To expect a lodger to have respect for me and my house?!

[LitleMermaid]

I'm a bit if a lurker around these parts but have never posted, so be gentle :)

I have a wonderful fiancé whom I love to pieces but we've had a bit of a row and I'm really unsure whether I'm being as ridiculous as everyone seems to think and am desperate for opinions please!

My brother-in-law graduated last May and went back to live in a v.rural area with his parents. He's failed to get a job there so we were asked by mother-in-law to take him in for a few weeks (we live in a city) so he could attempt to find something. Obviously we said yes, despite the fact I am bulimic, hate people in my house for any length of time messing in my kitchen and watching my eating habits (this IS BU I know so I still said yes because...I wanted to help!)

He got here, and to try and cut a long story short, has done very little. He sits in the living room on Twitter. All day (when he finally gets our of bed). I'm forever picking up after him, washing pots, cleaning hair in the bathroom (ew) and generally making the house tidier. I'm a student also so am around much more than OH, who has a full time job, and so am the one seeing it all.

We have loads of pets so decided to take advantage of him being here and went away for a couple of days. Upon our return (at 3am, delayed flight) we had to spend an hour cleaning the house because it was so vile. The cat had wee'd on the dog's bed for example. He admitted he knew this. So why was it not cleaned?! I, and OH, were furious. Also our Dyson had been broken. God only knows how.

So far we have not had a sorry. Nor a thank you for us putting him up, cooking for him regularly and generally being good relatives. I don't expect, and wouldn't accept, a financial contribution, but do feel the occasional bottle of milk wouldn't go amiss IYKWIM?

Anyway. V. pre-menstrual this week. Asked five times for toilet seat to put back down after use and food to not be left on sides. Requests ignored.

Last night I went to the loo, found the seat up again and felt a huge amount of anger (small things build up you know?) went downstairs, where we got into a discussion and be made a flippant comment about rape. This was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak so I let rip. Now despite OH agreeing with me in private about his brother's attitude to EVERYTHING, no back up was forthcoming so now I look like the tosser of a sister in law who is basically one huge cowbag. Had a huge row this morning before work with OH and he says, despite me requesting he have words with his brother loads of times (when walking the dog or in the pub-my liver is not loving having a lodger!!) he states that if something is annoying me I should say something. Fair enough, I agree, but what
Makes him think I will be listened to when I wasn't about the other things? I suppose what I'm getting round to, in a very long winded way, is AIBU to want and expect support in this matter? I'm very recently in recovery from bulimia and as selfish as it sounds I need very much to concentrate on getting better. It's also my 24th birthday tomorrow. Meant to be going out for sushi this evening but as I'm sat at my mums with my best weeping face on I cannot see this happening. I'm a nice person, honestly. Just not very tolerant of other people being rude in my house. Been told I am difficult to live with ( I have bulimia, its tough yes, but I'm not a horrible person) is not helping my temper, as one may imagine. I know I'm a NICE person, so why the heck I can't act it over this is unfathomable. Am I being completely horrible to expect respect in my own living room, really?

Jeez that is a mammoth post. Sorry!!

Also I know my OH is in a very difficult position, I'm not horrid enough to not recognise this. Right will stop posting and wait for replies lol

Well firstly its MY bday tomorrow too! 25 though so happy bday bday buddy ha! But YANBU IMO as your lodger is being Disrespectful to your home!

Tricky one as it is family but yanbu to be irritated. Dp needs to talk to him and ideally Find out whet his plans are as this isn't going to get easier if he doesn't mend his ways.

Crikey, YANBU. What's that proverb about guests and fish after three days? Tell your husband you want him out, and set a date for him to be gone. And ask him to pay for the Dyson getting fixed.

How long has he been living with you? has he found a job yet?

I think the lack of respect he is showing for you and your home are disgraceful, your DH really needs to speak up for you here.

My sister suffers from an eating disorder and her space and routine is very important to her. she has tried to have guests stay but it just doesn't work for her, (cant stand the idea of people watching her eat etc...)
I think you tried to do a good thing by having him there but if your still recovering it was probably a mistake.

time to speak to everyone concerned and say something before you push yourself into a relaps.
if you werent recently recovered, id say yabu, and over reacting abit....
BUT you are in recovery, time to be selfish for now and regain control of your house, no one will want to see you hard work recovering wasted.

Hi

1. YANBU. He is taking liberties. Tell him "his few weeks" are now over. I have a freind in your position with a SiL (and her hideous teenage son) and her and her DP have almost split up over it.

1. That's just one part of the problem. Please dont feel like you should apologise for having bulimia (which is a MH condition, just like any other illness) and feel like you have to keep justifying your completely natural feelings by saying that "but I am a nice person"..no one nice or nasty should feel like this is their own home. I think what you need is a little jet of confidence to tackle this with OH.

1. I suggest a sit down with your OH and have a straight chat. No.."but I am nice" and "I am sorry buts.." or "maybe it's me being funny"... Just the facts. He was supposed to be here for a few weeks, that is now up, he was supposed to be getting on his feet with a job (has that happened? No.), it is not working out, he is not respecting our house and I am unhappy. I expect support from you on this..and ask him what he has to say.

op I also wasnt meaning to imply you have behaved selfishly, I just ment you should proritise yourself, its you space your home and your health, speak to dp and insist he sorts this out.

YANBU Your DH needs to sort this out as it's his DB.

