To not know how to help my best friend...

[tattychicken]

Her mum has had bowel cancer. Was treated successfully and was clear for a year or so, it has now returned and it's not looking good. Decision will be made in next few days but it's looking like no more chemo and going to palliative care.

We have been bestest mates since we were 7. I have been trying very hard to be hopeful and relentlessly positive but we are very quickly running out of time and I am really struggling with the transition from 'never giving up' to realising and accepting that she is dying. it might be tomorrow or next week but I can't see her recovering. My beloved friend is nursing her mum, comforting her dad and younger brothers whilst looking after her own dd's, 3yrs and 6 months.

I have helped by babysitting and listening and texting and hugging but I feel so helpless, and would like to know, maybe from those who have experienced this, how I can best help my mate.

Thank you. Xx

So. I know I'm not posting in the right section

I'm so sorry to hear this for you. I have no other ideas but you sound like you are doing all you can for her. You sounds like a n amzing friend.

Are you ok? As you've known them since you were 7 you must be prett close?

Do you have some support in RL?

YANBU - it is really hard to know what to do. I would have wanted a friend who thought and helped like you - keep up what you're doing.

Be there. Mention her mum's name when she dies. Don't be scared to talk about it and make her cry - she will need to. Understand if she seems differnet to the friend you know. Don't take it personally if she is a crap friend- even for quite a long time. Encourage her to have bereavement counselling. Remember to take some time out for yourself and talk to someone about your feelings of loss/confusion.

It is lovely that you care so much. I wish I had a friend like that.

I echo what Valpollicella says - you sound like an amazing friend. I don't think there is any more you could be doing but you do need to have some support too. It's not going to be easy but you know that, and I am sure that she will appreciate everything you are doing.

I have been unlucky enough to see 3 of my very good friends lose their mums to cancer. It sounds like you are doing all the right things already.

I always felt like I didn't know the right thing to say, but just being there and letting her talk when she needs to is pretty much all you can do.

Thanks val. I'm ok, just don't (very luckily) have any close experience of losing someone to cancer so worry about saying/doing the wrong thing, or even worse NOT doing something she needs me to do through ignorance. I don't want to resurrect sad memories for people here, but in the same circumstances, what would you want from your best mate?

Am thinking babysitting, hugs, wine. Then I got stuck. Xx

Just keep being available Tatty. You'r doing a grand job. I wish you and your friend much strength.

I'm sure her mum will be so pleased to know, wherever she is, you are being so strong and helping her through this awful time.

We feel helpless when we are unable to 'put things right' and you, in reality, feel like this because you can do nothing for her Mum. However, babysitting, cooking a meal, shopping, support, and just 'being there' are all things you CAN do and are doing for your friend. You sound so supportive and she will need a lot of that now, and in the future.

My best friend's Dad commited suicide 2 years ago. She said that just knowing she could cry in peace at my house was the best support she could have. She could let go without worrying about the effect she was having on her Mother, DH and DCs.

Just keep doing what you are doing, and be strong.

X posts Tatty = posted my message as you did.

Wasn't meant as a reply but I suppose it applies sas an answer to your post too.

Wine and hugs and food and more hugs sound just about right. For both of you x

OldWhiffle...how sad, but glad she had a 'safe place' at your house

Hi

What a lovely friend you are. I wish you were my friend too.

Support, a shoulder, some help here and there- you are doing just the right thing. Ask her if she wants you to do any thing specific, even if it is something that you might not think about which is left undone. Maybe some housework or a meal for her and her dad to give her a break. Does she have a DP? I would speak to one of the cancer charities like Marie Curie, she should be entitled to have some help at home.

Overall I would like to say, no matter how hard that her mum should be surrounded by joy and happiness at this time.

Good luck X

dome thank you. That's really helpful. You've obviously been there and i am so sorry. I cannot imagine my mum dying so cannot get my head round my best mates mum dying. If that makes sense. The practical help is what I'm after. What helped you when your mum or dad died I guess. I know I'm a stranger and I know it's private and painful but I don't where else to get quick help.

Thank you. Xx

You're doing everything right, just be there for her, talk, babysit , offer wine, occasional meal. Ask if she needs any help to sit with her mum. If yes, read to lady, chat, talk nonsense. Facilitate if possible. Going through similar, but with my family. Know how it feels. Just be there. Don't disappear.

Thank you so much, all you ladies that have posted. Im not a big poster but was wobbly tonight and you have all helped . Xxx

Let her talk about her fears, by that I mean while you do want someone to be +ve sometimes you want to talk about what will happen when theydie.

My Dad had cancer for 10 years, when he was diagnosised as terminal I wanted to talk about it. As a nurse I knew what was happening, and I wanted to vent/scream/talk.

So many people did the 'oh you need to be positive, don't talk about dying, he's a fighter' shit.

