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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my 8yr old sons bestfriend told him he doesn't like him because he is asian

22 replies

par05 · 25/02/2012 23:01

my son is upset, he plays with this boy often, they go to each others houses etc. Recently my son has had other friends over to play, and his bf has been invited to so as not to leave anyone out.
My son is proud of his roots and we encourage him in knowing about his heritage and culture, so he will talk about it to his friends and in school etc. We are very much the minority in this school there are no other asians in the school, i don't know if this boy is being mean as my son has started to play with other friends and he dosen't like it. I am wondering should i mention it to his teacher or not it has upset me as well as my son.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 25/02/2012 23:09

Children pick up on anything and everything they can to hurt other children, but at 8 they should know that this kind of crap is not on.

I would have a quiet word with the teacher to keep an eye on it, maybe it's just childish behaviour, maybe something more, but the lad needs to know he can't go round saying stuff like that.

Do you think he's come up with that himself or heard someone else saying it?

What does your DS feel about it?

Flatbread · 25/02/2012 23:14

I would mention it to the teacher and the boy's parents, if you know them.

applepieinthesky · 25/02/2012 23:14

I would also speak to the school and get them to keep an eye on it.

If I knew the boys parents I would speak to them too and explain how upsetting it is for you and your son. I would hope they would be mortified and speak to him about it.

flyingspaghettimonster · 25/02/2012 23:16

Wow, I would have a word with the boy's parents. Either they will be shocked and embarrassed and talk to him about it, or else they are the root cause and in that case it is probably better to accept the end of the friendship.

justabigdisco · 25/02/2012 23:19

I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to my DD (mixed race)
DEFINITELY tell school, they need to nip this in the bud. Kids don't come out with stuff like that unless they've heard it from an adult. Shocking

applepieinthesky · 25/02/2012 23:22

Sadly everyone I know that isn't white (including myself) has experienced this at some point. Definitely speak to the parents and school to stop this developing into a major problem.

GrahamTribe · 25/02/2012 23:24

My immediate thought was that the friend has picked the attitude up from an adult in his environment and if I knew the parents I'd have no hesitation in raising it with them, just as apple suggests. I'd speak to the school too and ask them to keep an eye on the boys.

EmmaCate · 25/02/2012 23:27

Share justabig's view; may have come from an adult. So take it easy on the child perhaps until you've followed up with teacher/parents to hear their opinion/ explanation.

Grrrr that this still goes on.

Cherriesarelovely · 25/02/2012 23:29

Yes, do speak to the teacher. I would want to know if that had happened to anyone in my class. Hope it can be sorted out and that your DS is ok.

ravenAK · 25/02/2012 23:30

I would speak to the parents.

My ds (7)'s best mate is Asian (we're white) - if he ever came out with something like that I'd want to know, & I'd nip it in the bud. & he'd jolly well know he'd been nipped. 8 is old enough to know better!

We've experienced it the other way round, with our (Pakistani) nanny's dd using racist language towards ds - this was when they were both about 5 or 6. She spoke to her dd in no uncertain terms about it. They are best of friends; it was a thoughtless comment repeating something she'd heard said by an older child. No harm done & they both know it's unacceptable, & why.

Original poster

par05 · 26/02/2012 00:06

Hi thanks for replys, my ds was upset, he told me on friday after school, he had another friend with him and they both told me that x had said this. My ds friend who was here at the time said don't worry i still like you even if you are asian (bless him) i think i will mention it to the teacher to quietly keep eye on it.
It has made me think though that we should maybe move to where we aren't the minority, i had to go through it and tried to blend in most of the time, but thought things were different nowadays as the children in school are taught about different cultures and religions etc (which wasn't the case in my days!).

OP posts:

Flatbread · 26/02/2012 00:10

i still like you even if you are asian.

BlueFergie · 26/02/2012 00:13

Say it to the parents. If my kids said something like this I would want to know. And I would want to correct it and put them straight pretty damn quickly.

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 00:14

Embarrassingly, my ds who is also 8, says ( to me only I hope) that he only likes Muslim children really

This stems from being temporarily at a Muslim school when we were in a homeless hostel, it was an emergency place. He is as blonde and pale as a ghost, Was very noticeable,but he LOVED the school, people, culture,food, everything. Fond memories.

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 00:14

Bluefergie, me too!

jollyoldstnickschick · 26/02/2012 00:19

I think that any child that has a 'difference' is open to 'bullying',my own ds was bullied terrib ly and its definitely something you need to stop and speaking to teachers and other parents is a positive step but ultimately your son is the powerful one ....you can only be bullied if you let yourself be bullied,so im not suggesting your ds teases back or beats the other kid up but he could learn tactics like - yawn,you still saying that? , and? so what?,see my face does it look like i care? etc etc its so very difficult when our dc get hurt through other peoples ignorance but if you can teach him this now it will stand him in such good stead later ......

Original poster

par05 · 26/02/2012 10:31

flatbread i know but he meant it in the nicest possible way..I think!! jolly you are right i do try and teach my kids ways to deal with this type of behaviour, my dd is fine she ignores a lot of things but my ds is sensitive and does try to ignore things that are said, but i think this coming from a child who comes to our house a lot and who he sees as his best friend has made him that little bit more upset.
I'm trying to work out if it was said just in spite as my ds has started to play with other boys and this boy dosen't want him to have other friends, so trying to make my ds out to be not cool enough to play with etc..

OP posts:

HoneyandHaycorns · 26/02/2012 10:42

:( It makes me so unhappy to think that this still happens. My friend's little girl is currently going through something similar. I hope that you can sort things out soon.

I am thankful that my (mixed race) dd goes to a very diverse school which celebrates the rich heritage of its pupils. I genuinely don't think ethnic origin is an issue for these kids. I wish it could be the same everywhere.

Original poster

par05 · 27/02/2012 16:26

Hi so my ds came home today saying his friend is still being mean to him, i asked him what has he said now and my ds told me that his friend said he "didn't want to play with that " that being my ds ! (angry) . I am def going to have word with the teacher now... while i was thinking that maybe it had blown over now being monday it obviously hasn't aibu in being really annoyed??

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 16:37

racism, pure and simple. Hope you manage to get it sorted out. I wonder where he's getting his ideas from

giveitago · 27/02/2012 16:57

Oh I'd tell the teacher and fast so they can keep an eye out. Don't invite this boy over as it will upset your ds.

I think the fact that the other friend said 'My ds friend who was here at the time said don't worry i still like you even if you are asian (bless him) i think i will mention it to the teacher to quietly keep eye on it. ' this worries me in respect of the first child and what he's saying to other kids (given this comment from the other friend) and now you've said it's sort of escalated at school.

The teacher and school have to ensure you ds is protected from anything that may happen at school. Do it fast. Your ds shouldn't have to experience this.

Original poster

par05 · 27/02/2012 19:51

Hi getting really down thinking about this, feeling if we were living in a more multicultural area it would be better for the kids, they would have friends who would understand their background better and maybe do more ethenic things in school.

OP posts:

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