ath what point do you stop seeing your adult DC's achievements as yours to celebrate?

[JerichoStarQuilt]

And AIBU to think my parents are being (in the nicest possible way) a wee bit pushy?

I'm just wondering after a passing conversation, nothing too serious. Most families I know, when children/teenagers do well at something it's very much their achievement - but obviously parents are proud too. And I remember lots of parents insisting 'yes, you will go to your school prize day, I know it's boring but I want to watch you walk across the stage'. I was wondering at what point you stop feeling you can insist on your grown children celebrating their achievements on your behalf?

I'm asking because when I finished my degree my parents insisted I should go to the ceremony for their sake (I really didn't want to!) and I thought that was fair enough as it felt to me and them like the last stage of all the effort they'd put into supporting me at school and so on. Now I'm eventually going to finish another degree (after some time out, and one thing and another) and I mentioned I was planning to give the ceremony a miss as I wouldn't know many people there and still don't really like public ceremonies. They think I'm being very unreasonable - what do you reckon? I suspect I will do it to make them happy, btw, but I would like to know if you think it's normal or if they're being a bit pushy.

You're a grown adult so you should do what you want. You got the degree!

I think its lovely that they care and want to show you off but I can understand you not wanting to feel pressured into going somewhere you don't want to.

So no YANBU, but I don't know what to suggest.

Congrats on the degree

Tbh I don't let my parents dictate what they think I should be doing. But also I don't share details of my life that would invoke a pushy chat from them!

Oh, I know it is lovely they care. I just want to know how common their attitude is. Their feeling is very much that a degree ceremony is 'not for you it's for us', and I wondered if parents with adult children could tell me if they'd (honestly) feel that way too.

OnlyWants - thanks, but I haven't even got it yet - ceremony and all is all in the future.

It hadn't occurred to me they would feel particularly strongly about it, which is why I wanted to know if that was common or uncommon.

Congrats on the degree.

In answer to your question I think when your children are in their eighties it might be time to take a step back.

Seriously, I am not a big fan of ceremonies so I see where you are coming from.If you feel you can go for their sake without hating it then I would say go. It would be a kindness.

If not can you have another sort of celebration that you would all enjoy-meal out/wee family party?

They might not be around for your 80th birthday!

Unless they paid your tutuition/living expenses then they are def bu!

I've got adult children and actually, I never thought I was entitled to see their achievements as mine to celebrate. So yes, it was great to see ds2's End of Year Show at college, and lovely to attend graduations if invited, I had no right to demand that I be there.

I don't know whether it was coincidental but they've always wanted me to share the good stuff as it happens.

It occurs to me, OP, that your parents are being unreasonable in making these demands. They should be happy for you. Not make you feel guilty.

I don't think my DM or PILs have ever stopped. The youngest from the two families is over 45.

I'm 38 and just about to finish a degree, I wont be attending the ceremony because like you I don't like that kind of thing. My mum will be disappointed but she wouldn't say anything to me - and I'm sure my dad will feel glad to get out of anything formal !

I also have a 21 yr old who is just about to finish his degree - i know he would hate the ceremony (although not yet discussed this) if he wants to go - we will go if he doesn't then that's his decision.

I dont actually think your mum sounds pushy - pushy to me if she was making you do the degree in the first place. However, she does sound a little controlling and maybe needs a little help in cutting the apron strings?

pande - you sound lovely. To be fair to them, I think they are happy for me, and it hasn't really occurred to them their position is anything but the obvious one (so I'm not sure they'd think of it as making me feel guilty, if you see what I mean).

sarca - god no, they didn't!

em - that's a good thought, a meal instead. I suspect they would feel it wasn't a substitute TBH though - but I will certainly suggest it and hopefully they'll see it might be more fun than the other option.

edith - oh, no! I'd better make me move now, in that case!

I do think it must be quite tricky, that bit of being a parent, when you're suddenly thinking 'why is everyone treating my baby like an adult ... ohh, he's 45, that would be why!'

nun - congratulations on your and you son's degrees! That must feel really lovely to be celebrating two at the same time in your family.

JerichoSQ: it's ok, they're all nice about it and non-pushy. And my babies will always be my babies too! (And it winds them up so much when I say this to teens/tweens...)

Yes - I think some people manage it so it does come across as loving rather than pushy. I do agree when you have a strong family support network comments like yours can be a way of saying 'I'm always here for you'. I'm not trying to be negative about that sort of support, just trying to gently probe out what the 'norm' is (if there is one).

Mine said 'We want to go to your PhD graduation'
So I said 'OK if you take me out for a really posh dinner afterwards.'
That way we were all happy!

I think it probably is normal. But you are entitled to refuse, it is entirely up to you.

You may be right tunip. I'm not that fussed, just surprised they saw it so much as their right to insist on going.

I suspect I will get much more insight into this when I actually have an adult child, but by then it will probably be a bit late to let them know I understood/didn't understand how they felt.

I think DH has dibs on the posh dinner front, but it wouldn't kill me to eat two.

Hi Jericho, I am a mum with two children who have degrees and I can hand on heart say that their graduation days were two of the happiest days I have spent with them. It really is a right of passage and I think it works on both sides. My daughter didnt particularly want to attend as had already started a job in London and she arrived not at all dressed up and a bit tired and grumpy. I will never forget the huge grin (which reminded me so much of her 10 year old self) as she spotted us in the crowd and brandished her First certificate. These special moments. The whole day was wonderful and she allowed me to say I told you so!

However, you of course have already done that with your first degree. Personally I think that if either of my children do a further degree I would not be bothered by going to a another ceremony as I think a second degree is quite a different entity.

Your parents quite likely enjoyed the first ceremony so much they want to repeat the experience and perhaps you could gently explain that this will be quite different and that you want the original day to stay strong in your memory and by following with another less important occasion, with less friends and significance it would spoil that.

My mum started to complain when I said I wasn't going to the ceremony for my postgrad. I just pointed out that it was going to cost me a lot more to attend the ceremony, hire the gown and get photos and all that, than it would if I graduated in absentia, and she never mentioned it again.

'at what point do you stop seeing your adult DC's achievements as yours to celebrate?'

God never. I will always celebrate my DC's achievements, no matter how old they are. Even if it really bugs them!

Mum celebrates all my achievements, it makes me feel good about myself. It's just about love really, at the end of the day.

Thanks spring for explaining that - it's lovely to read that you were so happy for them.

I'd feel slightly dishonest saying my first graduation was terribly special, as it really wasn't - frankly I couldn't wait to get out of there. But I do feel it's a different kind of thing and I think your point about this being quite different and with fewer friends around might help them understand - I suspect I won't actually know a single other person there, and certainly no-one I know well will be there.

panda - ooh, good point!

Congratulations, Jericho, on your achievements. TBH, I only really bothered with my graduation ceremony at 21, because I knew it would make my parents proud and happy, even though they were never that pushy.
It really winds me up when MIL tries to do this with DH, as she was a neglectful mother and spent most of his teenage years spaced out on hard drugs. Er, no, MIL, he has succeeded despite you, not because of you.

I presume you funded your post graduate studies entirely by yourself.

In which case you can do as you please.