Someone who I wasn't close to then was the only one that let me talk about my fears about what was going to happen when not if he died. And let me talk out silly shit like that I didn't have a black coat. . . Stupid I know but fear and grief does strange things to the brain.

At the risk of sounding woo woo let her feel her feelings. So if she wants to talk about.....what flowers they'll have at the funeral, let her talk, don't do a 'oh don't talk like that she'll be fine' cause she knows that it won't be fine. Other than that you're doing great.

But I would ask that if you've know each so long do you yourself need someone to talk to?
You do need to look after yourself so that you can look after her. .

Realised I wasn't very clear above, my Dad lived with cancer for 10 years and then was diagnosised as terminal. It was in the end period I needed to talk rant vent......

Too much gin not enough sleep..........

I think that you're already pretty much sorted with your ideas so fat.

I know when my mum was dying I would have loved some child care to make it easier to see her, and then some time and space to grieve (preferably with wine, chocolate and hugs), phone calls from friends to know I hadn't been forgotten, somewhere I could go where I didn't have to be responsible for my dad, my children or keeping a stiff upper lip, to be able to talk about her without feeling as though I would make others uncomfortable and somebody to notice on the days when I didn't want to have to cope and to either pick up the pieces, or distract me with cake and tell me it would all be ok.

I have to say the cards I got were fabulous and validated that I had lost my mum, rather than my dad having lost his wife.

From experience both sides I would say don't change a thing except the optimistic 'she'll be okay' comments... and they fade naturally, unfortunately.

You can still be positive, even if the end game isn't.

Making sure her mum is comfortable and that your friend has the time to do what she needs to do, making her feel able to crumble with you if she needs to, and just being there... its all you can do.

Sometimes, discussing the actual care your mate's mum is getting and seeing what you can do/research to make it more bearable for her helps.

In reality you cannot change things. In reality you cannot really make things better. BUT, attitude is now the most important thing you can give... a good one, a kind one, a friendly one. You're doing that, you are doing enough and you sound lovely.

As you've known her so long, I assume you have a bond with her mum also? Its okay for you to be sad too. Don't feel you can't show it or have to be strong all the time. I will never forget my friend saying how much she appreciated me apologising for when I sobbed too (apologising and blubbing and hugging her close) because I think most people tried to be so strong for her she felt utterly alone.

This waiting game is awful, all you can really do is go with it and be there, and you're doing that.

I thankfully haven't lost a parent, but MIL (my other mother), friends, neighbour, ach... too many. Too many.

Look after yourself too. I know that sounds selfish, what I mean is, it is exhausting so keep yourself healthy. Have you got people around you that you can cry too? x

Go lemmings and smellslike you have obviously through the turd that is cancer. Thank you so much for posting. That is just what i mean, last week looked v hopeful, this week not. I was trying v hard to blow on her ember of hope but now not sure if it's the right thing to do and how to make the transition? Take her lead I suppose? Xx

Through my work I encounter people who have been bereaved and people who know they will be bereaved.

One thing that's easier said than done is don't judge her behaviour, (almost) whatever she does. Grief does terrible things to people, brings out almost animal instincts sometimes.

Be there, don't judge, let her be angry, let her thrash around and be aware that it might take a long time for her to get back on anything approachIng an even keel. You are wonderful for helping her and for wanting to do more.

Keep doing what you are doing. Try where you can to take some of the practical tasks off her because there can be an incredible urge to get on with life as normal and distract yourself by keeping very very busy until you hit the wall at some point. My mum died of cancer when I was a teenager and I didn't really grieve properly (partly because I lacked the maturity and partly because I didn't give myself time to do so). When my dad died (in his 80's) I understood the grieving process much better and accepted that sometimes you just need to sit and wallow in the feelings for a bit just to get them out into the open and start dealing with it.

From my experience, the grieving process starts once you know the person is terminally ill (unless you are stuck in denial which is a stage of grief) so don't be surprised if your friend moves through shock, denial, anger etc. You may sometimes find she might be angry with you - its not personal she is angry that her mother is dying but she can't show that anger to her mother.

If you know her mum quite well too then perhaps you could offer to sit with her mum and keep her company so your friend can take a break without feeling too guilty.

Here are a couple of booklets that give some ideas too

www.macmillan.org.uk/Documents/HowWeCanHelp/HelloAndHowAreYou.pdf

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/PDFs/CoreLeaflet.pdf

You have all been wonderful. Wish I could type quicker to respond to you all individually. Every post has helped. Thank you. Am going round to babysit in the morning and feel a bit better equipped thanks to you girls. Lots of practical help, and I liked the bit about hanging on in there coz she might be a shit mate for a bit. I can hang on for a lifetime. Xx

Chazs thank you for posting and I am so sorry about your mum and dad. the last few years, through my mate, I feel like I've entered the 'parallel universe' of cancer. Whilst it has been 99% shit, the people in her and my experience have been lovely. Thank you. Will keep you posted. Xx