To expect my mum to live on her own and not with us

[Loonybun]

(The decision has already been made but I'm getting fed up with my mum implying passive aggressively that I am being unreasonable... )

Okay this is very long so I will try and keep this as short as I can! This is my first post on mumsnet so please be gentle!

I am in my thirties and currently 24 weeks pregnant with a second child (a ds) with my fiance who I have been with several years now.

We are getting married in 3 weeks. I also have a dd aged 9 from a previous relationship who my partner regards as his own and dd loves my fiance to bits. Dd is very excited about having a baby brother etc etc.

I have lived with my mother all of my life and we have had equal shares in the houses we owned (long story).

She is 63, very active - she used to have health concerns (both physical and mental, was in and out of mental hospitals when I was a child) but in the last 5 years she has been fine and now works, goes for long walks etc.

She has been married twice and divorced my dad when I was 12. She has not had any long term relationships since and basically is quite sexist and anti men for want of a better way of putting it (she is extremely bitter). She has no friends. None whatsoever. Just work acquaintances.

I was married previously, we all lived together. I was worked full time in a very well paid job when dd was small. My mum stepped in and looked after dd for me when I was working. I am very grateful for this. In return my then husband and I paid all the bills on the house, she contributed nothing (as she was looking after dd).

My then husband (after 6 years) basically decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore and went back to his ex before me. I then had to downsize our house with my mum and my dd. I was also made redundant at around the same time (isn't life great) and decided I didn't want to work full time anymore due to my own health issues. I returned to work part time, 16 hours a week. This seems to have started a chain of events....

Obviously I was at home more so took over the role of stay at home mum that my mum previously held (if that makes sense). I then met my fiance and he moved in with us. It has become clear since being at home more than I was before that my mum and I are fundamentally very different. I like order and cleanliness, she has 3 dogs and is excessively messy in my opinion. There is mud and hair all over the house. She is very bitter about life in general and men in particular. I don't want this anymore.

I realised that in my last marriage I was married to my mum more than to my husband (went on holiday with mum and dd, went out with mum during days off, leaving husband at home dogsitting her dogs- he wanted this, I didn't push him out, if anything he just couldn't be bothered). But in this relationship things are different. It's like I have ended up divorcing my mum and now have a healthy, normal relationship at last!

We got engaged, I got pregnant despite both of us having fertility issues and trying to conceive for a long time. In fact we found out we were pregnant the same day our appointment for ivf dropped through the letterbox.

My mum is a heavy drinker (every night) and has been quite abusive towards me and my partner so we decided all things considered that it would be best to buy her out of the house. She went into total meltdown "after all i've done for you!" screaming at me at 3am, telling me to fuck off (dd was at her dad's at these times).

She looked after my terminally ill gran at home when she died of cancer (I was 23 at the time and also helped looked after gran) and she seems more focused on the fact I don't feel able to do this for her, rather than anything else! Does that make me a terrible person??

We have remortgaged to pay her half of the house, she has brought (currently being completed at solicitors) a house literally 10 mins down the road from us. I will be clear as I have been to her, I am NOT cutting her out of our lives.

I would still like her to look after dd whilst I work (I do not want to cut down contact with dd for her and dd's sakes). I still want to have a "normal" mother - daughter relationship. However, she seems to be so angry with me wanting to live on my own with my own small family that she does not want this.

It's like she wants nothing to do with me. I would like her to come round for dinner, to go on days out (even tho she won't because she won't leave her 3 older dogs more than 2 hours to go anywhere!!) with me and the children, to go round and see her most days!

We are waiting for the house to complete, our remortgage comes through this week and living with her is so hard as she is so angry with me. Even today she is slamming doors and saying "I never wanted any of this".

Why can't she just be happy for me? If dd met someone and had a family and wanted me to be part of that I would be over the moon for her and be excited to be part of it all in whatever way I could.

