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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop my teen staying at his mates house

13 replies

Rhinosaurus · 19/02/2012 10:12

Ds(15) regularly asks if he can stay over at friends, his friends also stay over here. The main activity seems to be Xbox/movies till about 1am, as far as I can see he mainly enjoys their company more than ours, as of course we are old as the hills, never been teens etc....

However, through my job I have come to find out that one of his mates is on a child protection plan due to dv and alcohol abuse by parents. Also the older sibling went voluntarily into care after the father beat him up. The boy my son is friendly with has also been in trouble with the police for threatening his father with a knife. I have said hello to the parents before when dropping off/picking up and they seem fine at those times.

There are also issues of neglect with reports of the house being in a very poor state. The house from the outside looks no different from any of the otheres in the road.

I have now said to my ds that I don't want him staying there, of course as he has stayed before he keeps asking why, and saying its not fair, he is allowed to stay at other friends, he should be able to do what he wants etc usual teen stuff.

Oh to return to the days of primary school age where you knew the friends parents and actually went inside their house when picking up. I have asked my son several what I hope are bland seeming questions re the home of his friends and he just says parents are nice, the house is 'okay' etc.

Obviously I can't tell my son the real reason why I do not want him staying there, I also do not want to be unfair to his friend, sho sounds like he has an appalling time at home. I have tried saying why doesn't the friend stay here, but my son wants to stay over there as a lot of other friends live nearby.

Has anyone any ideas how I can explain my seemingly irrational decision (to my ds) to suddenly start disallowing him to stay here? And short of stopping him going out altogether, how can I stop him going there at other times?

OP posts:

LilacWaltz · 19/02/2012 10:15

What are you afraid will happen?

squeakytoy · 19/02/2012 10:15

I dont think at 15 there is very much you can do.. you cant keep him indoors at all times, and you cant stop him from going round there full stop as you say.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 19/02/2012 10:16

No helpful suggestions but I wouldn't allow my kids to stay in a home with a hx of dv and alcohol. When he is old enough to legally choose for himself fine, until then you do the best you can to protect him from it.

Selks · 19/02/2012 10:18

You're right to stop him from staying. I was in a similar position with my daughter once. I said to her she couldn't stay over (the friend was v welcome at ours) and told her that I couldn't say why but that although I couldnt share why I had a sound reason to make my decision and that she should believe that. She wasn't happy but went with what I said.

SkivingAgain · 19/02/2012 10:18

Rhino that is a tricky one, I've a son the same age. I've not been faced with the same dilemma, but perhaps the friend feels safer if he has friends over as it may moderate the parents behaviour (we are always a bit more civilised than usual if we have visitors).

It may be that your son knows more than you think, even teenage boys confide in their friends.

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 19/02/2012 10:21

I do not want him in a house overnight with a violent alcoholic father and a chain smoking mother who drinks 2 litres of wine a day. Anything could happen. What if something kicks off while my son is sleeping there? What if there is a house fire and the parents are too pissed to get the kids out? What if the dad has a go at my son? What if the dad drives them somewhere pissed up? What if my son witnesses dv?

Now that I know this information I think it would be neglectful as a parent to let my ds sleep there, although as squeaky says I cannot stop him going there altogether.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 19/02/2012 10:24

I should add we live in quite a rural area, with a poor bus service, and I have nothing against my son going to/having friends over as I grew up in a similar area and know it can get boring when you're a teen.

OP posts:

BBisBBack · 19/02/2012 10:30

You are right. I had a friend in a similar situation however my mum didn't know, and to be fair neither did I, her home always seemed abit cluttered etc but always seemed happy. One night i stayed there as i did several times a month ( her family was large and it was a more the merrier type house) and saw a side of her mum i couldn't of even imagined. She ended up stabbing her partner in the side. I was bloody terrified, and my mum was beside herself. The friend was almost used to it... Suffice to say i was never allowed to her house again.

nowittynamehere · 19/02/2012 10:35

I feel sorry for his friend as i suppose you do .does the friend seem ok when he is at yours ? does your son say anything when he has stayed at the friends house ? mayne he only lets them stay when things are quiet and dads not around , I dont blame you for not wanting to stay there but if nothing has happened when he has been there then its not going to suddenly get worse now you know , I think you are within your rights to say he isnt allowed to stay there , Lie and say you have heard that his mum likes a drink , you dont have to say anything else ,

whirlingbetsy · 19/02/2012 10:43

Try and encourage the boy to stay at yours more often, get to know him, and open up a dialogue with the parents? If he stays at yours it gives you an excuse to call them just to say something like 'Just letting you know your lad is here and safe and here's my number blah blah blah'. I think it's your best option.

Original poster

Rhinosaurus · 19/02/2012 11:13

The friend seems to be a really nice boy, well mannered and cheerful. My son doesn't say much about the house although he did say mates mum sits in the kitchen drinking wine while dad sits in the living room. His mate seems to be allowed to stay up till whenever they want judging from posts on fb at all hours parents probably too pissed to care my son also seems to like it that his friend can more or less do what he wants - cook a pizza anytime, have loads of friends in, go in Xbox all night, watch back to back movie trilogies all night etc.

I expect my son likes it there due to the apparent lack of boundaries, what teen wouldn't?

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 19/02/2012 11:28

Well can't you offer that as an explanation? That you have thought about it and you are not happy for hm to stay somewhere with so few boundaries? That his friends parents have chosen this way to parent but it is not how you do it and you feel it is not good for him so is friend is welcome to stay in your house but not the other way around.
TBH even without the dv and alcohol I wouldn't be too happy with my (fictional) teenagers staying somewhere they were allowed do anything they wanted.

flibbertywidget · 19/02/2012 11:31

I wouldn't be happy either Rhino. and wouldn't let him go. I understand that sometimes people are more well behaved when guests are around. but consumption of alcohol can cause more problems. Sounds like a sorry atmosphere.

When I was in junior school, I had a friend whose father sexually abused her from a young age, she didn't realise that it was not normal, until he tried it on with her friend on a sleepover - the girls were 9 & 10.

I agree this is a horror story, but your son can become independent without being put at risk.

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