Am i being unreasonable not to go into work

[Dunon]

Hi, first time poster so please forgive spelling and grammar and epic rant. DW suggested i posted here about this issue i'd like some perspective on.

I've have been ill since Friday with a virus. I still went into work on Friday, then slept most of the weekend and i am still feeling a bit grotty. My job is pretty stressful. DW has also come down with this virus. We have a 2yo DD, who thankfully seems to be fine. DW family helped out over the weekend, but no one is free now and we can't afford more child care. I decided to call in and stay home so as not to leave DW trying to look after DD in this state, and as i'm still not well himself i thought it was the right move.

Just had my boss texting him saying how he's really let him down and that we need a better "back up process" this has really angered me, my bosses attitude is that of "there is no excuse you should be in work sickness doesn't exist as he is never ill".

Just for a bit of background, I am at 24 days out of 50 through my sickess allowance, i was signed off with a chest infection earlier this year for 19 days and had a few days of stress related issue for the remaining 5. I have only ever taken 1 day parental leave.

i have some examples of other situation that have happened that have left me quite angry

1. Last year i had to cash in half of my holiday allowance as i didn't take it and every time i do take time off, i get the you've "let us down" speach.

2)A few weeks ago a close relative of DW past away, when i requested a few days off to be able to take DW to the funeral (it was up north 6 hr drive there and back so wanted to stay over night etc). the response was less then pleasant or sympathetc and in the end we had to put three days child care on a credit card so DW trained up to the funeral and i stayed at home with DD.

3. DW was sick with pneumonia, she was signed off, I still went into to work, on the understanding if she couldn't cope with DD she could call me and I would come home. arranged with boss - she called around 3pm so I went and my boss again was less than supportive.

so should i feel bad about wanting to look after my family or am i being unreasonable??

So if your DW suggested you post here, what is her take on all of this?

You have "down-time" as well as 50 sick days!!!

I suspect the answer is no. You have a lot of days off sick because your employer is enabling this behaviour. You are being unreasonable but your employer should look at their terms amd think about changing them. They can't really complain about sick days when they are paying for so many of them.

It's not unusual for big companies to have generous sick payments - I get 6 months full pay where I work. However, they will be accompanied by strict sick absence processes which mean after X amount of days off, you will get absence warnings, and, if poor absence continues, this can lead to eventual dismissal. It certainly isn't an 'allowance' where nothing happens until you reach the unpaid part of it.

OP's boss should take his personal frustrations out of this and just follow the HR agreed process, so both OP and the boss know where they stand. As it is, both sides feel aggrieved, both are perhaps right to some extent, but they aren't solving anything.

i think the Boss is the one being unreasonable.

you took 19 days for a chest infection - you were signed off by the doctor? i assume, is that's perfectly legit.
you took other days for "stress-related" illness, which speaks for itself,
and you're poorly and your wife is poorly, so that's reasonable too.

the bit i hate most is that your boss begrudged you time to go to a funeral

i totally disagree with the yabuers - that's not a human attitude.

how much you get paid for sick is irrelevant - if you didn't et paid, your chest infection wouls have been covered by ssp

I wish...

He took three days off for a funeral! A funeral that he didn't even attend! That is just taking the piss, there is no need for it at all.

19 days off for a chest infection is fair enough, but a committed employee would put extra effort in when he got back to compensate for the extra effort his colleagues had to put in while he was away. He wouldn't talk of down time and take three days of for a funeral.

I wonder if he even asked if it could be taken as unpaid parental leave?

I think the problem is that you aren't taking your holiday entitlement. This is leaving you stressed and run down, prone to stress-problems and a very bad chest infection. You then call in sick because that's the only way you get a break, but this makes you look bad. I would do two things a) get temporary child-care for emergencies or perhaps your wife could have managed on her own just for a few hours unless at deaths door b) book a meeting with your manager/HR and explain the vicious circle (no holiday= more sick days) and that you are going to book your holiday this year (to which you are entitled) and then be as present as possible at every other time.

What I think some people are forgetting is the OP isn't too sick to go to work today.

He's having a day off because they have no childcare.