Mum is scared of living on her own, I understand that. But it's a toxic environment for all of us living like this. Not to mention we will be overcrowded when ds arrives... and he's a boy! My mum is very sexist! I just hope she is not going to be sexist around my son.. She already drives my fiance up the wall with it all.

Wow I am sorry. That is so long. Oops.

I needed to off load. I feel like a terrible person.

Bloody hell, you're doing the right thing. Ignore her strops and threats.

Yes what sandyballs said

Thank you. She has a way of making me feel I am the worst human being alive. She's going to be on her own, no body cares about her, she's done everything for me and I'm turfing her out to fend for herself etc etc.

I feel like I am the mother and she is the teenager. It's very difficult.

Thanks again.

Be strong and do what you feel you need to do to move on and have a family life of your own. Your Mum must be scared, and perhaps feels that she's been pushed out by your fiancé, which won't help her issues with men. But she isn't being reasonable, don't let her manipulate you with emotional blackmail.

You are not a terrible person! You only want what most people take for granted. You still want to be a good daughter and spend time with your mum. What's terrible about that? I'm sure your Mum will accept things when she's settled on her own.

I understand the difficulty because of her mental health condition. If it was just a matter of her behaviour, then it would be easier to be a lot tougher.

However, it isn't your responsibility tobe there 24/7 for her. You are entitled to build your own life, as you want it.

It must be very scary for her, but you are doing all that you can to ease her fears.

Tbh i would play the whole relationship and the contact with the children by ear, they don't deserve to suffer in any way. The thing that you need to guard against is that your DD doesn't start to feel responsible for her.

You are not going to change your mum, it's about setting bounderies about what you will accept from her, in regards to bad behaviour. She has gotten used to relying on you, that was wrong, on her part.

You are only responsible for your children.

"She has a way of making me feel I am the worst human being alive."

Nodoubt that she has got that down to a fine art, ignore.

Ask her how many of your neighbours have their mothers living with them and challenge her on why she expects so much from you.

Yanbu

I think you are doing the right thing, but I think you do need to be sympathetic and supportive towards your Mum. From what you said the two of you have always lived together, it must be scary and unsettling for her to feel she is being pushed out now, and changes are happening that she has no control over. Hopefully once the dust has settled, you will end up with the more normal Mother, Daughter relationship that you are hoping for!

I think that the issue for her might be that the boundaries have been blurred. She really might feel that you were happy to live with her when it suited you, but that now you have a 'better offer' you're casting her aside.

Not saying I think that you are, but I can see why she might be able to put that slant on it.

Unfortunately, I think you have all blurred the boundaries somewhat and maybe she just didn't really expect the situation to ever change. I think she probably is scared that it is.

Of course that doesn't excuse her current behaviour and I wouldn't want to be around her either.

I agree with FolkGirl.

I wonder whether the fact that you are saying you want the childcare part to continue is annoying her. She is losing the part of the relationship that has benefitted her, while you are getting the keep the part that helps you...

YANBU and if she drinks every night and has mental health issues I'm not sure that she should be caring for your daughter in the daytime. Something similar happened to me with my gran and I wound up covering for her and looking after her a lot, all in all it wasn't a position I should have been put in as a child.

Totally agree with FolkGirl. I think it's a tricky relationship with parents, especially ones who have mental health problems.

Maybe you need to sit down and have a chat with her. Does she still want to look after your child? Maybe she doesn't know how to say no.

I agree with Folkgirl & Alibaba.

I can understand why you want, what you want - but it does seem as though now you have a better offer you are off - & sod her :(

YANBU its your life.
TBH I wouldn't live with my homegrown DC's even if you paid me.

thank you. Just to be clear my mum does not have mental health issues anymore. She is as sane as anyone else, does not take medication, and has not seen a psychiatrist since I was 8. I am now mid thirties. Its is not a mental health issue. Stress, yes but not mentally ill. I just pointed it out as a way of saying I have always felt responsible for her.

