Am I being unreasonable to say let the cleaner do it?

[medjool]

Inlaws don't live in the country most of the year so they rent their place out for short lets (in London) to help fund MiLs father's old age home, which leaves them out of pocket. Fair enough.

They have people staying in a couple of weeks' time, a week where noone is, then other people staying. She has asked me to go in and change the sheets, despite having a cleaner going in. Am I being unreasonable to say let the cleaner do it? This is easily part of her remit and given she will be there for 3 hours (minimum agency does), she'll definitely have time.

I have 3 kids and don't get much free time. One is a baby who keeps me up in the night and I don't get a chance to catch up on any sleep because of the others. I'm not averse to doing favours, but generally find that MiL doesn't lift a finger to help me when she's here, expecting me to cook for them if they haven't got dinner plans (restaurant or invited themselves to friends - they buy every meal ready made inc sandwiches here and abroad and just about have breakfast in), hosting her friends because 'she has nothing in the house to cook with (see previous brackets). She was supposed to babysit with FiL a few days ago but decided 30 mins before I was due to go out that she was too tired so they had to go home. FiL supported me and said he'd run her home and come back to sit, but this was after I'd already cancelled plans (DH works away sometimes/comes home late from European trips). FiL is always round to play with the kids but she is always shopping for herself, getting her hair or nails done and barely plays with the kids unless she's making a show if someone else is around.

Every 'favour' she does for me is more stress than it's worth - always has strings attached. Inlaws do let my parents stay at their place when they come to visit from out of town for the odd weekend as long as they don't already have paying guests. Given the state of favours, I feel like MiL will get arsey if I basically don't kill myself to please her while she is here, which means my parents will see their grandkids less often, which isn't fair.

Ok, so I did basically cover everything in the first paragraph, but I just wanted to have a bitch as DH doesn't care/makes excuses for her lack of help despite the fact that she bends over backwards for BiL's wife in America because she likes her kids better (because they are boys and because they are her favourite son's kids).

YANBU... provided the cleaner has sheet-changing in the job description. You're their DIL, not a skivvy

Just tell her that you won't have time (don't go into explanations of why) and that if her cleaner can't fit it in in the time she's being paid for, perhaps it's time to look for a new cleaner. then give her a bit of sympathy on how hard it is to get a decent cleaner, oh dear, you really do sympathise, now must dash... and hang up.

Cogito - she thinks for sure I am the skivvy and not DiL - I am pretty much pushed into doing the shopping and cooking when we visit them abroad (which I wouldn't do if I didn't have to as it's more work for me than being home).

Diamond - not a regular cleaner, agency girl, so she can ask her to do anything. With the size of her home and the agency requirement of min 3 hours, there's plenty of time for the sheets for 1 bedroom, all she has to do is make it clear it needs doing. But then isn't it so much more fun to dump on the DiL?!

Don't get into telling her what the cleaner should/shouldn't do - not your business. Just say you are too busy, sorry.

Who is washing the sheets? Is that why she is asking as there's no-one to wash them? Say you'll do it for same fee as cleaner:).

Tell your husband to do it - its his parents.

Problem solved.

troisgarcons has the right idea! If your DH won't support you then leave them all to it - get him to either do it or tell her no. Trust me, it is SO liberating to hand back the responsibility of difficult in laws

Agree with trois, if anyone is going to do it then it should be your husband. You realise if you do it once it'll be your job forever, right?

I'd say no to this on principle, no matter how much spare time I had, as it doesn't sound like they're ever keen to repay a favour. If they were kind and helpful generally I'd consider it.

BTW... next time you visit them abroad, don't let yourself get pushed into shopping and cooking either. Tell your DH that you're not going to be imposed upon, demand support and then be assertive. Bullies like your IL's are best tackled by standing up to them.

Yes, I also think I will leave it to DH. I feel bad though because he works till all hours (which his parents don't seem to appreciate in terms of what either of us have on our plate).

Endo - FiL is keen to help, come over and play with the kids etc, MiL is not. Last week he babysat DC 2 and 3 while I collected DC1 and friend from ballet - usually I have to take baby and 2 year old with which is stressful. I mentioned the stress of it to MiL today in passing and no offer of help this week while they are here, just, 'oh, well, you manage don't you'. I am convinced she does it on purpose. She once looked after DC2 when nanny was on hols so DH and I could go to work. Then she decided she wanted a haircut and asked if one of us could get home for 4 (in London so takes time) so she could go - completely defeated the purpose of having the help and just made my life more difficult.

Cogito - I unfortunately end up cooking even when I am determined not to because otherwise we wouldn't eat at times when it's not convenient kids wise to just go out. I'm talking about substantial meals too, not just throwing a bowl of pasta and sauce together. It's frustrating because I either have to resign myself to eating badly or to doing all the work.

Apologies, am just having a major bitch now, but each day she is here, I get driven closer to tears on the basis that a. she doesn't seem to want to spend any time with my kids (practically had to beg her to come on DC2's birthday outing last week) unless she has an ulterior motive (to be fed) and b. not thinking about what she can do to help me, instead trying to find ways I can make her life easier but mine more complicated/rushed. All I can say is thank goodness they don't live here.