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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel that letting her think grandfather is dad is so wrong!!

25 replies

rhibutterfly · 26/02/2012 14:44

my friend's 3 year old hasn't had contact with her dad since she was a year old, he is a waste of space and only takes my friend to court for acess when he's between girlfriends but my issue is my friend text me yesterday to say he taking her to court again and now her DD is going to find out her grandfather is NOT her dad, i was gobsmacked by this revelation, i can recall her saying about a year ago that her DD was calling him DAD but assumed it was a phase and that my friend would explain in due course this was not the case, but she is actually upset that if bio dad gets contact her DD will realise grandfather is not DAD after all, surely this is not normal and will cause hugh problems down the line!!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2012 14:46

Yes, it's wrong. Your friend's father should have the right to be a grandfather to his grandchiid, not a make-believe father. How selfish and very, very odd it will be when the child discovers the truth. :(

lucertola28 · 26/02/2012 14:52

yanbu

The grandfather can be like a dad figure if she wants but she should know who her bio dad is.

2rebecca · 26/02/2012 14:53

She is going to realise at some point her grandfather is not her dad or will wonder what sort of weird incestuous family she is living in! If her father has to take his ex to court to get access it is hard to judge if he is a waste of space or not. It sounds as though he hasn't had a chance to prove himself as a father.
Your friend sounds at fault here for confusing her daughter wrt her grandfather and obstructing her father's access.

Slartybartfast · 26/02/2012 14:55

i spose 3 is very young. does she live with her granddad/dad?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 26/02/2012 14:59

I hope this child does find out when she is three.

Allowing a child to think that their grandfather is their father is just plain wierd. Really really wierd. Your friend hasn't thought this through at all has she?

Original poster

rhibutterfly · 26/02/2012 15:03

no they don't live with grandparents but are there most days, i don't blame her for the way she is with the dad because he let them down so badly in the first 18 months of her life, and he actually goes so far thru the court process where my friend has to pay all her legal fees and then he doesn't turn up to court and it all gets dropped again; he's done it twice so far and the courts have said they'll actually let him do this a total of seven times, but that's none of my business so i tend to offer moral support but keep out, i feel a bit bad posting about the grandfather business but wanted to know if i was right to feel alarmed about it

OP posts:

callmemrs · 26/02/2012 15:07

That is really weird and wrong!

Slartybartfast · 26/02/2012 15:19

well the grandmother wouldnt like it, she needs to be open and NOW

MissCrocus · 26/02/2012 15:24

My kids call my parents Mum and Dad, not sure why but it started a while ago and just stuck. Of course, they know that their grandparents are their grandparents and no, there's nothing weird going on besides the weird nomenclature. Are you sure that isn't the case here, too? 3 is very young, and I think you and your friend may have got your wires crossed. The scenario you worry about sounds unlikely rather than unreasonable.

GoingForGoalWeight · 26/02/2012 15:25

YANBU - that should be disciouraged, i agree. You not perfect either, so be supportive of her, in her situation, poor woman.

Original poster

rhibutterfly · 26/02/2012 15:33

no wires crossed she was actually upset because she knows if DD starts seeing her bio dad that she'll come to realise that grandad is not DAD, she is actively encouraging this and yes i am far from perfect myself and have probably messed up with my own DD on many occasions but can't recall actually leading her to believe something that isn't true, unless you count santa and the tooth fairy.

OP posts:

ComposHat · 26/02/2012 16:03

Beyond odd.

I can't see how this van be resolved in a way that is not upsetting and damaging for the child.

I'm amazed this woman's patents didn't put theory foot down about this straightway.

altinkum · 26/02/2012 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

rhibutterfly · 26/02/2012 16:19

That's where i'm coming from altinkum it's not that she's calling him dad that worries me it's that she's been encouraged to believe he is her dad.

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 26/02/2012 16:44

Just as an aside, the court will not have said he can apply then fail to go through 7 times. She must have misunderstood. She could apply now for an order banning him from making any further applications, tho' the court may not grant the application, but it would be a shot across the bows to the dad.

