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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to keep my pregnancy quiet for the moment?

17 replies

ANewPseudonym · 20/02/2012 17:40

Just looking for advice really, so go easy on me!

I'm about 10 weeks pregnant, hoping to have my 12 scan in a couple of weeks. Last time (with my DD, now 3) I told everyone after my scan.

I'm in an awkward situation. My best friend lost a baby last June at about 12 weeks, it was a missed miscarriage. I think they've been trying since then for another pregnancy.

I really don't know what to do, I sort of want her to get pregnant first. Would I be unreasonable to wait until then?

Last time, the role was reversed. I had had a miscarriage and she became pregnant soon after, so I know how much it hurts.

I don't know what to do. If everything is ok at the scan, I'd normally tell people then.

OP posts:

hanaka88 · 20/02/2012 17:46

I really don't know but bumping this

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 17:46

aww congrats I know you are worried and concerned about your friends feelings but i would tell people when you want .

tell grandparents first and tell people as you see them Im sure your friend will be pleased for you ,

It isnt your fault she miscarried , I know thats not the words i want to use but cant think of another way to say it ,

Original poster

ANewPseudonym · 20/02/2012 17:55

Thanks. The pregnancy was a bit of a surprise, so I'm not sure if I would have planned it like this. Feel a bit crap about it.

OP posts:

sinkingflameofhilarity · 20/02/2012 18:07

Tell her in a text/email then ring or face to face when shes had time to digest it.

Please please please don't not tell her. It's devastating to think that friends can't share good news.

But give the warning shot text first. It lets her cry and wail about the unfairness of it all, then pull herself together before seeing you. But do speak to her soon after.

OddBoots · 20/02/2012 18:07

You have no reason to feel bad for being pregnant, your pregnancy did not cause problems with hers, it is an understandable reaction but please try not to focus on it.

You should feel free to tell people whenever you feel comfortable doing so. She may not get pregnant until after it would be possible to hide it but you have no control over that.

It's lovely that you want to be kind to your friend and I hope she will appreciate that but you are still allowed to enjoy your pregnancy.

eurochick · 20/02/2012 18:17

Just try to tell her on her own rather than in a big crowd. You sound like a lovely friend.

Original poster

ANewPseudonym · 20/02/2012 18:27

Thank you all, she probably won't cry in front of me, but it's a good idea to tell her on her own.

OP posts:

nowittynamehere · 21/02/2012 08:39

I do think its a good idea would be more sensitve for your friend and im sure she will be pleased for you but still a little sad but thats ok what a lovely friend you are

montague · 21/02/2012 08:54

Having been in your friend's situation, I can say that I would much rather get a text or an email first, rather than be told face to face. As has been said, it gives your friend a chance to have her own reaction to the news in private. Then when you meet up she will have got herself together.

I would never want to upset a friend by my reaction to a pregnancy announcement and being told by text/email in advance means that I can get any emotions under control before I see her.

PopcornBiscuit · 21/02/2012 09:03

"I would much rather get a text or an email first, rather than be told face to face."

Agree. I think an email would be best.

porcamiseria · 21/02/2012 09:04

you dont have to tell anyone, and I really get it ref friend. when in doubt, do nowt XX

dandelionss · 21/02/2012 09:08

well I think it's common sense to wait until you've had your 12 week scan but after that I woyuld tell her.I know you are concerned about her feelings but you can't keep it a secret forever and I think TBH it's a little patronising an d nannyish not to tell her .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2012 09:09

If everything is OK and you'd normally tell people then do so. Your friend may be upset or she may not - but she'd be a poor friend if she wasn't happy for you. You can't spend your life treading on eggshells worrying. Don't let another person's bad experience spoil your enjoyment of your pregancy.

fallenpetal · 21/02/2012 09:15

Trouble with waiting is what if she doesnt fall pregnant before its so obvious you are? She will feel awful you put of your happiness because of her loss.

Id make her the first port of call after immediate family so she doesnt find out second hand and have to pretend to be happy for you when it feels the opposite for her. She will be happy for you I dont doubt but Id give her the opportunity to digest it before the grapevine starts its chatter.

For what its worth,I think you are a great friend I am glad you are so sensitive to her - I wish others had been when I miscarried. Its so hard to be happy outwardly when you are sad inside. Do it sooner rather than later then you can get used to your surprise and enjoy it.

Congratulations xxxxxxxxx

iloveblue · 21/02/2012 09:18

Speaking from experience, I would say tell her after the scan, at the same time as you tell everyone else.
I've had 3 mc's over the last 18 months including one at 20 wks. One of my best friends didn't tell me about her pregnancy (only me - she told everyone else several weeks before) until she was 11 wks, and only then because we were meeting up the next day and I would have noticed.
I know she did it out of kindness and concern - but it had the opposite affect. I would also agree with the telling her by text/email first so she has time to recover before seeing you/speaking to you face to face.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I wish you and your friend much luck and happiness

Anonymumous · 21/02/2012 09:55

Just tell her gently when you tell everyone else. The same thing happened to me - I lost a baby in October 2010 and my best friend got pregnant in March 2011 when we were still trying to conceive another. She looked so guilty and started off by saying, "You're going to hate me..." To be honest, I was a bit shocked that she thought I somehow wouldn't be happy for her, but it was still nice to know that she was thinking about my reaction and being sensitive to my feelings. And, incidentally, I'm glad she told me face-to-face as well - it was more personal and heartfelt than a text message. I guess that particular issue depends on your relationship and how close you are.

However, if I was you, I wouldn't let it be known generally that the baby wasn't planned. That could give rise to all sorts of resentful, "It's not fair - why does she get a baby when she didn't even want one and I lost mine?" thoughts. Desperate TTC-ers who have already had a miscarriage tend to get a bit irrational about such things - I should know!

Good luck - and congratulations!

Original poster

ANewPseudonym · 21/02/2012 10:27

Thanks everyone for all your further replies. I'll see what happens at the scan and I'll tell her before I tell anyone else. My husband, my mother and my sister all know but no-one else yet. TBH I don't know if I'm that excited to tell anyone really, it doesn't feel such 'big news' as my first if that makes any sense.

OP posts:

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