to cut ties with STBXSIL?

[whirlingbetsy]

My dc are very close to their auntie (my stbxsil). She adores them and the feelings are mutual. However, recently my brother and her have had a very acrimonious split, a third party was involved and it has transpired that she has been involved with this other guy for a few months. I am heartbroken for my brother, who is a lovely man, but I am being torn as he has said (possibly in his angry state) that he would appreciate our support in cutting ties with her. Has anyone else experienced this situation? This has been a bolt out of the blue for all of us and part of me feels very selfish for feeling sad for my kids that they may lose their (only) auntie. So, AIBU to keep some form of relationship with her for the dc's sake or should I respect my brother's wishes? Really stressing over this. I should point out, I've taken a 'none of my business' approach to the personal side of the issue, I don't get involved in other people's marriages, and although I am angry at my brother's wife, I am trying to look at the bigger picture. Any advice?

Give him some time. This is raw. Hopefully he will get to a point when he can see that what has happened is between him and her and the children shouldn't lose someone they love and who loves them. But it will be so painful for him to see them maintaining a close relationship with someone who's hurt him so badly and it may take a very long time to get over that.

I don't know what to advise. He is going to see any relationship with the children as a betrayel of him. But should the children lose an auntie they love?

Perhaps a break from contact rather than cutting ties forever? She should understand this is difficult, surely?

yy, I have already cancelled plans my SIL had for the kids this Sunday and told her we should let the dust settle before we make any more plans. She accepts this, as she should. Ugh, why are break ups so difficult?

Hmm, I can see your DBro's point of view to be honest. Plus, in all honesty, is this woman really going to maintain ties with your DC in the long term? Surely she will move on?

You're in an unenviable position though and will be hard to explain to your DC.

Keep out of it. Support your brother. Do as he asks. The SIL was only family because of her relationship with DB. My SIL is in touch with DH's ex behind his back (well he did find out, confront her, and she was truthful). It's very hurtful. Your kids will manage without her.

yes bonzo I imagine it is very hurtful . I would not dream of doing anything behind DBro's back, I am just so very confused.

I had a similar situation when my dsis split up from her partner. He was mine and my other sister's dh best friend, and my dsis insisted we cut ties with him. When we did, but our dh's did not, she hated this, and wouldn't accept that we could not control our husband's social lives, so she cut contact with us because her exP was still visiting our house. She will talk to us if she sees us in the street, and we see her when we visit her kids for their birthdays, but otherwise no contact. We see her exP about once a fortnight, and he brings dneice with him which is the only time we see her.

I suppose what I'm saying is that seeing you ex sil could cost you your relationship with your brother. In my case, I don't regret loosing contact with my sis as she is an alcoholic (major factor in the split) and her behaviour is manipulative and controlling, and ex bill is lovely. But you brother sounds nice, and as if his anger is justified, so at very least I wouldn't see you sil for a while, and if you do get back in touch be honest with your brother. If he finds you have been seeing sil and not telling him it will be worse.

It is horrible and hard when this happens, but time is a great healer and my sis and her ex go to their grandaughter's birthdays together and are civil, it has only taken four years!

What would you do if it was the other way around?

What do you mean bobyan? If it had been my brother who had broke up the relationship?

I would cut ties. Your kids might ask about her every now again but just say that she is very busy and they will soon move on and forget her. Your (and your children's) relationship with your brother is more important.

Hmm, sadly I think you are right featurewall. Luckily there are no cousins involved. My mum rather heartlessly said, 'he'll meet someone new and your dc will have a new auntie'. I think she misses the point .

You are in a similar position to me except my stbxsil is a nasty slutty cowbag who I hated anyway so when she fucked up gt caught out I was over the moon to ditch her out of my life

I had already told DH before the shit hit the fan that BIL could be godfather but I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than have her accosiated with my child or potentially be given any responsibility.

Luckily the potential problem was removed before baby arrived

Think I would cut ties anyway to support BIL even if she was ok... Just to let the dust settle

Oh Kayano I wish I could bring myself to hate her and deep down maybe I should but aside from the cheating (yes, I know it is a really awful thing to do) she has been an exemplary SIL and auntie. This is why I am struggling. I am disappointed in her, don't get me wrong. I just don't want the whole sorry state of affairs affecting to lives of the kids. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BEHAVE?

Fwiw, dh's ex tried to stay friends with his sister, she used her to pump for info about us ( I wasnt involved in the split, I came after ) and it has pretty much destroyed their relationship.

We dont even go over on her birthday or christmas etc or see the sisters kids either.

Hmm, it's looking like I should cut ties isn't it? Thanks for the info, needed to gain some perspective.

I would just say it straight to her, you are really upset to have to do it because you really like her and kids will really miss her but you have to be loyal to your brother who would feel extremely hurt if you remained friends. She sounds like she will understand.

Is there any chance they will get back together? I ask, because if they do, and you have cut her off, she will remember it in years to come. I think you need to tread very carefully here.

You read all the time on here about how, when you get married, your partner's family become yours and if you embrace that pov, it's very hard to cut someone off, who you have genuinely grown to love and taken as part of your family.

I think I would talk to her and be really honest about what your brother has asked and that you don't feel comfortable about it, and say that when things are calmer, you hope to see her.

He is your brother and he has been wronged, but you don't want to get too much in the middle of it all, in case they reconcile later. If not, then realistically both will form other relationships and if your sil stays with the man she cheated with, it's never going to be possible to maintain a relationship with her and not really upset your brother.

Good luck - it's a horrible position to be in.

If your kids have a really close relationship with her then I don't think it's fair for them to be stopped from seeing her, why should they lose out?

My parents had a bad break up but my cousins on my dads side are still closer to my mum then my dad.

Put yourself in your brother's shoes and ask yourself what you would expect from him in that situation. It's not about your children and their loss of an auntie, it's about your relationship with your brother, I'd say that's much more important.