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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop buying presents for these kids?

24 replies

Shriekable · 19/02/2012 10:27

This is something that has bothered me for a while. Every year I go out of my way to buy birthday and Christmas gifts for family and friends that I think they'll love. I really think about it, I don't just buy anything. And for the most part it is appreciated. However, I never get thanked, or a gift even acknowledged, from DH's nephew (7) and my two goddaughters (12 and 16). I sent out thank you cards for my two DC (1 and 4), my friend, mother of my 2 goddaughters, even had the cheek to text me when she received the card to say it was 'good to know their gifts were appreciated.' Right back at ya! I haven't been thanked for about 10 years. As for DH's nephew - since his brother and his wife divorced 5 years ago, we have never had a thank you - and please don't think I always expect a card; a text, phonecall, facebook message, even a thank you face to face would be great. But it goes unacknowledged. I mentioned it to MIL, and she actually said, completely straight-faced, that her DS 'doesn't have a wife anymore.' As if that explained it, you had to have a wife to thank people for you! On one occasion, at Christmas, nephew opened our gift on Boxing Day about an hour before we saw him at MIL's. When we arrived nothing was said. So I said 'haven't you just opened some more presents?' He said yes. I said 'were they nice?' he just looked at me (he was 5 at the time). MIL laughs, BIL just sits there. I could actually see the present on the floor, when he started playing with it later, I said 'we bought you that' in front of BIL and MIL. Still nothing. My DS2 was 1 last month, got nothing at all from BIL. I don't want to do what my mother has ended up doing - complaining about it and yet still buying gifts for seemingly ungrateful people. DH was supportive about stopping buying for goddaughters, but not so much for his nephew (surprise!) He said why should his nephew lose out just because his brother is ignorant? I told him if he was so concerned then he could go out and get the gifts for him (won't happen). AIBU to stop buying for them? I know the nephew is only young, but BIL has now missed DS2's birthday, and has NEVER given DS1 his present on time - he usually brings something cheap around in a carrier bag a month later. (and I am aware that it's the thought that counts, not the money, but if you saw the stuff he's given DS in the past, it's verging on an insult. Brought him something for his 3rd birthday that was for a 6mths old, and obviously 2nd hand as it was grubby. Think it might have been his son's and he'd found it when he moved house).

OP posts:
NotWell · 19/02/2012 10:31

It's something that is growing more and more common...people have no manners. YABU though to stop buying with no explanation....you should say something.

WrigglyWorm · 19/02/2012 10:34

YABU. I know it's annoying not to be thanked but you don't give gifts expecting thanks - you just give them to be kind and make someone happy. Which I am sure you do as you put so much thought into it.

Sarcalogos · 19/02/2012 10:35

Yabu, but I understand why! Just keep remembering that it it isn't the kids fault. I would limit the money spent though if the child isn't really appreciating the gift. By all means stop buying for the adult in the situation. ( I'm too much of a coward to do that just buy a cheap crap gift instead!)

whirlingbetsy · 19/02/2012 10:37

I think by just stopping buying gifts you're sort of punishing the kids, when it's not really their fault, they're just not being taught manners so the adults are to blame. The word here is 'adult', speak to the grown ups, tell them how you feel and maybe after you've said your piece you'll get a token thank you in the future, which is probably the best you can hope for, and it will mean nothing as you had to ask for it.
I'm on your side here by the way, I get cross when gifts aren't acknowledged by children, I don't know why some parents don't enforce it, I mean, as an adult you'd never dream of not thanking someone for a gift would you?

albertswearingen · 19/02/2012 10:42

I have this problem as well with SIL. It pissed me off so much I now just send money or tokens or something small. That makes me feel ok that I have remembered the children but not annoyed all the time at the expense and time I have spent looking for nice presents when she appears to be so mean and ungrateful - and she has way more money than us.
My MIL sounds the same as yours- she always excuses SIL except, I noted bitterly, when she failed to send thank yous to MIL's friends. Some people have no manners.

babybythesea · 19/02/2012 10:42

I've done the same thing. Have six nieces and nephews overseas and spent several years carefully choosing presents, packing them up and sending them - took a lot of money and time. And never got so much as an email to even let me know they'd arrived (and I do have occasional contact with them/their parents so it wouldn't have been completely unheard of to send a quick message). After several years of me having to ask if things had arrived safely, I stopped bothering. We didn't have the money any more anyway, but if I'd thought they were appreciated I might have made an effort to find some extra cash. As it was, stuff vanished into a void - no idea if they'd got there, no idea if the things were suitable or not or appreciated. So why spend the time or money?

everlong · 19/02/2012 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crystalglasses · 19/02/2012 10:54

OP I understand perfectly where you are coming from. I have spent years carefully choosing presents for my nieces and nephews, and then packing them up and posting them, and never hearing whether or not they even arrived. I then tried sending cash in a card - still silence. Finally I sent cheques, which I know they've received because they've been cashed. However last year I decided to stop sending. My own dc don't receive anything from their uncles and aunts and we rarely get a Christmas card, let alone a present.