He's angry with his boss's 'attitude' and the fact his boss told him he needs a 'better back up process'

Then he goes on to ask "so should i feel bad about wanting to look after my family or am i being unreasonable??"

So even if the OP didn't have a poor attendance history, I'd still say he is being unreasonable because they do need a better back up process.

I agree Ciske. They should have clear and legally compliant HR procedures in place to try to avoid confusion like this.
I'm surprised at many of the replies on here RE sick leave actually. If you're ill enough to be signed off, what can you do? Should everyone who needs a period of time off seriously ill be taken out of the workforce for everyone else's convenience? The failure is partly theirs and they've admitted it in that they don't have a back up plan.

I agree Worral. As usual!

It depends how often you ask for time off to support DW really?
Whilst your time off for your chest infection was unavoidable, your boss may well just see that you've had lots of time off and should be trying to compensate by going the extra mile.

In general I think that it's unprofessional to take time off for DW's benefit - your boss is right that you do need a backup plan, or (sadly) she has to just manage alone. If you are doing that a lot I can see that your boss may well think you are taking the P. IME when a project has just gone into testing is a time when you want everyone on hand (in case it goes totally bellyup) so I can fully see today is particularly not a good day.

I work for a company that is pretty good about letting me have time off for family reasons - the flip side is that I work above and beyond my "official" duties the rest of the time (to show myself a "good" employee) and only ask for the time when I really need it.

yes but SSP is nothing like full pay. Most people who will only get ssp would avoid having time off sick unless it really was unavoidable. The OP said he is not sick today but wants to stay home to help his wife who is. That's not his bosses problem.

Whatever you think about his bosses track record with the funeral etc doesn't alter that fact that the OP wants a day off, paid, to look after his child because his wife is under the weather. What would happen to the already poor state of British industry if everyone did that? it is totally unreasonable.

So you are having a day off because your wife has a virus?

Yabu

You would be on monitored attendance in my place of work (nhs) with your history of days off.

Firstly, 24 days off is neither here or there. To everyone who is going 'wow, you've had 24 days off sick, I've never had that much time off, YABU now whatever you are trying to say!' etc, I'd say you should count yourself lucky. I work in a profession where good health is essential form a safety point of view - it is impossible to do the job even with relatively mild illnesses or injuries. Yet in 12 years I only had 9 days off sick. Hurray for me - I am clearly a genius, and so much more worthy than people who had 24 days off! And then I broke my leg and had 4 months off. Illness or injury can happen to anyone - it's a bit unfair to judge someone on it.

However, the OP's boss is right about him needing a more robust back up plan. If your wife is not well, it's not a good enough reason for you to take paid time off. If your wife is too sick to be able to look after your child (and I am assuming you have explored the 'get her on the sofa with CBeebies on for the child and leave a plate of sandwiches for them for lunch' option? That worked for us when I broke my leg and was completely immobile for a couple of weeks, and we've got 2 very young kids.) I'm afraid back up plans and short notice childcare are just part of the deal of having kids.

The boss is unreasonable to huff and puff about you taking contracted leave though, you should not have to take part of it paid as you feel pressured not to take time off for leave. You need to talk about this, although annual leave and emergency cover are 2 different issues.

Finally, I am not sure this poster is all he seems - there are a couple of slip ups where it appears he is writing about himself as a third person, eg.
not well himself i thought it was the right move.

"boss texting him saying how he's really let him down"

and

"still not well himself i thought it was the right move."

Are we sure this is not actually his wife typing it?

Oh is this going to be a reverse aibu?

Backinthebox I noticed that and assumed the wife was typing too

Well spotted backinthebox!

I agree that 24 days sick isn't a huge amount, it includes one spell of long term sick and I assume it doesn't happen every year. Nor do I feel there is a moral obligation to work twice as hard when you get back from sickness to 'make up' for being ill. You need to get well, recover, and then return to the expected standard of work and attendance. Nothing more, nothing less.

However, poor working relations and lack of process has caused the whole situation to get muddled up so the OP now feels entitled to take unneeded sick absence to make up for past grievances. Obviously that's not the way forward.

