To think my dad is being insensitive?

[TheGoddessBlossom]

Mum has Alzheimers and is in a secure mental health ward, been there for over a year. She can't talk, hard to know if she recognises any of us, no interaction from her at all.

My Dad visits her regularly, but recently has met a woman he spends alot of time with. She stays with him alot, he visits her, they "date". I don't begrudge him a companion, or another relationship I suppose, but I do feel he is being rather insensitive to me and my sisters - he talks about her incessantly, shares all their date details, and now has a framed photo of her in his living room. I can't help feeling it's disloyal to my Mum, who isn't dead yet after all.

I don't think I will say anything, because it's not really any of my business I suppose, but I do feel that's is very soon, and I don't want to hear about her ALL the time, nor see her photo every time I visit. AIBU?

Having seen relatives/friends with Alzheimers it is exceedingly difficult for the partners. Not being recognised, perhaps accused of things etc. seem to effect the partner more than anyone else, from my observation.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to say to him that it makes you uncomfortable, that you're happy for him, but could he tone down his enthusiasm for the new lady.

In some ways the wife he loved and married is dead. That sounds cruel but having watched various people going through it I think it is easier to deal with because with Alzheimers you are in grief and mourning the person they used to be, while still having to deal with the issues of them and their illness, you can't moe on from it at all. And there's the guilt at not being able to cope with their behaviour so they can't live at home etc.

no, yanbu, BUT, i do feel for your dad, your mums illness is a dreadful one, he may well have been lonely for years, now he knows that your mum is safe and well cared for he can pick up on living life again! - i do understand your sensitivity and loyalty to your mum though! - talk to your dad and tell him how you feel, but dont 'accuse'! he is not really doing anything awful!

Bit on the fence on this one. Yes he probably is being insensitive with regard to your feelings but I also have massive sympathy for your dad.
I watches Alzheimer's take over my gran and it was so hard. She died 2 weeks ago and although I was devastated I did also realise I had done a lot of mourning for her over the past year as through that year there was nothing of the woman I loved so much left.
It must be even harder if it is a husband or wife because that person is outwardly still there but inside it's hard to see that person anymore.
I know it hurts because your mother is still physically alive but also the woman your dad married and loved is no longer there.
It's a tough one all round I think.

Aww yes that must be very difficult for you

Perhaps it's the only way your Dad feels he can cope and maybe he sees himself getting older, and thinks this relationship is an opportunity he might not get again.

Either way, YANBU...it is insensitive.

I know it must be upsetting for you, but one has to feel for your dad. I can't blame him at all tbh, and as I see my mum dying day by day in all but body, leaving my dad on his own emotionally I see where he is.

I don´t think that it´s unreasonable of your Dad to have found someone else.

But I think that talking to you about her a lot & her picture in the living room is a bit much tbh.

I think you'd be better off saying something to your dad, as it's likely to fester otherwise. Maybe just say "I'm happy that you're living your life and have someone to share it with. But I'm finding it tricky hearing so much about her while I'm still dealing with how I feel about mum. Do you think you could ease up a bit on the enthusiasm about her while I'm here?"

Depending on how you talk to your dad you could also say something about how maybe he's a bit further down the line with dealing with the loss than you are, since he was the one dealing with it day-to-day. That might help him to understand that he's got over some of the grief of losing her which you are still working on.

Oh and I'd probably not bring your sisters feelings into it - talking about how you feel and how he feels, and how those might be different, is fair game, but it could sound like "We all think you're in the wrong" if you make it about all of you.

Thanks so much for all replies. Talking about it helps. We are not good talkers in our family although have had to get better recently.

Dewe - Yes I agree, I think that is how he is dealing with it, that to all intents and purposes the woman he married is dead. Her mind is gone. Only her physical presence is left, and that is much changed.

Ineedacleaner - very sorry about your Gran. Yes I think we are all mourning, at different stages I guess.

CMOTdibbler - sorry too about your Mum. It's hideous isn't it.

diddl - yes that's it in a nutshell

Amuminscotland - I think I will have to say something eventually. It's almost as if he is testing for my reaction by talking about her so much. He is excited, and happy, and acting like a lovesick teenager TBH and it's just all a bit much. No I would let my sisters stae their own case, and they seem fine with it anyway, supportive even.

I try to remember that the wife husband connection is different to the mum daughter one, and that our reactions are bound to be different as a result.

Just a shit smack in the face that no-one ever wants to go through, C'est la vie. I can't help thinking that Mum would never have done the same, although I'll never know.

YANBU although it must be hard for your dad too. My MIL had alzheimers and it was a terrible thing to see her decline from a strong vivacious woman to just a shell.

My mum died last year and she hadnt been gone long at all before my dad started going on at me about wanting to find companionship with someone else...........I know he is going to at some stage but to be honest mums death is too raw for me to deal with that fact! However, I do want him to be happy so in a way I hope he does find someone nice.

Maybe have a quiet word with him though, say how upsetting you find it and fair enough if he wants to be with this woman but can he stop talking to you and your sis about it.

Goddess YANBU, but I hope you do speak to your dad about this, it sounds like you're glad he's happy but he just doesn't realise how hurtful it is to you.
My MIL had Alzheimer's and was in a unit like that - it does make you want to focus on positive things when you leave, as it's heartbreaking at every visit. I know my DH would have found it very difficult if his dad had started a new relationship, I think he would have cut contact with him. The whole 'in sickness and in health' thing gets very difficult for people to cope with when it's a mental health issue, and Alzheimer's is a very cruel condition.
Your dad may be bottling up his feelings about your mum now he's found a new partner and trying to be extra upbeat about it all.
I assume his house was their home together, so it does seem rather rude to have the other lady's photo up, because she IS in fact 'the other woman', your mum is still alive and they have not divorced. Perhaps ask your dad if he considers them separated, and that when he visits her does he think of her as his wife or rather as someone he loves very much, but more like a sister perhaps? If he's already made that separation in his head, then perhaps you'll come to accept it in time, but really he should remember that she is your mother and you most definitely consider her his wife. I doubt he'd have put that photo up a year ago, the fact that your mum is no longer living at the house doesn't mean she doesn't exist!
As long you make sure he knows you want him to be happy and aren't trying to end his new relationship, maybe he'll try to be more considerate.