MissCrocus · 26/02/2012 16:57

OK. I'm hoping Rhibutterfly's friend doesn't want the child to know Granddad isn't Dad because she doesn't want to upset her, not because there's some weird stuff going on. I still think the real issue is not the Granddad/Dad thing but the disruptive effect of the reappearance of the useless ex-partner. I could be projecting my own experience onto the OP's friend, though: what my kids call my parents is definitely the least of my problems!

2rebecca · 26/02/2012 17:29

Her daughter will soon realise that her mum calls this man dad so he is therefore her grandfather.
Why does this guy have to go through court to get access to his daughter? Why won't your friend just arrange for him to have supervised access initially then see how things go or take his daughter to the park for an hour? Most women don't make a child's father go to court to get access. What is the problem here?

Original poster

rhibutterfly · 26/02/2012 19:46

she has always agreed to supervised access has even said she will accompany them on outings until he was used to doing bottles, nappies etc, he has always vetoed this as wanted it on his terms before it started going through the courts when she was a baby he would pick DD up from my friend, take DD to paternal granparents and then leave so never actually spent his access time with his DD ,he also has 2 DD from previous relationship he hasn't seen in about 10 years as courts denied him access, nothing at all weird going on with grandfather, other than what i said about the dad issue, just wish i could sit down with my friend and explain why i feel concerned about this but my friend does not take advice/comments about her DD very easily and i know it would cause hugh bust up,i'm unwilling to cause waves as we're in a very small group of friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

rhibutterfly · 26/02/2012 19:50

mumblechum you may be right , i thought this was ridiculous when my friend told me but when i asked she was adamant she hadn't got it wrong, 7 times does seem excessive and very disruptive.I actually count my blessings that i haven't got to go thru this with my own DD;s father, i wish he wanted to be involved in her life for her sake, but i am selfishly glad he giving me a quiet life .

OP posts:

MarthasHarbour · 26/02/2012 21:02

Other than the OP, am i the only one who is disturbed that a child is being led to believe that her grandad is her dad

at what point do you explain that your mum has not actually been shagging her own dad....

the thought of my DS calling my father 'dad' actually makes my skin crawl.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2012 21:06

I think many of you are taking this completely the wrong way. The child wants a figure in her life to be a Daddy. She thinks granddad is that person. That doesnt make it disturbing, or creepy. The child is 3 years old!!!

Original poster

rhibutterfly · 26/02/2012 22:18

But that's the problemsqueakytoy it's not the 3 year old who's prolonging the situation it's her mum, yes they are a very close family, but the little girl in question has 4 cousins she is close too and 3 uncles along with grandad to be father figures in her life so i just cannot understand why mum is so determined to keep her believing a lie, i understand the need to protect your child but not in this way, why not just sit her down and say this is grandad Not daddy,my DD went thru a phase of callin BIL daddy when she was 2, i sat her down and explained he's ***'s(cousin) daddy, your daddy lives quite far away, she soon stopped and it hasn't affected their closeness.

OP posts:

MarthasHarbour · 27/02/2012 14:10

ah right squeakytoy so it is ok for the child to go to nursery/school and say to the teachers 'hi this is my mummy and daddy' when the teacher knows full well that daddy is grandad.

nope - i think i am taking this completely the right way. OP YANBU, not a lot you can do about it but i understand why you are concerned.

maybenow · 27/02/2012 14:12

yanbu - the little girl will soon discover that her mum's dad cannot also be her dad and if she caims he is that will raise big questions at nursery/school.

what does she call her grandmother if she calls her gradfather 'dad'?

DeWe · 27/02/2012 14:31

I would assume she calls the grandad "dad" because that's what her dm calls him.
Dd1 went through a stage (similar age) of calling my dm "mum" because that's what she heard me say. She knew that she was her grandmother, but used "mum" as a word. She called me "mummy" so probably thought it was a different word.

If they've been encouraging her to think that he is her dad then that's a different matter.

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