OP in these specific circumstances YABU. Your paid sick leave is not there for when your wife is sick. Your boss is right using your sick leave 'entitlement' should not be your back up plan in this situation. You either take it as annual leave or organise child care. I would have been pissed if I was him to.
In relation to the number of days off already. If your sick your sick. 19 days s a huge amt of time for ar chest infection but you were signed off so fair enough. However if you were my employee I would expect you to be cognisant of the fact that you have already taken a lot of time off and to make an effort to not take more than is strictly necessary after that. You are clearly not doing this as you are now looking for more sick leave even though not sick.
In other instances 1) Your boss is BU. You are entitlled to your AL and should make sure you take it all. 2) When you say close relative of your wife do you mean a parent or sibling? Because in any job I or DH have had these are the only ILs for which compassionate leave was granted. If it was then boss was BU. if not then YABU I'm afraid. Considering the amt of time you have had already I think taking 3 days for any other relative is pushing it. Unless it was annual leave of course which should have been allowed. 3) Not sure on this one. Feel your bosses response was probably coloured by number of days already taken. I know in these circumstances DH would not have taken time off as sick leave but may have taken half day annal leave.

I think it is understandable that your employer is concerned you have no back up plan for childcare, especially when your level of sickness absence is already high.

It's not so much the 19 days certificated long term absence you need to worry about, it's the persistent short-term absence which will potentially get you into trouble.

You are feeling "a bit grotty", though well enough to work, but you have called in sick because your wife has a virus! That's really not on, and your employer's response is reasonable in the circumstances.

You need to look at your employers sickness absence policy - the amount of paid sickness absence entitlement does not mean you are "allowed" to have 50 days off on full pay without your employer having anything to say about it! I think you and your wife both need to wake up to the fact that you could lose your job if you carry on like this.

you say that you had to put 3 days childcare on the credit card and in the same sentance you say that you took time off to look after the children - now what is correct here, if they had paid childcare why were you off work,
if you were off work why did you need childcare.
i get the impression that you use 'sick allowance' when you should be booking annual leave - if YOU are not ill then 'sick leave' is not what you take, you take holiday instead, especially as you have plenty of leave entitlement
as an employer i would have no trouble with you being off when you were genuinely ill yourself, but to be taking sick leave when you are well enough to work is taking the piss - it is not the problem of your employer that you cannot afford child care
if you were only paid SSP then i think you may have a different attitude

I do have to say though, that if your boss is being that unreasonable about you takign your holiday allowance, maybe you could talk about taking this day as holiday.

I'm interested to also know when you request annual leave.

If my staff request it once the rota is done it is an absolute flat no. The rotas are done in the first week of the month for the following month. They are all well aware of that rule, and when the rota will be done to make any requests.

If you're asking at short notice then the fault lies with you, not your boss. Likewise if you are asking for time off when other people already have it. If not, then your boss is not being fair and you need to address it with them.

Aside from that, I would not be happy if I were your boss. You seem to have a very entitled attitude, and a shitty attitude towards work. 2 periods of absence, one for 4 weeks and one for a week followed by a request for time off to attend a funeral of your spouse's relative, changed to time off to look after the children and then ringing in sick even though you're well enough to work wouldn't sit well with me at all.

What do you think lone parents do when they're poorly and have children to look after?

I think the problem here is not your sickness or days off, but that you do not have a backup plan. If your job is the type of job in which things HAVE to be completed on the day and that if you don't complete them the whole work day could come to a standstill, then YABU.

Surely after your boss's first "you've let us down" speech it should have occured to you to come up with some kind of back up? For example if your job is practical, then perhaps offer to do all the paperwork at home/in the morning and then go home?

YANBU for wanting to look after your family, very good infact, but seriously did you really need to take time off to lookafter your DD whilst your DW went to a funeral? Surely you have some money saved up for emergency childcare, and if you don't then you need to start thinking about it...BACK UP PLAN..eh eh??!!!!

I thought i would just update you, i've gone and seen the MD, we are working stuff out.

Well I hope all gets resolved to everyone's satisfaction. Out of interest,did you get the replies on the thread that you anticipated?