AIBU to find this hard to understand

[Toogreatexpectations]

Have name changed for this.

I am in the first trimester of pregnancy and have been open with everyone about how tough I've found it. I've had bad sickness and have been feeling really really low, which is exacerbated by the expectation I'd be feeling on top of the world at this time in my life. I've tried to explain this to my closest friends and family so they can try and understand if I'm not my normal self.

Comments I've had so far from close family and parents:

I think you're exaggerating how I'll you feel so you get out of doing stuff and get waited on.

Come on, snap out of it.

And the one that has left me questioning my sanity 'why are people excited you are pregnant?'

Now, is it me being hyper sensitive or as I tried to be open about how I've been feeling could they be making a little more effort to mind what they say?

Do you think you've maybe laboured (sorry for the pun) the point and they're fed up of hearing it? Don't forget - pregnancy is pretty common, we all came about because of one.,

YANBU. I was really low during the my pregnancy of DC2 and was open with my family and a few friends who were all lovely. How about your partner? Are you getting support from them? Perhaps they should read a leaflet from your GP as antenatal depression is common (and hideous).

Please don't listen to them. What really helped me was getting some exercise even though it was the last thing I felt like doing!

Congratulations - it does pass.

They are strange comments to make imo. So either your friends and family are horrible. Or you are not being realistic about how you are actually coming across. It is really hard to tell from just a post on the internet which it is.

Lisaro does have a point though - perhaps it is the way you are presenting it?

Oh you poor thing :(

It is horrible when you are feeling rubbish and try to explain to everyone why, then you just get it thrown back in your face.

You should probably ask to have this moved to pregnancy though as having it in AIBU will not make you feel one bit better!

Pregnancy is not the same experience for everyone. Some people sail through it, the vast majority get through it and lots of women struggle through it to varying degrees.

I used to get "pregnancy isn't an illness you know". Usually it comes from women who have children already, and believe me when you've gone through labour and at least two years of parenting you'll realise pregnancy is the easy bit :o

The one about "why are people excited you are pregnant" is a bit odd though. Is there more behind this OP?

Maybe it is the way I've handled it. I told them all because I would rather spend time alone at the moment as I'm very low and tearful and didn't want anyone to think I was in a mood with them or avoiding them. They aren't horrible people at all. I suppose I just feel a bit like I'm being kicked when I'm down when they probably just want me to be happy and aren't sure how to help.

maybe you're being a bit too open with how you're feeling. Sometimes just a "I quite fancy being on my own for a bit" will suffice. Real friends understand.

Keep an eye on your mood though... if it carries on, or you're worried about it speak to the GP or midwife. There is such a thing as ante natal depression.

agree with lisaro, pregnancy is VERY common you know. I say this kindly, with DS1 I did make a drama of it. with Ds2, I had no time !!!!
maybe downplay it a bit, and see GP as you might have pre natal depression

Are they trying to be helpful and understandably because of how you are feeling you are misinterpreting it. For example:
you - Nobody seems to be excited about my pregnancy - nobody cares.
friend - well people do care and are happy for you you are pregnant
you - but nobody is excited
friend - well why would people be excited you are pregnant? They will be happy for you, but maybe not excited in the way you mean.

or you: everything is awful. I feel so ill, so low and just don't feel like carrying on
friend: You need to snap out of this way of thinking. I know you feel awful, but it will pass.

I am NOT saying this is what has happened. But I am struck that you are saying these people are not horrible and so I wonder if they are trying to be helpful, but you are hearing something different. When you are very low this can slant how you hear and interpret things.

My DP has bipolar and when down does this. We will be with friends who will be trying to be nice, but later dp will claim they were horrible - when they honestly weren't.

The last comment was a bit too harsh!

I think you do have to remember that there are a lot of people that have been pregnant, and while it's a massive deal for you, it's still a very common thing. Feeling crap and tired is also common, so I don't think pregnant women deserve any special treatment from anyone other than their DH/DP. There are also a lot of people that find it hard to give sympathy when they have felt the same, or worse, and had to look after a toddler or older child or children.

That said, you would think your close friends and family would be a bit more understanding, even if they think YABU and are just putting up with it.

Sorry - I really did not mean to be harsh.

Thank you for all your comments. I do agree it is easy to misinterpret things when you feel like this but im not sure I am entirely. Eg. The whole conversation for one of my quotes above was this...

