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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to finish the decorating that was started 6 months ago...

17 replies

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 19/02/2012 12:54

The house is a state. We moved into MIL's hovel old house last summer and despite suggestions it would be easier to redecorate when it's empty DP insisted we do it after we moved in.

So we chose the colours, and the paint sat in the garage for a month. So one weekend when DP was working and the kids were at their dad's I took the initiative and started the decorating, only for DP to come home at the end of the day and start a row saying it wasn't my place to do that, how dare I decorate without asking him, that he would do it when he's ready etc etc.

So I downed tools and reset the room to how it was. And there it has stayed. I am so pissed off with him. We both work full time so our free time is precious but I am sick and tired of living like this. If I start it I KNOW he'll start another row about it, but if I don't do it then it will never get done!

Same with the garden fence. The recent strong winds knocked the rotten tired fence down and the neighbours have asked us to replace it (fair comment it is ours to replace) i'm happy to do this, as is my dad and my brother. DP, however, is not. Everything is stalled waiting for him to come on board with it rather than face him starting a row.

AIBU to just sod it, the row will happen anyway, either I will start it because i'm sick of living like this or he will start it because I've done the work that needs doing so best have a productive row because at least the work is done right?

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 19/02/2012 12:59

if you can do the work, then i would just do it.

if he starts an argument over it calmly say, well there is the paint brush feel free to use it.

peeriebear · 19/02/2012 12:59

Tell him that unless he starts work on the decorating on X a date (and finishes the job instead of doing a token amount to shut you up), you will be doing it on that date and he has no reason whatsoever to get shitty with you about it. Fair warning.

Allergictoironing · 19/02/2012 13:17

Have you considered that it may be something to do with the house having belonged to his mother? If you were able to move in because she had died, he may well be subconsciously not wanting to change anything from how she had the house.

LilacWaltz · 19/02/2012 13:23

I would ignore him and just do it....after all, he isn't bothered really is he? What's he doing right now?

kodachrome · 19/02/2012 13:37

He sounds a joy to live with.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2012 14:14

"I took the initiative and started the decorating, only for DP to come home at the end of the day and start a row saying it wasn't my place to do that"

It wasn't your place? What the hell does he mean by that? My reading of that phrase is that he considers you have no rights over YOUR HOME. That your status is closer to guest than partner. I think you need to talk with him about how he sees your relationship. How long have you been together?

Bunbaker · 19/02/2012 14:15

I hate living in chaos and would just get on with it until it is finished. If your partner can't be bothered to do it he has to accept that someone else (you) will.

blonderthanred · 19/02/2012 14:44

We live in my late grandparents' house. Every time we start to change anything/decorate I have an internal meltdown (most recently about an hour ago). I think you need to talk to him sensitively about how the two of you want to make changes, while keeping some memories and echoes of his DM. Do one small job at a time, and finish each one. If it is this that is causing the delay, he won't be able to help his feelings but at the same time he needs to be led gently but firmly forward as much as I do.

FabbyChic · 19/02/2012 15:19

Id do it myself rather than wait for a man. Tell him you are sick of living in it and if he won't do it you will and at least you aren't paying someone to do it.

redexpat · 19/02/2012 15:56

YANBU. My mum waited 10 years for my dad to do it. Then aftr 10 years of nothing happening she paid someone to do it.

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 19/02/2012 16:11

I think i'm just going to get on and do it. MIL is still very much alive and kicking and living in another part of the town with her new husband....

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 19/02/2012 16:13

whereyouleftit i have pointed that out to him many times before, that I feel like i'm a guest here and that it's not my home, he agrees he's being an arse, things move on, then the cycle begins again. We've been together 2 years.

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 19/02/2012 17:07

OP, was it his childhood home ? If she's not dead and it's not his CH then he is simply being a lazy arse.
Give him a date when you will do it yourself and have the row. If the row is a relationship-buster then at least you will be able to live in a clean and nicely decorated home rather than a shitty hovel

Shakirasma · 19/02/2012 17:13

Not your place???

Is he a controlling bully in other areas, or just over the colour of the Walls?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2012 17:21

OP, sorry to be so nosey, I'm trying to get a handle on what might be going on inside his head. Feel free to ignore my questions.

You've been together two years, did you live together before moving into his mother's old house? You have children, so you presumably had your own place before you met him. Did he? And how did it come about that you moved to this particular house? Who is it owned by - his mother, him, both of you, or someone else?

travailtotravel · 19/02/2012 17:26

Feeling your pain, OP, I have this today with DH. We moved in together 5 years ago and to cut a long story short he has NEVER de-cluttered his stuff. I did when I moved in ... so today we are tidying up things that after a few years have just gotten a bit untidy and he is "we're throwing all my stuff away not yours". And the last time we did it, same thing. I am sick of him being such an immature arse about it and told him this time - cue, frostiness. I just went out, I won't sanction petulant childish behaviour any more from him. It's my home as well and its not what whose stuff is whose, its what WE need.

The context before you all think I am being unsympathetic cow - I sold my house to move in with him overseas and then the plan was to move back to "his" house (that he owned on his own before) as it was in a part of the country with his friends, near his work. When I moved out I got rid of everything I knew would not fit and talked to him about how painful this was for me but how it was worth doing etc etc. He just basically carried on where he left off when we moved back - I got a shit job and still have no real friends here - and so it makes me particularly arsey when he complains about needing to clear some old broken things away when he lives the life of riley but thinks he's hard done by!

travailtotravel · 19/02/2012 17:26

sorry to crash with all that (long) post, OP!

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