be long until all the "oh I am so sorry how are you" is all over and you can hide behind your PC (or whatever) and just do your job.

[squeezes your hand tight] you can do it....

shesparkles · 28/02/2012 07:58

I completely understand how you're feeling. When I went back after my mum died, I walked in the door and cried the minute someone looked at me. I was treated with nothing but compassion by my colleagues and I hope it'll be the same for you.
It's hard, but you can and will do it. xx

Northernlurker · 28/02/2012 07:58

Ok this is going to go one of two ways - first yes you can push through it and will do so and today will be crap but then it will start to get better or secondly actually you're not ready and you need longer. I felt like you do now going back after bil died and it was ok in the end but I spent quite a lot of time staring in to space for the first few days. On the other hand I worked with woman who nursed her dad through his final illness then came back to work for a day and had another 6 weeks off. Bereavement is very individual and it strips you of your 'shell'. You need to let that grow back - so you could be ready today but if you're not take longer off. You can get a sick note fom your doctor for bereavement reaction if necessary.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 28/02/2012 07:59

Thank you all. Just had a wee teary moment at your kindness and that the ticket inspector on the train took my coffee cup and put it in the bin for me.

In fairness my boss has been very good and said when I feel I've had enough just go home and take each day as it comes which is a weight of my mind.

Right, brave mouse, off I go...

OP posts:

jamdonut · 28/02/2012 08:07

I know that people may think this a bit but when my Mum died,2 years ago,the only time I took off was the day of the funeral. She died on a Friday...I was in work on Monday. I know people were a bit but, as I said at the time, it was my way of coping. Most of my close colleagues (friends) were lovely and looked out for me.
My Mum always said "life goes on" and that's how I dealt with it....day to day normality. And yes, we were close. I didn't have much of a say in funeral arrangements, my step-father went ahead and sorted everything. But it doesn't mean I don't think about her ever day. It just hurts a bit less now.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 28/02/2012 10:18

I an holding it together for the moment. X.

OP posts:

laurz75 · 28/02/2012 10:21

You will have good and bad days. Its lovely that your boss is so understanding - do what you need to do. You may be fine at first and have bad times when special times occur that your Dad will miss (birthdays, christmas etc). My dad died a year and a half ago and I still have sad days but can get through them.

mamalovebird · 28/02/2012 10:32

So sorry for your loss QueenSconetta
I went back to work 3 weeks after my dad died as I needed to think about something else. I went to see my boss as soon as I got in and asked him to tell my colleagues just to treat me as normal and not tip toe around me as that would have made it worse. They did and it made me cope with going back so much better plus I had moments where I forgot that my dad has just died.

Life does go on, my dad was a firm believer in not wallowing, but that doesn't mean things will be the same again, just different.

My dad died 14 years ago and even though I miss him and wish he could see me married and happy with his grandson, I does hurt less. I still pause before I make any big decisions and ask myself what my dad would have said so he will always be here, in my head.

mamalovebird · 28/02/2012 10:35

sorry, meant to also say, you will get through it and it does get easier. The firsts a the hardest bit but after a while they'll become little celebrations of your dad's life. I always have a drink of whiskey on my dad's birthday and toast him (as that was his fave drink).

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 28/02/2012 10:43

Thank you all, xx.

OP posts:

Elemental · 28/02/2012 12:16

Hi QueenSconetta, I just wanted to say that I know what you're going through as my dad died 4 weeks ago today. I went back to work 2 weeks ago and the first day was a lot harder than I thought it would be, everything went so slowly.

I knew there was a voicemail message on my phone from him and I wanted to listen to it, so waited until I thought everyone had gone home. It left me in bits, and then it turned out there was still someone here and I left in floods of tears - they haven't really spoken to me since, probably worried I will do the same again!

BUT, the next day was massively, massively better. Having got that first day out of the way was a big step to starting to feel on a more normal, even keel. As Welshmoth says, it's different for everyone, and it makes a massive difference to have an understanding manager, which I did too. Don't put any pressure on yourself at the minute, just take things as they come.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 28/02/2012 17:18

Well I managed ok apart from a shortness of breath panic attack type thing, which started at lunchtime and didn't go away but just been checked out by the doc and he says it is just anxiety. drama queen . Am having a cammomile tea in a cafe now before I pick up DD from CM

Thank you all for your kind words - the kindness if strangers is a wonderful thing, xx.

OP posts:

Gumby · 28/02/2012 17:20

Well done you did it
each day will get a teeniest bit easy
Babysteps , be kind to yourself, don't do much tonight, get a takeaway & put your feet up

bagelmonkey · 28/02/2012 17:24

Well done. I hope tomorrow is easier. Keep going.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 28/02/2012 17:25

Also Elemental, sorry for your loss, x

OP posts:

jamdonut · 28/02/2012 22:32

Working in a school, it was difficult on the first Mother's Day after her death.In a school assembly, we were singing a lovely Mother's Day song,and I just couldn't stop tears from suddenly streaming down my face. It was a bit embarrassing,but people were lovely about it.

I'm glad you managed ok in the end. It will get easier.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 01/03/2012 07:29

Hi All, just a wee update. Was out of the office yesterday doing something different and felt productive so that was good. Last night was a different story though as it was the first time I had collected DD from my Mum's in a 'this is normal work scenario' since before he went into hospital. I managed to hold together until DD was in bed then had a good sob.

I guess I am just finding 'new normal' really hard - its like its finally hitting home he is gone and life is going on without him, as of course it must.

Sorry went off at a tangent a bit there! Baby steps like you say, and thank you all for showing me it gets easier in time, x.

OP posts:

Brandon1 · 01/09/2017 11:16

Hi..

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 11:20

I've been here, had to return to work after I lost an immediate family member. It was hard. I pushed through and was okay though, just about, and I'm glad I didn't take longer off as I reckon I'd have built up returning to work in my head and got really anxious about it. That said, if you don't feel as though you're coping, take your boss up on their offer and go home, try again tomorrow. Sending hugs

Brandon1 · 01/09/2017 12:03

Dont know if my message posted.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/09/2017 12:06

Zombie thread from 2012.

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