I am not particularly worried if she wants to look after dd or not for me. I can arrange child care. I suggested this as a way of saying I wasn't taking dd away from her. I am always asking her on days out with us and she never wants to come as she says she cannot leave the dogs.

Thank you for all your replies.

I agree with folkgirl. My dm lives on her own now all her ds have moved out and dd has passed away. She thinks we r all ungrateful and busy living our own lives. She is also very bittter and resentful and has no friends

Your dm must feel like she is bring pushed out. It is a bit cheeky to continue to ask for help with childcare IMO.

I think you should find other childcare just till it calms down all this is a bit of a blow to your mum even though she is being Vu but she will see it as you both stayed together and now she isnt good enough for you , which of course isnt true , you are doing the right thing moving out probably shouldve done it years ago then your mum wouldnt be so available to you , I hope she calms down and finds somewhere near you to live , But YABU wanting her to continue looking after your daughter while things are so tense ,

Is your mum worried that if she gets ill (like her mum) she will be left alone and you won't help? Maybe you could reassure her of stuff like that. But of course you should move out, what parent wants their children to say caged with them all their lives? Maybe she can develp a social life of her own now (my DM is out more in her 70s than I was in my 20s!)

Oh sorry she has a house near you i guess this will blow over and your mum will learn to live her own life ,

Thanks... I'm really surprised that a few people think I'm being cheeky by assuming mum will continue looking after dd for the few hours a week before and after school 2 days a week... I wasn't being cheeky at all by assuming this, I know she would be totally distraught if I had suggested or arranged otherwise - dd is her whole world and she already feels pushed out enough as it is despite my reassurances... I thought I was being nice. Good to see different points of view.

I'm hoping things will calm down. I really want a relationshipwith my mum , I just don't know if we can find a way through all this anger. I know in many ways this is all my own fault. I suppose being very honest I didn't feel strong enough to move out on my own as it were until I met my partner. My last two relationships have been awful and I've been closer to my mum than to them but as mums getting older she's becoming more and more bitter and I've become more independent (taken me a long time I know!!)

She always says she isn't interested in meeting a partner or new friends as she only cares about "her family" - ie us. I do feel very sad for her and the situation, and I have reassured her I will do my best to care for her when she is older. It is so hard.

She's probably in shock that what she thought was the status quo for the rest of her life has fallen to pieces round her ears - you are asking her to change everything she's had and done for the past however many years, and expecting her to just say "yes dear" and get on with it. I don't think you're wrong, or unreasonable to want to change things, you will be married soon and have a new baby on the way and want your family space and all that, but from her point of view it could seem like the end of the world.
As hard as it is, just cut her a bit of slack and have patience, even if it's with teeth firmly gritted, and once she gets used to her new home and sees "the lay of the land" she'll probably be fine. She might even find she prefers it, having her own space, and privacy and suchlike.

You haven't mentioned it. But your first marriage would have been different if your mother was not there. Things might have ended differently if their were 2 people rather than 3 in the relationship.
I cant word clearly what I am trying to say, sorry. But yes you need clearer boundaries this time round. Try to explain that to your Mother too.

loony it must be really hard for you and you want your mumt o feel proud you are strong enough to move on i think she is raw Im sure it will work out , My mil was the same she didnt have friends or want another man after her divorce she was a wonderful woman but very clingy , I hope it works out for you all , its going to be a tough few weeks but im sure she will come round ,

Saying all that matters to her is her family is putting undue pressure on you, she must see how unfair that is.

Yea, it must be a huge upheaval for her, as someone said her status quo is being uprooted.

Doesn't give her the right to react towards you like that tho. It must be very difficult for you and I give you credit for wanting to branch out in your own home with your own family.

I agree with keeping her looking after your DD. That is so part of her identity. Just take care she doesn't rope your daughter into her drama.

I hope she settles in well into her new home and finds a whole new exciting, (relaxed) life, her with the dogs (and you up the road!).

Give her time and try not to raise to the bait (too much!).

Family dynamics can be so draining....