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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I am BU - but need some opinions!

26 replies

Whyisitalwayscloudyabove · 20/02/2012 20:42

My dd is 2yrs old - since she was 6mths old her godparents have looked after her once per week . They love her to bits.

However, lately a few things are really starting to irritate me and I'm not sure why... They are older than me (in thGeir late 40s, I'm in my 20s and they have 2 teenage children of their own) .

The main thing that has got me really annoyed is that my friend left my dd with her father for 10 mins whilst she popped out - I have only met this man once - a brief hello upon collecting dd from my friends house - I wouldn't recognise him in the street . My friend told me this in passing - as if it was an ok thing to do?!

On another occasion, my dd was returned to me in her car seat, with a thick padded coat on and the straps hanging off her shoulders . I'm very obsessive with car seat safety and this annoyed me .

My friends husband (also dd godparent ) constantly torments my dd - most of the time she laughs but I just don't feel comfortable with it - e.g . He takes her toys and teases her with them, if dd is reaching out for me he steals her away, takes her teddy and throws it across the room etc or if she is grumpy and falling asleep, he prods her and tries to take her off my knee etc .

The last occasion which really annoyed me was that dd was in her seat kicking her teddy - her godfather had said to her jokingly "if u kick your teddy im gonna kick you when we stop..." to which he then started play kicking her up the on the bottom whilst holding her shoulders (gently but continuously ) . Dd was laughing but I actually told him to stop .

Other minor things are such as me providing her lunch and them just giving her whatever they want , them telling me what dd needs / wants, taking her to houses of their family whom I have never met , and generally treating me like a kid and giving me unwanted parenting advice!

It has got to the point that if I am not at work on the scheduled day they have her , I don't send her . I trust them but they are starting to annoy me . Dc2 is due in a few weeks, And once I return to work, I don't think I want to re-instate the arrangement , but I know this will upset them and ruin our friendship .

Now, I am an absolute worrier when it comes to my dd - I only ever leave her when necessary and I'm very particular of who with. I am petrified of anything happening to my dd - you hear stories of abuse all the time! And I think this is partly why I'm so annoyed ESP with her being left with someone I dont know.

I have made a point of telling my friend not to leave her with anyone, or to not torment her as much or to not wear her coat in her seat as the straps slip off etc, but their attitude seems to be "we know best " because they see me as a kid.

Aibu a bit precious here ?

OP posts:
iago · 20/02/2012 20:45

Yes

FaithHopeAndKevin · 20/02/2012 20:48

Not sure that you are. I think it might be time for a few boundaries in your friendship. Having DC2 might be a natural break from them doing childcare for you.

ramblingmum · 20/02/2012 20:49

You say they have 2 teenage childen so they pobably feel they know what they are doing. As for taking here to visit they're friends or leaving her with her Dad ( for 10 mins) these are people they know and trust.

DinahMoHum · 20/02/2012 20:50

yabu

warthog · 20/02/2012 20:50

no i don't think you are.

you don't like how they are treating you or your dd. fair enough.

the thing to do really is to go and visit them with her. don't leave her with them and this issue is solved. when you're there, be the parent and don't hand the reigns over to them.

you're on difficult territory by them taking her to help you out.

after dc2 comes along, you could change the arrangement and visit all together and stop leaving her there. or you might find that you really welcome the break in which case, you might need to state your fears a bit more clearly.

ll31 · 20/02/2012 20:51

don't think any of things you describe are anything more than normal family behaviour - but also I dont see why you would think that deciding to change arrangement wouldn necessarily ruin friendship - surely it only will ruin it if you tell them you don't trust them which is essentially what you're saying. No child care arrangement lasts forever -just do it with a bit of finesse and friendship won't be ruined.

smoggii · 20/02/2012 20:51

You either want their help or you don't. If their help comes free and they are not causing her harm then YABU. You tell them what you don't like and if they don't stick to that you stop your DD going there and pay for childcare instead.

I don't necessarily agree with some of the things my parents do when they take care of my DD but they provide free childcare and don't do anything that would cause her harm so I say my piece if i don't agree with something then let it lie. Sometimes it's different rather than wrong.

Did you ask the circs of her leaving your DD with her father (who raised her and she trusts) for 10 minutes? She told you about it so wasn't trying to hide anything from you, it sounds like she took a calculated risk as we do when we leave our children with anyone.

