MIL thinks dd is better than other children.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

First MIL thread from me.

MIL is really sweet, adores dd and dd adores her but she does have a few superiority issues. She thinks she is amazing at her job, cooking, sewing etc (have to admit she is but a bit of modesty would be lovely).

She also thinks her children (my sil and dh) are unusually intelligent. SIL is very bright but MILs ridiculously high standards have given her some depressive symptoms and she has been unable to settle in a career (has not worked for years).

She thinks my dd (her first grandchild) is unusually bright and curious. She is a bright kid but I wouldn't say she is ahead of any of the other kids I know, they all seem to be doing the same thing at the same time.

She had recently been meeting some of my friends with toddlers of a similar age. The conversation afterwards is always the same, well Jane ( not real name) is very sweet but she isn't as good as dd with language, or walking, or as curious, or as pretty etc etc

Firstly she is driving me mad with all the precious first grandchild stuff but also I am worried that she is going to be telling dd she is amazing and intelligent. This is what she did to her dd and she is now one of the most unhappy women I know.

I want to yell at her "you screwed up your own dd happiness please try not to screw up my daughter."

""you screwed up your own dd happiness please try not to screw up my daughter."

Why not tell her that? It could save you from trying to "compensate" for her effusions, and ending up putting your DD down, since it's a tricky thing to compensate for.

Show her this article about the inverse power of praise. If she's as smart as she thinks she is, she'll take the article on board.

But the difference between your SIL and your DD is that your DD is not being raised solely by your MIL, she has other, stronger influences too (you and your dp). Your SIL had your MIL and FIL as primary influence. I don't think it will 'spoil' or damage your DD to be praised so much by her GM. That's what grandparents are for , most people don't end up a mess for being made to feel special by their GPs.

I just don't see how you can have a conversation with her that will convince her that she is wrong to see the world in this way. If you want to try then go gently with it.

I think ultimately you, as the mother, will have a much larger influence on your daughter and you can give her a positive but realistic idea about herself. Also you can tell your daughter when old enough about her Grandmar (but that she is like this because she loves you all so much).

To be honest I think my parents worshipped the ground I walked on (their words) but I'm quite happy and not egotistical. They just didn't have huge expectations other than wanting us to be happy.

Clytaemnestra

That article is great, I really wonder if this is why her dd is such an unhappy person. She certainly had high expectations for herself in her early life and things didn't work out. She didn't take this well.

I think that about all my own children that are truly amazing and more beautiful/intelligent/smart etc etc than all others !! Do not think will damage them have great self esteem and confidence much more than other kids ha ha there I go again ...

My dp read a similar article when ds was very small, we have always tried (though it so easy to forget) to say 'well done, you have tried really hard' 'I can see just how much effort you have put in there' 'Good for you for having a go' etc etc.

Op I think it would be hard for your mil to change her ways, though showing her the article in a very casual way might be a good idea. The way you and your oh treat your child will have more effect than anything your mil does.

I have the reverse problem that my mum will use language such as 'don't be a baby' 'you're so stupid' 'you're the clumsiest person I know' to my dc's. This is how my brother and I were brought up and we both have massive confidence issues, however the small amount of criticism they get from her seems to have no effect on their confidence, most often they will just give her a look and contradict her.

I have tried to pull her up on it, but to no avail, she can also be very loving and kind and is generally a good grandma, but this is obvioulsy how she was spoken to, how she spoke to her own children and is unlikely to change now.

That article is very interesting. Before ds was born we saw a BBC documentary about bringing up children with David Baddiel- and the conclusions were much the same as that article. Praise effort rather than saying the child is clever all the time as that is counterproductive. It's the only bit of child rearing information that we have actually followed. DS is only 3.5 so I don't know if it has worked.
I know two women in our extended families whose parents praised them to the skies- noone was as clever or as talented as them and if they failed it was someone elses fault.
Both now have real problems if things don't go their way- I would go as far as to say they were in some way pyschologically damaged.
You might be able to talk to your MIL but when we told my MIL about it she spent ages scoffing.

I've tried very hard to follow that article, and DH and my Mum have done the same (after I made them read the article!). It's amazing how unnatural it feels at first, but it seems to have settled in now. I have no idea if it will make a difference but it can't hurt.

On the other hand, my auntie read a book about how saying "Be careful" constantly at children was the cause of timidity and lack of being a go getter in adult life. I can't break myself of the habit of saying "be careful!" but now I feel bad whenever I say it, which I'm not sure is an improvement!

TBH I don't think your MILs attitude to your DD is all that unusual for a doting GP. My PILs have always been like this with DD but we don't worry because we have always been able to stay balanced. Like others have mentioned we have always tried to praise for effort and hard work above anything else. E.g. whenever she had tests or exams we would give her a treat after the exams were over but before the results came out and emphasise that the treat was a reward for working hard.