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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DS to smell of smoke?

55 replies

scrivette · 18/02/2012 20:28

DH has just stomped downstairs annoyed as I don't want him to put the baby to bed as he smells of smoke.

When he holds DS for a long time the smell transfers onto him and I dont want him smoky all night!

He smokes outside so doesn't think that his clothes smell.

OP posts:

Clownsarescary · 18/02/2012 21:32

Grrr I meant to say OP's dh should be sensitive to her concerns.

Nagoo · 18/02/2012 21:35

YANBU.

I really don't think that your DH is exposing your child to any great risk, but it's just icky.

I just don't like smoking, and hate hate hate it near children. So YANBU, but not from a justifiable position IMO

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 21:36

On the basis, as MNers will always tell us, that both parents have an equal right to a say over their child, the DH is being perfectly reasonable. He may not be convinced of the alleged, possible health risks any more than Squeaky or I are but in case they're accurate he's handed over to his DW, who does concern herself about someone who's been smoking handling their baby, whilst he puts his feet up out the way and has a beer.

Very wise man.

maddening · 18/02/2012 21:44

but labocca you don't know for a fact either

op yanbu

SecretMinceRinser · 18/02/2012 21:44

Very few things are proven beyond doubt. There is enough evidence that it is advised that you wash and change clothes and avoid holding babies for an hour after smoking.
I would expect anyone who smoked to show some willing on this. It wouldn't have hurt for the dh in the op to change top, wash his hands and not smoke directly before taking the child to bed.
Nearly every picture of me with my dad when I was little is me sitting on his knee inches away from his cigarette. I don't have any health problems as a result - no-one has said every single child exposed to smoke will - just that there is an increased risk.
I would love to see the research showing perfume to be just as dangerous! I don't remember getting a leaflet on the dangers of perfume from my midwife!

bessie26 · 18/02/2012 21:45

YANBU, but as others have said, when you smoke, you don't realise how much you smell (when I gave up I had to go round apologising to all my friends for being so stinky for all those years - they were amazed I didn't realise!)

When DD1 was in SCBU they told us to not let anyone hold her if they had smoked in the last 45mins.

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 21:47

So what do you want SecretMinceRinser? He'd already smoked the cigarette by the time this arose, presumably totally unaware that there would subsequently be a hue and cry about him putting his son to bed. Do you want the DH to argue with the OP and insist that he handles the baby with his smoky clothes on, even if he removes the top layer, and hold the baby less than however many minutes the latest judgement deems is acceptable from when he had his last cigarette? The poor guy can't win!

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 21:49

I pressed send too soon. Sorry.
Maybe the guy should have told his wife that the DS is his too and she can get lost, he'll put his son to bed as and how he sees fit.

SecretMinceRinser · 18/02/2012 21:51

God there are some defensive smokers on here! And out comes the traffic fumes argument. You do know that the baby in the op will be exposed to traffic fumes as well as her fathers smoke? There are some risks you can't do anything about and there are some risks you can. If someone can't be bothered to wash/change their clothes when there is evidence that not doing so could be harmful to their child then that is just laziness in the extreme imo.

HavePatience · 18/02/2012 21:52

Yes, traffic fumes are far more dangerous. I agree to that. However, that is a bit beyond our control in many circumstances. It is quite easy to change clothes or hold on 30 more minutes for the next cigarette.

HavePatience · 18/02/2012 21:53

X post

maddening · 18/02/2012 21:53

are you the dh Graham- seems to have hit a nerve!

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 21:54

I think you'll find that this poster, far from being a "defensive smoker", is a realist who doesn't buy all the hysteria and huge great list of "must and mustn't do's" but who gets on with life without being ruled by remote and unproven theories and possibilities.

SecretMinceRinser · 18/02/2012 21:54

He can win. He can let his wife put the child to bed without getting in a huff that she hasn't allowed him to expose their child to his smoke.
I'm sure he was aware that his child would be going to bed in the near future as well so he could have waited for a cigarette until they were safely tucked up then smoked his head of all night if he wanted to take them.
I used to smoke myself - I have no problem with smokers - I do have a problem with people who think it is their right to inflict it on others though.

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 21:56

No, I'm a DA, maddening, a devil's advocate. (who genuinely doesn't take a lot of notice of "what ifs" and unproven theories).

Are you maddening, maddening?

SecretMinceRinser · 18/02/2012 21:56

Well there is enough evidence that in the booklet I received from the midwife the dangers of smoke on clothing/hands were mentioned and it was advised people change/wash before holding a baby. There was no mention of perfume.

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 21:57

I guess he's not in a huff now, SecretMR. He's sitting with his feet up enjoying a beer.

maddening · 18/02/2012 21:58

no I'm tired

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 21:59

Tell me about it, maddening! I think I might put my feet up and find a beer.

mamij · 18/02/2012 22:00

YADefibitelyNBU! Don't listen to the negatives! You don't want his scent to transfer onto your DS and have him inhale the toxins all night long!

I was at a friends over the new year and she was holding my 8 week old DD2. Her partner had just come on from having a smoke outside. He immediately reached out to take her. I could smell the cigarette smoke on him despite not sitting next to him. I could believe he was holding DD2 so close - I'm pretty sure he didn't wash his hands either! I had to nudge DH to tell him to change her nappy just to get DD2 away!

OTheHugeManatee · 19/02/2012 07:08

The health thing is a total red herring. The evidence is tenuous at best. But YANBU not to want the baby to pong. Why not just say that?

It's unlikely that your baby finds the smoke smell unpleasant, unless s/he screams every time your DH is nearby and has recently smoked. It's you that doesn't like it. The truth is that this is about you not wanting your DH to smoke and using the baby as a proxy for saying this, and your DH has probably got annoyed about your disingenuousness more than anything else.

SecretMinceRinser · 19/02/2012 16:28

If there is really that little evidence why is the nhs wasting money on leaflets warning mums to be of the dangers of smoke on people/clothing?
Ideally parents should be making an effort to give up altogether imo to minimise the second hand smoke their kids come into contact with and set a decent example but if the man won't do this then the very least he can do is minimise his childs exposure to his smoke.
I get that he has a right to smoke and cause his own health whatever damage he likes but what about his childs right not to have second hand smoke breathed and transferred all over his pyjamas?
It sounds very much like he comes under the category of smoker who feels he's being picked on when people point out that people who don't smoke don't necessarily want other peoples smoke inflicted on them. To use an MN cliche the word entitled springs to mind.
Seriously if someone can't be arsed to wash and wait 5 minutes til their child is in bed to have another cigarette they have very skewed priorities.
I wonder what he would have to say if someone forced him to come into contact with dangerous chemicals against his will? He probably wouldn't be too pleased or think they had the right to do that. And the fact there wasn't cast iron proof the chemicals were harmful probably wouldn't make much difference to his view.

FabbyChic · 19/02/2012 16:33

Im sorry to say that 20 odd years ago I used to carry my kids under my arm whilst having a fag hanging out of my mouth until 3 weeks ago I smoked 25/30 a day, whilst pregnant and whilst feeding my kids and whilst caring for them.

Neither of them are dead, neither of them have asthma and neither have any breathing problems.

Sometimes you can go ott. Must say though that I can smell smoke now more than I could before. Having recently snogged a smoker as a non smoker however I couldn't taste it or smell it on his clothes. It only lingers just after a fag.

JasperJohns · 19/02/2012 16:37

YANBU - babies should not smell of fags.

Smokers stink, but many of them don't realise.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 16:43

YANBU not allowing him to put your baby to bed.

Has he even considered giving up?

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