So he's living with you rent free whilst apparently job hunting? The very least he should be doing is some housework and buying some food.

He sounds very disrespectful. This is your home, as well as your OH's and his brother needs to show some respect. The not putting the toilet seat down is a bug bear of mine, it's the thing DH and I bicker about most. Drives me mad sitting on cold porcelin (SP) and man wee.

Tell him it's not working out and he needs to move back to Mummy but if he has an interview he can spend the night.

So he's treating you like your his Mum? YANBU, at least if it was a flat share you would be able to split the bills.

You're!!! Sorry, cant blame iPhone for that

This could be me writing this 12 years ago. In face it nearly split me and oh up. His little brother was still treated like a baby by the rest of the family, had just finished so was used to living like a student and he totally disrespected me and my now dh did nothing about it.

Your bil needs to leave and soon. I put up with bil for 6 weeks and we were barely talking by the end of it.

The good news is that we get in really well now. I really like him and he is now far more respectful when he visits.

You oh is in a difficult situation, I was lucky as my bil decided he couldn't stand it any longer and he left.

You can recover from this but he needs to go.

Yup, your DH needs to speak to his brother, it is not fair to expect you to carry the burden of responsibility for resolving this situation, especially as you only entered into it as a favour to his family - I get the strong impression that had it been anyone else you'd have said sorry but no. Therefore it was really your husband who agreed to this, with your support and now that the situation is no longer tolerable to you, he needs to take charge of saying 'enough'.

You both think he's being a tosser, but as soon as you call him on it your DH refuses to back you up on anything?!

Christ, tell him to grow some bollocks while he's being such a wankmuffin. In fact, he can borrow some of mine, since I'm more assertive than he is.

Twat. Sorry but I hate spineless people who put up with family just because "they are family".

You are engaged you say?

He has a very disrespectful family. Remember, you are marrying the man, but will get his family as baggage. If THIS is how your partner let his brother threat his fiance, then this does not bode well for your relationship.

Can you put the wedding on hold?
I am sorry, but I would not marry into a family like this.

You need to sit down and let him know exactly what you expect from him in terms of pulling his weight. This needs to be detailed eg clean the bathroom after yourself which means hang towels to try, clean bath including of hair, polish shower cubicle so no streaks, clean toilet of skidmarks etc

Give him some regular household chores of his own too and get him to cook for you all twice a week. Presumably he has never run his own house so it will be a learning curve for him.

If he can't do this stuff then tell him 3 warnings and he's out. DH needs to sign up to this too of course.

"I'm forever picking up after him, washing pots, cleaning hair in the bathroom (ew) and generally making the house tidier. "

WHY?? The FIRST time he left a pot, some hair, etc. you should have told him politely that it isn't on. DON'T let stuff get to you, but don't tolerate it. In fact, in the "can BIL stay for a while" negotiations, there should have been an element of "if he lives in my house, these are the rules I expect him to follow". (it works with housemates, though that's always more a "what rules do we want?" situation, rather than "my house, my rules")

Anyway, that's the past hopefully this will help someone else who has to live with people deal with them BEFORE things get annoying

You have two three choices:

1. lay out some ground rules

or

1. send BIL packing.

IF you try 1, and he resents it, kick him out.

If your fiance doesn't like either option, he should possibly ALSO find somewhere else to stay... option 3

Good luck.

There is nothing wrong with hating having to share space with anybody, especially people who disrespect you as your future bil is doing. He won't change because he does not care, send him home to his mother, she can clean up after him since she raised him that way.

If your fiancee has a problem with that, you really need to reconsider marriage, it will only get worse once he has you tied down.

You sound like a very kind person, don't let people take advantage of that goodness. You deserve someone who can appreciate it.

Don't feel bad. You've just done what a million people have done when their flatmate turns out to be a total slob. Small things become massive as resentment festers. You just need to sit down with df and BiL and set groundrules, housework rota and a timetable for BIL leaving if he hasn't found a job.

Really it doesn't need to be the end of the relationship at all, I am proof of that! But you need to be very clear with bil what your expectations are and keep in at him or he has to leave.

Good grief YANBU!!
He needs to go. People like him have very thick skin and need the message spelt out very clearly. He will take advantage of you, because you're letting him walk all over you - he is living rent free, having all his meals cooked, being cleaned up after He's not living in the real world.
I don't think I'd bother setting ground rules - he sounds like the sort of person who will never leave if you give him any sign whatsoever he can stay!
Your partner should be backing you up - you agreed to live with him, not him and his family indefinitely. If you need an excuse tell him (though actually it should be your partner telling him) you can simply no longer afford to have him there, that you are getting into debt and also that the place is just too small for 3 and being cramped is making you stressed and ill.
Give him a month's notice so that he can find a job. Set the date for his leaving. Get rid of him.

Good luck!

Thing is he's not a lodger - first thought on seeing thread title was 'well of course but it should be clear in the contract'. He's a spoilt little brother who's treating you as extensions of his parents.

I think a deadline is a good idea and a list of household tasks you expect him to take on, plus a set of rules, 'in this house we put the toilet seat down'. He needs to get a job and it's not impossible to find something - just not the sort he wants probably. Your OH could offer to help him do this.

As for you, there's a world of difference between being difficult to live with and going through a difficult time, so being most in need of support, consistency and a home that you can relax in. Your OH needs to understand that and help create these conditions for you.

You sound lovely, OH needs to give his brother notice. Don't let this put back your recovery.