Do i apply for maintanace after 6yrs of saying i wouldnt

[dandydorset]

AIBU

background

divorced 10 yrs ago,1 child through IVF,infertility was my side and was told would never concieve naturaly

met a new patner a year or so after we both got on great,i did check with GP about contraception just out of conversation and he said i didnt need any as of my history

a good few months later i found out i was pregnant naturally

was a huge shock i had come to terms with not being able to have anymore children,bf didnt want anymore as he had 3,1 he never saw or paid an adult now,2 from previous marraige that he did pay for but always moaned about paying and didnt really make much effort to see them

as soon as we found out his whole personality changed,made it clear he wanted me to terminate,i couldnt,and he accussed me of making the infertility up,anyway we limped along for a few months then i suppose we both finished it,i was heartbroken never have felt like that and never want to again

he came to to scans, then got with somebody else,left me to hear it through others,never supported me through pregnancy in anyway

when babe was born,not at birth it took 3wks for him to see him,my sons now six and seen him a total of 3 times never once bought a xmas present/birthday and never payed maintance (i felt that as id told him i couldnt have kids and he didnt want more,i felt i couldnt expect help)

im proud and stubborn that ive got this far without his support but deep down still have issues as id of dearly loved to have bought my son up together,i hate that my sons father dosent seem bothered at all

hear the odd thing about him,his other two kids no longer dependent on him and im thinking of going back to work this year,it will be tight but if i applied for money i would get approx £40 a wk which would make a hiuge difference,but i still feel that i should not apply for it as i never have and said i wouldnt ask him

but my minds changing,what do you ladies think,im feeling a cow for even thinking this,yes at the moment im on benefits and do see the argument why should the public purse pay when he can but im really looking for the personal opinions of youirs

thanks

Sorry but even with the fertility issues, if he didn't want more kids he should have put something on it (I'm channeling JK).

But he has a moral obligation to pay for his child so of course you should claim.

But he has a moral obligation to pay for his child
No he doesn't. He has a legal one, but not a moral one.

I would apply. I agree that even if you don't feel happy using the money, you can put it away for your ds later in life.

Sorry, I disagree, I think he has both.

you make a good point about for my sons future,im on my own and its difficult sometimes as i know it is for many

thought asking here u get a frank opinion without involvment,

my ex hubby has never payed either but was a fantastic dad,he is no longer alive,im sure if my 6yr olds dad had made contact effort i wouldnt be feeling so vengeful i suppose,

Of course you should get child maintenance from him. It was just as much of a shock to you as to him that you got pregnant, and you've shouldered all the responsibility. Why shouldn't he take on a tiny part of it too? Unplanned pregnancy is stressful for both parents but at the moment only one is allowed to walk away consequence free, and only if you let him. You should in no way feel guilty or more responsible than him just because you have a uterus (and thus did most of the pre-natal work in producing a child so he ought to bloody well be doing some now). If he was so determined never to have any more children he was morally obligated to get a vasectomy anyway but clearly didn't. But that's beside the point as it's not as if you decided to take a risk anyway, it was just as much of a surprise to you to find out you weren't infertile.

I cant see how you are anymore to blame than he is so dont see why he should get out of paying legally or morally. If he really didnt want anymore he should have used contraception.

i suppose because i went a head with the pregnancy i should do it myself,but 6yrs later my minds changing

just to add he didnt want to go on birth certificate,

reading this i sound a right soft cow dont i

That money is funds that your son is entitled to, yes apply for maintenance.

I don't think anyone could fault you for doing what's best for your DS.

I never understand women who don't persue maintainance. You both had sex, you equally created a child. Never mind that you chose to continue with the pregnancy, he chose to walk away from his responsibilities. Fair enough, if he doesn't want to see his son, but he cannot expect to pretend he doesn't exist. As someone pointed out, he has a legal responsibilty to provide.

The only 100% guarantee of not getting pregnant is abstinence. If you have sex, you take on board the fact that however slight there is a chance of pregnancy. Definitely claim maintainance.

thank you ladies,im starting to feel less split in my thinking

does anybody know what happens if his names not on the birth certificate,dna i pressume which i will gladly allow

It will only go to a DNA test if he deny's your ds. You should apply for child support, if only for your ds's sake. He is his father so should contribute.