I was telling a close family member how much I had been cheered up by telling a relatively new friend the news I was pregnant. I said she was ever so excited and asked if she could tell a couple of other people we both know as she was so happy and couldn't wait to tell them knowing they'd be happy too.

Family member then said to me 'why are people excited you are pregnant?'

I hope I am misinterpreting it. I'm not sure I get it otherwise.

It is always hard to tell just from postings. But from what you typed it doesn't sound as if your friend was being horrible. But it does sound as if they have low emotional intelligence and didn't understand why somebody would be excited about a friend's pregnancy. I know someone like this who couldn't understand why a friend who had her house broken into but nothing stolen was upset (they didn't take anything after all). So yanbu

I think you may be reading too much into that comment. It's natural for people to be excited about their friends having a baby, I am ridiculously excited about my best friend having her first.

I think that comment is one that says a lot more about the person that said it than anything else. Does this person have their own fertility issues or any reason to feel threatened by your expanding family?

Really, just put it down to the fact that some people are arses, and some people suffer with foot in mouth disease.

headfairy - I would sooner go through labour and delivery 20 times over than face another 9 months of hyperemesis and severe anaemia (complicated by allergy to/intolerance of every iron preparation known to man).

That aside, IME comments such as these are made by people who have no understanding or experience of how dreadful some pregnancies can be.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

Some people are rubbish at coping with people who are unhappy, and it's best to not confide in those people in order to avoid feeling worse.

It's a shame it has to be like this, but that is life.

As for someone not understanding why pregnancy is exciting, I feel a bit sorry for them. Maybe they are jealous and being a bitch?

toogreatexpectations, I found early pregnancy hellish, but now I enjoy being a mother so much that if I feel sick for any reason now, I always associate it with happiness. I'm not sure I'm making myself clear, just trying to say it can be horrible, but will be worth it, ( and so much worth it that lots of people probably forget how horrible it might have been!)

Best wishes to you

I disagree that pregnancy is the easiest bit compared to labour and the first two years after birth. It is different for everyone. I found morning sickness during the first trimester to be far worse than labour or looking after two children under three. I would gladly have gone through labour twice with my second child than have to endure morning sickness.

But people are not sympathetic about morning sickness. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is easier OP.

The comment about why are people excited about your pregnancy is just ridiculous, but not uncommon. Maybe they take it for granted that everybody can get pregnant, and fail to see that getting pregnant and staying that way is an exciting and amazing thing.

Could the comment be fishing for details about what your excited friend is excited about. For example they might have said that they were excited that their child would have a cousin, or they were excited because they felt that you and your husband would make great parents...

Does the family member know how close you are to the friend and the background- does friend have kids, how do you know each other etc.

I loved being pregnant, but only bits of it, in hindsight. And the end of the second pg was terrible - couldn't wait for it to be over.

I know I'd be absolutely miserable if I had morning sickness.

I hope you feel better soon. And please try and stop the "shoulds and oughts" - they make things worse, both during pg and when you have children You don't need to put pressure on yourself.

sorry if I upset anyone about my comment about pregnancy being the easiest part, I was being far too flippant of course!

OP I think your family member may have been a bit puzzled why someone would be really excited about you being pg - rather than say, very happy for you. I think maybe you misinterpreted what your family member was saying to you.

I hope you feel better soon, the first bit (for me :o) was quite hard work, the exhaustion overwhelming at times, and I did get a lot of comments along the line of "it's not an illness you know" from my sister particularly . My advice? Rise serenely above any hurtful comments and try to enjoy being pregnant, the good bits eventually outweigh the bad bits.

Thanks everyone for your comments and good wishes. It's good to get some perspective. If I don't start feeling less miserable soon I will mention it to GP, was expecting to feel crap after the birth, not this much before!

There's feeling crap and there's feeling crap. I'm by no means an expert on depression, but feeling tired and weepy is one thing (and I think fairly normal, esp in early pregnancy - all those hormones!) but feeling perpetually down is another thing all together.

I think people forget that pregnancy is not the same for everyone. Some people breeze through the 9 months and don't need extra support and allowances amde for them. Others though get very ill and rundown during pregnancy and do need extra help and support. It is ridiculous to say that a pregnant women should never need extra allowances made for them.

I had a completely problem free pregnancy and was able to do everything I would normally do right up until DD was born. My friend who was pregnant at the same time was dog sick for the first 5 months then had terrible back pain and insomnia for the last 3 and needed lots of extra help. I'm not stronger or better than my friend who had the difficult pregnancy but our experiences were very different.