To speak to the head, even though it may drop a staff member in it?

[Shakirasma]

Or can somebody advise me how to deal with this please.

I have been on friendly chatting terms with another parent for a few years and our older DC are at school together. She is a midday supervisor at the school.

My 5 year old DS is in reception and has a diagnosis of ASD (I would describe it as moderate) he lacks the communication skills to tell me himself what has happened during his day, and the school are very lax about communicating with me. This dinner lady will fill me in if there are any issues she is aware of.

There have been a couple of incidents lately which she has told me about, but obviously doesn't want the school to know she's told me. I tried to eek out details from the class teacher by asking if anything had changed as my son had not been himself (that was true btw), but she said it hadn't, so I hit a dead end there as I couldn't admit I knew something had.

Today she told me she had observed my son being dealt with by his TA in a way that is completely inappropriate of a child with his condition. It had quite upset her, and it must be stopped. I feel I need to speak to the head teacher about it, I cannot possibly ignore this.

But how can I do this without getting my friend into trouble? Or AIBU to consider it?

Some months ago there was a Dinner Lady sacked for what you are describing. You can't take the risk with her, obviously. You will obviously just have to 'lie' and say that your son told you if you want it to get sorted out.

Can you use your DS's ASD as an opening gambit to talk to the schools SEN regarding the overall school policy, then perhaps invite the teacher/TA to join the meeting later to talk specifically about DS. During the chat you work in something like "so you would never advocate xxx, what would you do".

She was sacked and it went to court but didn't she get compensation? Or have I made that up?

OP complain but say your ds told you what happened not the dinner lady.

You definitely will get your friend in trouble if you mention her.

She was not within her rights to gossip with you.

This is your call.

You could always say that another parent told you about it and that they must have been told by their child.

Tbh she should be reporting this and you will find that she is in breach of the schools "whistle blowing policy".

If your child has verbal communication problems, there should be a link book, this should be offically noted in his education plan.

I would speak to your friend and ask her to allow you to pass this on. If she is afriend she would do.

Has she said why she didn't challenge what she saw?

She hasn't done anything wrong by telling you, i don't know why you think that she cannot do this?

She cannot tell anyone else,but would be fine to address this with the class teacher. Would she not go on your behalf?

Your friend needs to deal with this. She witnessed an incident against a child that shouldn't have happened - she has a responsibility as someone who works with children to safeguard. Your friend needs to report this to the Head or her line manager.

Good thinking Cansu, that might work.

Schools have a safeguarding policy, and that should also include a whistle blowing policy. Staff are required to act if they suspect a colleague is doing anything at all wrong. Your friend should know about this if she has been trained properly, and if not she should be able to go to the head and ask if there is a policy. She shudo then read it, and comply with it.

If I were in your position I would advise your friend that you would like her to do this, because that way, her job will be protected. If she won't, then you can tell her that you are going to let it be known that you know what has happened and you won't hold anything back.

Your friend took some responsibility when she chose to tell you what she did. She can't expect you to do nothing, no should she want you to do nothing for the sale of your child. I'd book an appointment with the head for a weeks time and tell your friend that if she hasn't told by then, you will be at that meeting. It's the only hope you have of protecting your friend and your child IMO.

If the incident only concerns the OP's child and another adult, then any member of staff can report this.

It is only when another child is concerned.

Why is she not going to the head about what she saw?

Ugh, so many typos! Sorry, doing dinner at the same time!

Can't you say it's come from another parent, via their child?

Is your ds non verbal or does he have some speech? You could make up re tell the story that your ds has seemed particularly upset/ distressed going to school / worried on mention of the TA. Or that he has told you he doesn't like her because she shouts depending on his level of speech.

Then say to teacher you are concerned there is an issue with the TA and ask how she deals with DS. No mention of friend.

Im with toomuchkitchenrole the dinner lady has gone around it all wrong, what she has done is very unprofessional she should of brought it up in school with the teacher.

Or better still do what cansu said. I wrote it the wrong way round, didn't I.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I think it's difficult for her because she doesn't feel it's her place as dinner lady, to interfere with how the teaching staff deal with things.

Also, the behaviour of the TA is, I feel, as a result of a lack of training and understanding about ASD as the way she was dealing my DS would not have been too unreasonable with a neutotypical child. So she's not nasty or anything, just misguided and unsuited for the role as his 1:1.

Can you say your friend's dd/ds on the class saw it and told you? Are you able to say what happened?

don't drop her in it.

I thank HEAVEN for the dinner lady who told me what had happened to my son, as the school said it was "confidential" and called me to say had "got hurt" but would not elaborate. My son was unable to speak.

The dinner lady came up to ask if he was o.k., as apparently my son had been punched in the face repeatedly, without any provocation, and had been sitting there unable to speak or even cry (shocked? stunned?) and that's when the school called me.

When I addressed it with the head, i did not drop the dinner lady in it, but pretended my son had told me (he DID tell me, but not until the next day when he had "processed" it in his own head, he is SEN by the way, which made it a bit harder as he is very very closed and guarded)

So I would ask the school what is going in, without naming sources.

Basically it involved forcing him to conform to some thing he find stressful and doesn't understand, by shouting at him to the point he was so distressed he couldn't eat any lunch.

As though she had made a stand and coulnt be seen to backtrack, even though in the scheme of things it doesn't matter if he conforms or not IMO.

Your friend sounds lovely, but it is her place to say something. One of the biggest things that is drummed in to people who do safeguarding courses is that everyone who comes into contact with children has a safeguarding responsibility towards them.

It sounds like what that TA did was because if a lack of training and awareness about ASD, but what if it was something more serious? What if a dinner lady had spotted something that pointed to abuse? Would you still think it was ok for her not to say anything?

If you really don't want to say where the information came from then don't. There is no reason that you are obliged to. You can just talk to the head and say that this has been brought to your attention by a source you trust completely and you want something done about it. Then ask to be told what is going to be done, and make it known that you expect a review so that whatever is done, you know that its working, or it's being expanded upon.