JaneFonda · 20/02/2012 20:52

Do you pay them for the childcare?

catgirl1976 · 20/02/2012 20:55

Not really getting a lot pf your issues tbh - but if you don't like how they look after your DD for you, don't send her

Angiefernackerpan · 20/02/2012 20:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable, if you are unhappy with how they're looking after your dd. My dbs torment my dd 'all in good fun' and it drives me mad. I think it verges on bullying so I wouldn't want them to look after her all day, other family members think I'm being over-protective.

Maybe try to talk to them about your concerns, and work out alternative childcare if you're still not happy?

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 20/02/2012 20:58

Yes YABU.

LydiaWickham · 20/02/2012 20:58

I don't think you are, they might "know what they are doing" but actually, they know what they wanted to do for their child(ren), that doesn't mean you have to parent in the same way they did because they made the decisions as to what was best for their family and that's the only way to do things.

If you do'nt feel comfortable, then you are the one in charge, it's ok to stop this. It's very easy if someone is older and has 'done it all before' to defer to their decisions, but they don't know your DD as well as you and actually, your opinion about how to raise your DD is far more important than theirs ever will be.

As Faith says, you will have the 'natural break' having your next DC, you can be 'busy' on their days with things with your DD "making the most of your maternity leave time with both your children", then when you go back, your DD will be at the age to go to pre-school (you don't say what childcare you use when at work, is it nursery or CM?) suggest that's 'enough' time away from you, and say "thanks, but I don't need any childcare." just be evasive and have other plans, or only see them when you are there too and are 'the one in charge'.

I'd also suggest picking different godparents for DC2.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 20/02/2012 21:01

Sorry I think YABU. Is there any chance the increase in grumpiness is due to your pregnancy?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/02/2012 21:13

I'm in my mid 40s so alot of what they do doesn't seem that bad to me. The throwing toys, 'kicking' her bum, the lunch - it doesn't seem such a big deal as long as it's playful and they know when your DDs had enough.

BUT on the car-seat issue- I'd be furious.
I didn't let my dad (who has been driving nearly 50 years and has a blemish free liscence) drive my DCs, because I don't feel safe with him driving. (I nearly made him stop the car to let me and DS (who was a baby in a car seat ) out once because I was so annoyed at his driving. And yes I am perfect !

I think you need to stop them looking after your DD if you are not happy, but if they do in the future, pick your battles.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2012 21:17

Apart from the car seat thing

You are being very precious

And as for leaving the baby for 10 minutes, it was with the Godmother's own Dad for goodness sake.

warthog · 20/02/2012 21:21

i don't think teasing a 2 yo is very nice actually. people do this to my kids and they hate it. so why do it?

bigbuttons · 20/02/2012 21:21

I don't think you are BU. I would hate the teasing and kicking business, that would worry me a lot, and the car seat. I have 6 kids and I am so not precious.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 21:25

most two year olds normally giggle and screech with laughter when they are being teased... every single one that I know certainly does..

and not every man is a paedophile... god how I hate that ridiculous assumption.. it is no wonder that men feel so uncomfortable and unable to have fun with kids if this attitude exists... Hmm

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 20/02/2012 21:31

You are being somewhere way way beyond precious. And what squeaky said about the father. Actually - in a way - I hope they find out that you think that (because that is clearly what you DO think) and then they'll know exactly what kind of a person you really are.

desperatenotstupid · 20/02/2012 21:35

Two sides to this i think, firstly, the teasing would infuriate me - i wouldnt have it and this leads me to my second point, if you are not happy with the people who are caring for your child, find new child minders.

duckdodgers · 20/02/2012 21:44

You hear stories of abuse all the time!

Yep paedophiles everywhere, you better wrap your DD up in cotton wool and never let her out of your sight, only way to keep her safe eh! Hmm

calendula · 20/02/2012 21:47

You sound wildly overprotective about everything except the car seat. If you don't like your daughter being with her god parents then just stop sending her there. You need to make the choices that you feel comfortable with, but you can't expect others to adapt their behaviour to fit your overprotective fears.

If you are going to worry about every man you don't know being an abuser you can expect a stressful motherhood for many, many years to come.

bubbles1112 · 20/02/2012 21:50

yanbu
Your child, your choice!

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 21:51

I cant even see that the car seat is an issue really. Was she actually travelling like that, or had the straps slipped down as she wriggled to get out once the car stopped? Or was she actually IN the seat as they brought her in to you??

Bingdweller · 20/02/2012 21:51

If you're not happy with the arrangement then either look after your child yourself or arrange alternative childcare which oh will be happy with. Just out of curiosity, what is your relationship with these godparents? Something sounds a bit odd with this set-up......

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