Funnily enough I recently had a conversation with a friend's daughter about this and she thought that thanking anyone for a present (by letter or phone)was a really odd idea unless it was opened in front of the present giver and it was something she was never brought up to do.

The only downside to all this is that I really love buying presents - but part of the pleasure for me is to know that the recipient was pleased to receive it. I think I'll start buying presents for myself.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2012 11:01

I think you are all mad, buying presents for people who don't even acknowledge them! I'd give them one chance but if it happened again, they wouldn't get another present.

Shriekable · 19/02/2012 11:02

The ironic thing is that DH's aunt expects a thank you card even when gifts are opened in front of her! I don't buy and 'expect' a thank you, but the fact that these gifts aren't even acknowledged really annoys me. My mother was always shit hot on this subject - every Christmas we would be given notecards as one of our presents, and as soon as we complained we were bored, we had to write our thank yous! BIL had missed DS2 birthday, so my child is 'missing out'. Think maybe I'll give crap like they give my kids! Money is tight at the moment.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 19/02/2012 11:04

yanbu, maybe skip a few. if they mention, explian why

Shriekable · 19/02/2012 11:12

Crystalglasses - I love buying presents too - thinking about what people will love, buying & wrapping it - you're right, let's just buy for ourselves! Grin

OP posts:
FaithHopeAndKevin · 19/02/2012 11:23

I've stopped buying, I scaled down from presents to cash first, and stopped that when DNeice harangued me for not getting her anything (did her parents just pocket the money?). Tis a bit of a relief Smile

Shriekable · 19/02/2012 15:56

Oh wow - have just tackled the subject with MIL and BIL and boy, did I get the message! We have Sunday dinner together once in a while at MILs - she lives v close to us. I tactfully asked why BIL didnt get DC2 a card/gift for birthday. He just shrugged and sort of laughed. MIL said what did I expect as I hadn't thrown a party. ??? I got a bit miffed and reminded THEM (as MIL turned up 9 days after DC2's 1st birthday with his gift, and didn't bother to get him a card) that it's DS1's birthday soon. BIL said it doesn't matter if he gives gift late, as DC1 doesn't 'have a clue what's going on'. DC1 had learning difficulties, I am mad as hell. MIL was obviously embarrassed but I think she was more bothered about the raised voices than what was actually said. BIL seems completely unbothered by these events.

OP posts:
rosie1977 · 19/02/2012 16:18

You could buy presents for less fortunate children (plenty of charities around) and if your godchildren or nephew enquire about why they havent recieved a present you can smuggly tell them a child that was grateful recieved them.

Whenever my DC have recieved a present they phone or send a thank you card which they delightfully make. We put alot of effort into it.
Good manners are free...wish people used them more often.

Shriekable · 19/02/2012 16:54

Whenever we had a little extra money at Christmas, we would buy a gift for Kids Company. Thing were tight this last Chrisad do unfortunately they didn't get a donation. I have a feeling they will be getting much more than usual next year!

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 19/02/2012 17:29

I think it might be punishing the children if you stop buying presents now. I'm sorry but this has been going on for ten years and you've tolerated it for this long maybe if you say something now it might cause a row! It is the adults fault, they're not teaching the children manners as they in this area have none or feel thanking every single person for every single present is too much.

Personally i always send out a thank you note/card for any presents my DS receives too.

If i was you, spend less and say nothing, i cannot see how saying something will be a positive thing if they're so impolite in the first place!

On the other hand it might work!

I guess it depends on how approachable these people are.

Good luck :)

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/02/2012 17:31

Vouchers/book tokens next time - small amount! :)

Robinredboobs · 19/02/2012 17:46

I've sent thoughtful gifts from abroad to relatives that are not even acknowledged. It's very frustrating because I know they have received them - they simply have no manners. If I am not thanked for a gift (a card is lovely but just a verbal thanks is totally fine!) then thse people don't get presents again.
The people saying it has been going on for 10 years so OP must continue are wrong imo! After 10 years they still have no manners - why should she continue to spend her time and money on them? Agreed it is NOT the child's fault but why enforce the parents bad manners further by letting the kids think it is acceptable behaviour not to say thanks?

Shriekable · 19/02/2012 18:53

Thanks for the suggestions - will mull it over before next birthday rolls round! x

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 19/02/2012 20:23

Yanbu at all. I find it rude if I don't receive a thank you note for gifts etc.

skybluepearl · 19/02/2012 20:32

It's very very rude. Can you just get them a small token gift in the future. A bar of cadburys wrapped up or some other sweet treat. Just say you have allocated less into the gift buying budget this year.

skybluepearl · 19/02/2012 20:38

What about doing a charity thing - by a gift for the third world on their behalf. it will say somethign like 'thankyou you have bought a chicken/goat/ten months of schooling for a poor child in india'.

Shelby2010 · 19/02/2012 21:19

Send a card, but only give presents in person, at least that way you'll get some acknowledgement! Suggest to BIL that he gives you the money to buy your DCs presents if he finds it too much hassle..... not ideal but they would get something suitable & you won't feel so resentful, because I doubt he will change.

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